Friday, August 12, 2011

Hold onto my Hope?

I'm struggling right now to see the proverbial forest through the trees.

I'm so used to things going wrong, at every turn, with this baby quest, that I truly can't envision this cycle working out for us. I observe my mind being very numb and distant towards the rest of the world's pregnancies. Last night, Tidy and I went to a baseball game where I saw saw numerous women with big beautiful bellies, and I just look at them, blankly, with no emotion. I feel like that thing they are doing, that growing a life in that bulbous shape on their stomach, is so foreign to whatever I expect to experience in my life. I don't see it as an attainable goal anymore. I used to look at them with awe and hope that someday I could be there, but honestly, I'm not sure I can envision it.

I guess at some deep level I do have hope because if I didn't have any, I'm assuming (and really hoping) that I wouldn't pay this much money for something that I felt was hopeless.

But I just can't seem to see any further than the next appointment right now. And with each looming appointment for me or Dotty, I'm afraid the news that I get will be bad.

I'm also scared that my bad attitude is going to make this cycle fail if we are lucky enough to get to a transfer, even though, logically, scientifically I know it has never been proven that worry and bad attitudes cause infertility.

I'm hoping this numbness and bad attitude is because I am simply protecting myself and my psyche and possibly mildly depressed (or maybe not even mildly), instead of it being a message from the universe that I should simply move on with my life... Alas, my hope is hard for me to hold onto right now, so can you?


cgd said...

I could have written this post. it is impossible to hold out hope after this length of time and so many past treatments and failures. I too feel that pregnancies are these alien things that at this point I actually feet uncomfortable when I see it. Sad but true
I do not want to dumb a bunch of hope on to you but I do want to remind you that things are different this time. this DE is an entirely different process. And even though it is very complex, it is still perfectly reasonable to expect a different out come this go around.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Just wanted to say I completely know how you feel and have felt this way many times. I guess it made it easier for that reason for me to pursue adoption. It just seems so impossible. (Though now I've transferred this into a live baby seeming impossible.)

I agree with cgd... at least DE is a different type of treatment. But I totally get it.

thirtiesgirl said...

I'll hold out hope for you. Thinking only good thoughts.

Gurlee said...

I know how you feel. I don't think it's a bad thing to stay in the moment and not think ahead, in fact, being present is an amazing state of being to aspire to. I am not trying to be contrary or pollyannish, I mean it! None the less, I get it. Completely. And it sucks.
But like cgd said, donor eggs is a whole different world, you've made it this far, you can make it to the end!
I am rooting for you woman!
(I wish I could muster some of my enthusiasm for myself)

Anonymous said...

Tippy, I'm holding onto your hope. I've got it right here in my heart, and it's waiting for you. I'll hold it as long as you need until you're ready for it back. I'm not alone- there are so many of us here for you, holding your hope and sending ours your way as well... -Bebehope

Baby Steps said...

I just want to give you a big ol' hug! I know this is so hard and that it seems like time is (continues to) standing still...One day at a time and one small step at a time. The day will arrive and all of this madness will be behind you, this much I can promise.

Let it all out and keep the venting coming, you gotta get it out in a safe place and here is as good as any.

You hang in there and let me know if you need a new CD :)

Anonymous said...

This sounds like exactly what floats through my head, especially the part of the baby bellies being an unattainable goal and foreign to you. I am the same way. I also worry about my lack of hope or positivity that it can happen hurts our chances, but as you said, nothing has shown it does. Our IF councilor also believes it can't (same with stress) affect your odds. As much as we believe our hope is gone, it can't be completely to still be forging forward.....
I'll hold hope for you :)

Roccie said...

Here come the reality police. (Law, I am glad I can type this in case it makes you want to kick my ass.)

I have to correct you on your $30k for one shot. Enter the Joy of the DE. These talented young women sure as hell produce more than one egg. I mean, yeah, there are horror stories, but we cannot waste our energy on such BS.

I can understand your worry on the lining. All we can do it try to roll with it. It it so many damn variables. I had a near perfect fresh DE and a terrific lining - I had a negative fresh De xfer. I know one gal, R, who had a suck lining and was selecting a donor and dont you know that woman just up and got pregnant the old fashioned way - w.out an RE? WTF.

Stress cannot hurt you. Glad you know that - try not to let it snowball my dear.

I hope I dont sound like a dick. I just think you have loads of opportunity w DE and I want you to enjoy it as best you can. You sacrificed a shit load to get here.