Friday, May 17, 2013

Blink of an eye

I start this post in my head many days on my commute to work and I often think of so many things to say, but after a day or two goes by and my brain is fried from being busy at work and tending to babies at night, by the time I get here, well... it seems no longer eloquent or it's completely gone.

So maybe I'll just start by saying that I can't believe that I am a mom to two 11 month olds. They are just shy of one month of their first birthday.

Seriously! How did we get here? Didn't we just get pregnant a few weeks ago? Oh, but wait, that was a life time ago ...

Life is going along fairly smooth these days. Some updates I suppose are due.

I am a full time working mom and I guess I just have to be that person right now. I don't want to. But I do like my job so that helps. I would give anything to be at home full time with my babies these first few years. But they are in amazing hands...

As you may recall, Tidy was given this school year off as a sabbatical from his school district, and is our full time at home parent. A few month ago, he then informed me that he had finally made the decision to not renew his contract and take his chance when we are ready for him to go back and be a full time stay a home dad for a least another school year.

Grateful is the best word I can use to describe how I feel. Sooo sooo very grateful. I don't know how parents do it who have to get up every day and get things ready to drop their kids off at day care and then pick them up and then get home and make dinner and do chores and errands and.... I know many many people have to. And I know that of course you all figure out how to if you need to do it. But I am so glad we don't have to add that extra stress to our lives right now. Not only is this helpful in the calmness of our daily lives, but he is truly amazing with these kids. I really really know that they are benefiting from his presence. He's so calm with them and loving and engaging. He talks to them constantly, and makes up these wonderful stories about their day. I do know that I would not do those things as eloquently as he does. I'm truly impressed and more in awe by him than ever.

M&M and the Bean Burrito are moving, babbling, so interested in everything, teething, and all around just engaged in life. They are so fun to watch and explore the world with. I can't wait for all the adventures we are going to have. They are also so different but yet incredibly sweet in their own ways. M&M is a bulldog. She's a fast little crawler and wants to explore everything, especially things you aren't supposed to. She says "dat?" and points to all of the objects in the room. Bean is also moving, although his crawl is a bit more unique in the army crawl style. He's such a sweet, sweet boy. A bit of a flirt and very observant. He sits back and let's M&M take on the world and then when he is ready, he accomplishes his goal in his own way and is so proud of it. They both have their unique ways of telling me that they need me and both of them still turn my heart to butter. It pains me to leave them every morning for work, even yet.

As for you, my dear fertility warriors... I am here, rooting you all on with a passion. I don't get here much, but I'm here, sending all of my hope for your success and all of my strength for you to keep fighting. I hope that this past Mother's day was tolerable for you and that you felt loved or recognized by someone in your family or support network for what you are going through, especially on that day. It's a hard one and I didn't forget.

On my first Mother's day last week, we spent the day with my family and had dinner together. It was low key, no gifts and just family time... just as I wanted it to be. I spent so many of those days lying around in my house, avoiding the public and television and radio because I didn't want to experience the pain of not being a mom on the day that the rest of the world celebrates. I know you understand. So for me, this day was still more of a reminder of all of you who are still struggling and who were hiding in the wings, waiting for the pain to pass. I thought of you all and honored you. It's just one day... it's just one day I would tell myself....

That's about all I have right now. I am toying with ending this blog in the very near future, after all they are toddlers now... no more little babies. Tippy and Tidy HAVE traveled a tumultuous trip to toddlers.

It is an honestly bittersweet feeling. I can't describe it. So all I can do is hold on to them, very loosely and stay as present as I can in the moments we spend together, soaking it all in... because I do truly still soak it all in. I have to... if I blink an eye, I still feel like this could all be gone in a heartbeat...

I love you babies, more than you will ever know.