Quick Update

Dotty 2.0 went in this past Tuesday for a quick 'look see' at her ovaries. All looks pretty good, but she's got some stuff still resolving on one of her ovaries, likely from her recent cycle. She's going back in tomorrow to see if it's resolving and if so, stims start on Friday after a lining check for me...

Ya know, I'm really really really calm right now about all of this. For some reason, after my big freak out a few weeks back about the length of time I'm going to be in a 'holding pattern' on estrogen and lupron, I've just let it all go...

I don't know if it's because work is just so insanely busy right now and I literally have no time to focus on this? Or if it's because I'm just learning how to let things go?

Regardless, it feels good today to not be anxious about the timing of all of this and about what the answer tomorrow will be.... I've found my Zen :-)

(Remind me of this when we finally get to the 2ww, k?)

Donation Update

Just a quick update and a HUGE thank you to those of you out there in bloggy world that have donated to the fund raising we are doing for my friend who had some extra long and big bumps in the journey to her child.  Here's a link to their story.

We have raised over $500!!! I can't believe it!

It's been so fun to coordinate this and see all the money come it. It so warms my heart. I just want to gush all over and cry at how nice people have been. So from the depths of my heart, thank you so much.

I will take the donation button down in a few days, so this is your last chance to donate if you would like to.

Oh, and their story ends on a fantastic note. I got a text from my friend mid-last week... The judge signed their final adoption papers, and termination of parental rights (birth parental rights). Their baby boy, who has been living with my friends for all 10 weeks of his life, is officially theirs...  A happy ending.

We are going to give them the $$ via mail (in a safe and secure way, of course) and hope that it can help put a dent in those extra legal bills.

Again, thank you ALI community, from the very bottom of my heart. It's a beautiful thing you have done :-)

Dotty 2.0

Tidy and I went to our RE yesterday afternoon to look at donor profiles and we found a bigger and better (ovarian reserve, speaking) version of Dotty. We signed the intent papers and officially have been matched with our new donor. Yet another new beginning in this long journey to our child.

Henceforth, she will be called Dotty 2.0.

We are so very lucky that the timing worked out with her. She's one of our clinic's "rock star" donors. She's young, has a child of her own, has done a few cycles and has always had frozen embryos as well as some pregnancy outcomes in the intended parent.

Now I know this doesn't necessarily mean that we will have the same results, but we have a much more "proven" and vetted donor this time.

She's not as 'familiar' looking as I felt when I saw Dotty (the original donor) for the first time, but I think right now, we are willing to take someone who has a bit less of a physical resemblance for quick availability and "rock star" status.

I must say that this process hasn't been easy, emotionally. I really am excited to move forward with her, but as I suspected, going back to look at these profiles made me feel a sense of longing for my own genetics. It re-opened that wound. Dotty 2.0 doesn't have the exact features I was looking for, but she's cute, as much as you can tell from a less than one year old picture. I think I just have a lot of fear that if we get pregnant, I will react negatively to the look of our baby that comes out of me 9 months later. I'm honestly terrified that she or he will look a certain way that I don't find attractive in my child... Is that crazy? I'm sure that sounds awfully superficial. And I'm somewhat embarrassed to write it. But it's a real fear that I felt when I started this process and I feel now. I wonder if this is a true fear of people in my situation? I don't know. Is this nuts?

It doesn't seem to bother Tidy at all. He's very excited about this donor based on her stats. He's so ready for this to work and for this to be over with, and oh my gosh, so.  am.  I! But...

...fears surface and I wonder.

We will find out this coming Tuesday how soon we can cycle with her. She could start her meds as early as this coming Thursday. Our bump in the road could equate to only about a 2 week delay.

Dumping Dotty

I got the phone call from my RE's office while I was in the middle of a meeting yesterday at work, and while I didn't get any details (ya me! I didn't ask for any either... can you believe it? I let go of some of the control!!!) ... they recommended that we cancel her cycle.

So, with that, we are dumping our donor.

Sorry Dotty, it's not you.... it's your ovaries. They aren't kicking it the way we need them to. This just isn't working out...

Ya know what, though? I'm actually ok emotionally and very glad this was a clear decision, per the doctor's recommendation. I am kind of sad to lose her, but... not really. I thought I was more attached to her than I am, but I'm not. I guess I was really just attached to the idea of her rockin' ovaries. But now that I know they aren't optimal and there are other women out there with way better ovaries... I want THOSE ovaries instead!

There is some sadness resurfacing because I now have to go back into the clinic and choose a donor...again... and I know that process brings up feelings of loss of my own genetics. I'm already feeling a bit sad once again that I don't get to pass on my own genetics... my hair, my legs, my height, my eye color, my quirks, my face shape...

With Dotty, I was feeling like I wanted so badly to make an emotional connection with my donor, at some strange anonymous level that we were allowed to. But really right now, what I want are just some healthy eggs. I'm not buying a relationship here, I'm just buying some genetic material that may or may not be close to my own. In the end, my child will be their own unique individual, no matter where their genetic material comes from. And I will love him/her/them as fully as I would love any child because they are an individual, they are themselves, not because they did or did not come from an egg that I grew in my own body.

So, while this break up was done via a third party (ie, my clinic), I do hope that Dotty doesn't feel too badly about herself. I'm sure it's a disappointment from her point of view that her body didn't do something that it was supposed to do, and she doesn't get that nice healthy sum of money after the retrieval...

There's VERY small suspicious part of my mind that wonders if maybe she got cold feet and just didn't take the meds... (yes, I know, that's a bit crazy to think.. but... ya never know, right?)

In any event, these are things I will never know, so the only option I have is to keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other, marching, every so diligently, towards our baby...

Things I am Grateful For

I must admit that yesterday's news was pretty deflating. I can't say I was super puffed up with hope, but it just seems that there's always something that happens in my cycles that I don't expect. I'm sure many of you feel that way. Potentially, yet another delay.

So, instead of telling you about how I skipped golf after work, came home and wallowed on the couch for a few hours before peeling myself up... I will tell you about some things I am grateful for today that helped me re-focus and hopefully get me over this bump in the road.

1. Watching Pog get her "cone of shame" off her head and do a happy dance. She's had this thing on for about a week after we had a few cysts removed from her eyelid.
2. The Wailin Jennys, one of my favorite chicky-folky bands. The perfect song for day is called "Begin" (see below). It's a song about letting go, a lesson we could all use, right?
3. My good friends, especially those who know how this feels and really truly understand. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all of your support and comments yesterday. They mean the WORLD to me.
4. Being called a Warrior by a few of my friends. We are all warriors... fertility warriors. And to battle we go, each and every day, until we have won, with our baby in arms. It makes me think of that awesome Pat Benatar song... I'll have to post that one another time.
5. Cooking a yummy meal of zucchini risotto. It turned out so well! (Thanks KV, for making this for me last weekend. I had to try my hand at it. I think I like the shallots better than onions)
6. A big hug from Tidy.
7. Getting some good feedback from my boss at work today.

Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy this beautiful song (I should listen to my own advice)

Really? When Does the Bad News Stop?

A quick update while I gather my thoughts and figure out how to go into my next meeting at work without bawling my eyes out.

My RE called to give me the update from Dotty's 1st monitoring appointment this morning and when SHE calls, as opposed to the nurse, that's not good.

Dotty's ovaries aren't responding to the meds...

FUCK.

We're going to give her three more days on the meds to see if her ovaries decide to wake up, but we may be faced with scrapping her and starting over with a new donor.

I'm  so so so so so sick of bad news.

It's ICLW time again!

(This is somewhat of a re-post of July's ICLW welcome that hardly anyone read because I goofed when I signed up for it, so forgive me if it might sound a bit familiar)

It's been a few months since I've participated in ICLW and I must admit, the last few months when I didn't participate, I felt a bit lonely in blog world! So I'm excited to be back and hopefully gain some new readership. And I did try to participate in it LAST month, but I made a mistake and put a link to my  OLD blog, so new readers couldn't find me. Silly me.

For those of you who are newer to the infertility blogging world, a bit of info on what ICLW is can be found here.

This is an exciting time for Tidy and I. We are right in the midst of our first DE IVF cycle. Dotty (the nick-name we have given to our anonymous egg donor, which stands for Donor for Tippy and Tidy) started her stims this past Friday. This is a whole new world for us. One that we are both scared and hopeful for. If any of you have happened along my blog specifically because of donor eggs, welcome! I hope to shed some light on this process and share my journey along this new and hopefully short path.
For those of you who have been with me for a while, I do cherish your readership and your comments. They mean so much to me!

So, without further ado, here's a quick get to know me from the fertility point of view if you are new here:

1. Tidy and I have been ttc for 4.5 years next month (that amounts to over 50 attempts to have a baby)
2. We've had all the testing there is to test: HSG, SHG, every hormone under the sun, Laparoscopy, Immune panels, blood clotting panels.. you name it, we've done it. I promise!
3. We've done 5 IUIs, 4 IVFs (4 Fresh transfers, 2 Frozen), TONS of herbs, acupuncture, diet changes (gluten free, vegan-ish, organic), yoga, guided meditation..
4. Of the above treatments, we've had only 2 confirmed chemical pregnancies.
5. We STILL really don't know if anything is technically wrong.

We needed some new hope, so we decided to buy a 26 yr old woman's eggs in order of having a much higher chance at a pregnancy. Yes, that is a fairly blunt way to describe our next steps, but in essence, that's what we are doing... And for the first time in my life, I have now become protective of some other woman's ovaries. It's a very strange feeling.

So please join me, Tidy and our anonymous donor, Dotty, and follow along as we venture into this new world of DE IVF.

Thanks for your comments in advance.

Anger is from Unfairness... duh!

You would think by the title of this blog that I would be talking about the unfairness of infertility.

But I'm not.

First, a cycle update before my story: Dotty had her baseline yesterday and all went well. She is starting her meds today. I should get an update on Monday after her first ultrasound. Fingers, toes and eyes are crossed that we get a few good embryos out of this deal... well, that and a baby too :-)

Ok, back to the story... I learned a lot yesterday from my therapist. A lot about unfairness and anger. And while it now all seems very obvious, I feel like I understand some of the anger that I carry around inside a whole lot better.

I get angry, like screaming angry, at my sister and at my husband, but mostly in my dreams (sometimes in person... but I try not to). I'm usually angry at them for doing something that I think is unfair, or not the way I think it should go. I don't WANT to be an angry person. And mostly in real life, I don't think I am. But I definitely have some deep seeded anger down inside there.

I talked with my therapist yesterday about these dreams and the anger that I carry around. She said that anger is from a perceived feeling of unfairness, injustice. And it's ok to feel things are unfair and react, but the reaction should be on par with the stimulus. So it's ok to give a little eye roll at something small, say like when someone cuts in front of you in line, but it's not ok to feel intense tightness in your chest. That tightness though, really isn't about the line cutter, say, but about some deeper feelings of injustice/unfairness in your life that you haven't resolved.

We then talked a bit about my mom's disease (bipolar), and about how old I was when she was first hospitalised. I was only 12, I think. 12 years old... and at that point, I took on the house maker role in some ways. I did laundry, and cleaned the kitchen, and organized things, I packed lunches. It was a lot for a 12 year old to deal with but I think, if memory serves me right, that it kind of felt good. It felt good because things were quite chaotic in our house hold when mom was at her sickest, and when she was gone, there was sadness, but there was also peace. And I liked that peace.

It's funny though. As I look back on that time in my life, I see it now as a 36 year old, not as a 12 year old. And I have no friggin clue what and how a 12 year old thinks and how having to step into that role and be an adult for a while, at age 12, affected me.

Hmmm.... I wonder if I feel like that was UNFAIR!?!?!? Unfair that I had to worry about those things and didn't have a care free 12 -20 year old existence? Unfair that my mom and I didn't have the relationship that I probably craved. Unfair that my sisters were younger and maybe didn't seem affected by it as I did at the time. (Clearly, each of us has our own memory of our childhoods, which might not always match... but that's ok. There is no right memory, ya know? They are individually ours)

And so maybe, when I get angry at things in my dreams and sometimes in my life, and I feel that tightness in my chest and desire to correct the wrongness, it's not really about that perceived unfairness at that time, but it's actually about this unfairness I haven't dealt with from so long ago.

Hmmmm... It all seems so obvious to me..... now! I think I'm really going to like going to my therapist. Next question for her is... why my sister and my dear Tidy? Why are they the objects of my anger in my dreams?

I think therapy is going to agree with me :-)

Dear Dotty,

First off, I want to give a HUGE thanks to everyone who is donating so far to the adoption fund we are gathering for one of our friends. You can read about her story here and donate at the link on the top right button that says "donate". So far, we've raised over $300. I'm so amazed at the help people are willing to give. It warms my heart. It feels amazing to collect money for someone and they don't even know it yet! I can't wait to give her this gift. We will keep the fund open for donations through the next week or so...Thank you all SOO very much.

Secondly, I went into the RE yesterday morning to check my lining after 2 weeks of estrogen. All looks good on the "cushy embryo landing pad" front.  Triple striped and 9mm... couldn't ask for much more. Now, we just have to hope and pray that it stays the course over the next 2 weeks AND that Dotty, my sweet nick name for my donor, gets to start her stims on Thursday. She goes in for her baseline then... Please keep your fingers crossed.

Finally, I wanted to share the letter I wrote to my donor with you. I sent it to our coordinator yesterday and asked that she would send it on to Dotty. I've been trying to find a way to tell her, in a nice way, that I really hope she understands what this means to me and knows that her efforts are appreciated. There's a small part of me...well, screw that...rather large part of me, that is having a hard time with letting go of the control aspect of this. I have NO control over her. I have NO control over the time she does her shots. I have NO control over what she puts into her body. I have NO control over how much attention she gives to this in her life... And  more than likely, everything will go just fine. But I'm so worried that she's going to trigger too early or to late, or she's going to mess up the dosages and not get a lot of eggs... blah blah blah...  My mind NEEDS to stop this madness.

So I thought this letter would be a good way of getting it out of my head, and in a very nice and sweet way, express to her how very much this means to me. Because it really really means a lot.... a huge lot.


But then I decided not to share it with you because I got worried that somehow she would be able to find it online and realize that I'm the intended mother... (yes, I'm kind of paranoid right now)... and so decided to take it down from here.

Anyways, it felt good to share my thoughts with her and hopefully she will take my letter in a positive way.

Help for a Friend and Fellow Infertile

I'm writing this to all of you because you understand what it is like to struggle to have your family.

One of my friends decided a while ago, after trying naturally for a few years and not wanting to go down the hormone laden IUI/IVF path, to turn to domestic infant adoption. She's not in the blogosphere, but she's a person I've know for 7 years or so now. She and he husband spent a few years trying naturally and then had a lapaorscopy and discovered endometriosis. Over the course of the last 4 years, as they still tried naturally I'm sure, they were paired with 3 different birth families and had almost had a baby, but each time, at the very last minute, either something was a deal breaker or the birth mom decided to parent...

Fast forward to earlier this year, they were finally matched with a teenager who was pregnant, their "Juno" as they lovingly joke. Everything felt great. After attending ultrasounds and doctor's appointments with the birth mom, about 9 weeks ago, my friend and her husband attended the birth of their baby and 2 days later were able to take their new son home with them! THRILL!!!

But in our state, there is a 30 day waiting period before the termination of parental rights occurs. And the day before their court date a few weeks ago, the court appointed guardian of the baby ordered a paternity test (not quite sure why, but it's a small town and maybe he knew something?). To make a long story short, the original birth father, was not the birth father after all... And now another, new potential birth father has entered the picture. Because of this, they need to establish paternity and go through more legal issues and hope and pray that this new potential birth father will consent to the adoption, since now, he technically could decide to parent if he wants to.  They are hopeful he will consent, but the legal fees are adding up and they of course are worried sick that something will prevent them from being the adoptive parents to this beautiful little boy who has lived in their house as their son for the last 9 weeks.

So... a few of my friends and I decided we'd get together and try to raise a little money to donate to their legal costs. We feel like our hands are tied and want so baldy to do something to help them... and this is what we came up with.

I know you don't know them at all, and most of you barely know me, let alone who I am "IRL", but I wanted to share her story with a community of women who can understand the desire of a friend to want to do something.

If you have any $$ to spare and would like to donate to the cause, it would be greatly appreciated. I figured, even if all of my 50+ followers (and I'm assuming there's at least a few more out there) would donate $10, we could make a little dent. With our friends here IRL, we've already raised about $300.

You can donate any amount you have to offer at this link RIGHT HERE or at the button on the top right of my blog. I will keep a button up on the side of my blog while it is open. We will be collecting donations for the next few weeks and plan to give it to our friends, hopefully in celebration of their finalized adoption soon thereafter. I'll follow up in a few weeks to let you know how much we have raised.

I know we are all busy saving money for our own baby struggles or parenting thereafter, but a little could really go a long way. Please email me at asfastasmybabycan@gmail.com  if you have any questions, I'd be happy to share more with you. Thanks so much for your consideration!

Setbacks in A.R.T Acceptance

Have you heard of the "Baby Selling Ring" Bust in the news? 

Some people will do anything for money or power or fame... or maybe they are simply deranged.

Seriously, how does one decide to impregnate foreign women of unborn babies to sell to desperate women/couples who so desperately want to have a child.

This is why Assisted Reproductive Technologies (A.R.T) get a bad rap. These are the stories in the media that taint people's image of the methods that we and 1 in 7 couples use/will use to fulfill their need to have a family (And yes, I would argue this is a need... Some might see it as a want, but I don't think that other mammals really have true wants and they procreate... )

Seriously, how greedy or power hungry or insane does one have to be to come up with this scheme.

Was there some warped thought in these women's minds that they were doing something good to help other women in need? Or was this really just simple greed. It's fucked up, is what it is... Appalling. And it truly hurts our cause. All of the women out there who need to use third party reproduction (donor gametes, gestational surrogacy, embryo adoption...) to have a child have to already carry the burden of the journey they've taken to get to their families and thanks to stories like this and cases like "Octomom" and "John and Kate plus 8", we also have to defend our choices as SANE and educate the rest of the world to gain some acceptance.

Theresa Erickson, Carla Chambers, and Hilary Neiman, you have set us back... and all I can say is shame on you. Shame on you.

Hold onto my Hope?

I'm struggling right now to see the proverbial forest through the trees.

I'm so used to things going wrong, at every turn, with this baby quest, that I truly can't envision this cycle working out for us. I observe my mind being very numb and distant towards the rest of the world's pregnancies. Last night, Tidy and I went to a baseball game where I saw saw numerous women with big beautiful bellies, and I just look at them, blankly, with no emotion. I feel like that thing they are doing, that growing a life in that bulbous shape on their stomach, is so foreign to whatever I expect to experience in my life. I don't see it as an attainable goal anymore. I used to look at them with awe and hope that someday I could be there, but honestly, I'm not sure I can envision it.

I guess at some deep level I do have hope because if I didn't have any, I'm assuming (and really hoping) that I wouldn't pay this much money for something that I felt was hopeless.

But I just can't seem to see any further than the next appointment right now. And with each looming appointment for me or Dotty, I'm afraid the news that I get will be bad.

I'm also scared that my bad attitude is going to make this cycle fail if we are lucky enough to get to a transfer, even though, logically, scientifically I know it has never been proven that worry and bad attitudes cause infertility.

I'm hoping this numbness and bad attitude is because I am simply protecting myself and my psyche and possibly mildly depressed (or maybe not even mildly), instead of it being a message from the universe that I should simply move on with my life... Alas, my hope is hard for me to hold onto right now, so can you?

Cycling Sucks Ass

Warning, there may be a bit of profanity here and there in this post. I'm venting...
 
I'm not sure if I'm just a big-time control-freak and freaking out over nothing, or if I'm trying to do every possible thing I can to give us our best shot at a baby. I'm so overwhelmed by all of the little details that I want to control and/or prevent from happening, that I find myself panicking in the car on my way home from work.

Logically, I know why this is:

1. I am not growing the eggs this time, so I really have nothing other to do than grow a beautiful, healthy landing zone for those embabies. I'm letting go of some of the control I usually have and that's very hard for me. Have those of you who have gone through donor eggs cycles felt the same?
2. We are spending thirty. fucking. thousand. dollars. on ONE shot at having a baby.
3. After so many years of shitty disappointments and underperformances, why would I expect anything but that going forward? At some point, yes, this will be over, but right now I just feel like we need to do everything we can to get me to a fresh transfer with some healthy embryos.

So here's the deal... and why I need to vent...

As I explained in one of my prior posts on the timeline of our donor cycle, I will be growing my uterine lining (which I've started growing) for almost 5 weeks before we get a chance to start Progesterone on the day of retrieval. In a normal female cycle, this 'growing' phase is the same as the 'follicular' phase and it usually last about 14 days.

The combination of Lupron and Estrogen allow my body to stay stalled out, mimicking the 'follicular' phase for a lot longer than normal, until Dotty is ready for her retrieval. Some RE's don't have the intended mother (that's me!!!!!) in this holding pattern for so long by hedging their bets that the intended mother's lining will grow properly and start the donor on her stims sooner than my RE starts hers. So maybe the intended mother's lining is only in a holding pattern for a week extra or so, instead of 3 extra that mine will be in.

Usually this is all well and good, but SOME women, for reasons unknown to me, actually have their lining fall apart before they get to retrieval. My RE's office estimates that it's somewhere between 1 in 10 and 1 in 20 women get to their final lining check, the day before the donor's egg retrieval, and their lining simply couldn't stay together that long... even with all the meds to tell it to just hang out. In this case, the donor still goes through the retrieval, the intended father still donates his swimmers, the eggs still get fertilized, and they they do a freeze all and prep the intended mother for a frozen transfer...

And if this happens to me, I will be spending way too much fucking money to do a frozen fucking transfer... !!! I WOULD BE SO PISSED!!! Especially when, in my mind, I think it's preventable.

Yes, yes, I know that FET's work, especially with donor eggs, and yes I know I would still a great chance at success, but right now, I'm just so anxious that I'm going to be that 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 women who's lining is going to not hold on in that holding pattern and mess, once again, in our attempt to have a baby. I mean, it feels like every other time we need my body to do something, it decides not to obey. Why should this be different?

FUCK! I'm so over this right now. I'm so sick having to think of all of these little what's if's and make adjust for them.

So you're saying to yourself, Tippy... TIppy... just breathe, don't get so ahead of yourself. OH!, and why can't you just have your donor start a week or so earlier?

Well, I did ask our NP last week to see if it would be ok, but alas, Dotty is out of town at the end of this week. Oh, and did I mention that at my clinic, they only start donors on their stims on either Thursday or Friday (I HATE when they put these restrictions on things... can't they work 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year for me????)  So if it's not this week (which it's not), it's next week...

Anyways, I'm venting quite a bit here and while I don't actually feel better after letting it all out, at least I have this documented somehow so that if I have to go back and scream at my clinic because if I end up being that lucky 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 woman, I will have it all logically written out.

Am I crazy? Really, am I? I certainly feel like it lately.

(Let's blame it on all this damn estrogen that I'm taking)

It Can't Hurt to Ask

I was looking at my calendar and trying to determine when our potential egg retrieval might be for our donor. If everything went smoothly and based on my lining check being scheduled on the 13th, Dotty's ER could have been right around the first day back at school. Since Tidy is a teacher, having the ER be on the first day of school would NOT be ok!

(Can you believe we started this process back at the end of May and we are still sitting here figuring out dates! Yikes. This has been mostly due to the the legal stuff and my body not cooperating, but grrr. This has been a long process!)

Anyways, that first day of school, as many of you teachers know, is a critical day for setting the tone of the school year and getting off to the right start. Tidy was not thrilled by the possibility of having to figure out how to leave school on his first day to go donate his swimmers to our baby making cause.

So I emailed my nurse at the clinic and explained the situation to her. And guess what... they agreed to move my lining check up to this coming Wednesday! Yay! That means Dotty's baseline is most likely going to be on Friday, a week from today... She could be starting stims a week from today!!! Can this really be happening?

I know, I know... don't get ahead of yourself, Tippy... We still have to make sure my lining is happy and we still have to make sure Dotty is ready to start stims, but at least we are getting closer. I can see that next hoop!
---------------
UPDATED (just about an hour after i posted the above) - BOOO!!! I guess we have to wait another week. 3 people's schedules are often harder to coordinate than 2, huh? I got so excited to get started and now... smack... wait again. Turns out Dotty is going to be out of town around the time her baseline would be if we were able to start late next week and she didn't share that w/ the RE's because she'd been targeting a baseline of the following week. So we're back to waiting just a bit longer.... Doh!

This really is a game of HURRY UP AND WAIT!

Thank you to the Ovaries and a Step by Step guide to DE IVF

Just got the word from my RE, we can start our meds to grow my lining. Yay! All of our pleas were finally taken into account by  my ovaries. Thank you, dear ovaries! Thank you.

So, onward to the next hoop... lining check on the 13th. I think I'll be over-doing it on yoga and breathing techniques to relax and get the blood flowing to that part of my body so that I get a nice cushy landing place for our potential embryos..

I was also thinking that some of you may not really have any clue what a donor cycle entails, so I thought I'd lay it out here, step by step. In many respects, its very similar to an IVF cycle, except it's just split between two women. The first half of growing the eggs is done by the donor, and the second, more mentally grueling half of waiting to see if the embryo's stick inside me, is done by me, the 'intended mother'. It's no different for Tidy, the 'intended father'.... still has to go donate his swimmers on day of retrieval, and go with me to the transfer day (assuming we make it there). I guess he doesn't, however, have to deal with a loopy wife for a day after the retrieval.

Ok, so step by step, here's what it looks like from my point of view.

1. Match with the anonymous donor
2. Both IM (that's me, the "intended mother") and donor (We're calling her Dotty) go on BCPs to put their bodies in a holding pattern
3. Work out a bunch of legal stuff... takes a while, for us, about a month
4. IM starts Lupron and stops BCPs. Stay's on Lupron for 10 days; Donor stays on BCPs
5. Suppression check for IM to see if all is quiet on the ovarian front (this is where my body decided to not cooperate, per usual)
6. If IM is suppressed, then starts about 2 weeks of Estrogen, to grow a thick uterine lining, while staying on Lupron to keep those ovaries at bay (although, i have heard that some women don't use Lupron and instead Estrogen itself has a suppression effect).  (this is where I am at right now!)
7. IM goes in after 2 weeks for a lining check and if all looks good and 'cushy' and 'triple striped', the Donor will stop her BCPs and once she gets a period, will start her stims.
8. Donor then does stims for 8-12 days, while IM is on Lupron and Estrogen keeping that lining all nice and happy.
9. Donor then has egg retrieval and on that day, IF (intended father, Tidy in this case), goes in to donate his swimmers to do their job. Donor and IF do not meet. Donor is done with her responsibility and is paid her fee soon thereafter. IM & IF get a call the next day on how many embryos they have growing. IM starts Progesterone to mimic ovulation so that the lining is in the right phase as the age of the embryos. IM also stops Lupron but stays on Estrogen (in my case.. not sure if all doc's do this, but mine does).... so Retrieval day is a big deal.
10. Depending on the quality of the embryos, 3-5 days later, the embryos (1-2 usually) are transferred back into IM.
11. Then the dreaded wait begins for IM & IF... and you know the drill... wait, worry, try not to focus on symptoms in your body, try not to pee on too many sticks, and hope and pray the gobs of $$ you just spent will finally amount to a take home baby.

Any questions?

Shhhh! Quite Please!

The spotting has started, and the low dull ache is just beginning... My period is on her way and all of a sudden another hoop is in my sights, another hoop on this long long road of jumping through hoops, clearing some, others smacking me in the face and making me fall down... all to get to my baby.

Either tomorrow or Thursday, I will go in for my ultrasound and bloodwork to see if, after being on lupron for 4 weeks now, my ovaries are finally quite. I've been telling them, as have other people, to please, stay quite, so I can finally get this cycle going.... Shhhh!!!

Keep your fingers, toes and eyes crossed that I will have some good news to report... that I have cleared the next hoop.