Monday, August 20, 2012

10 weeks

Weeks, days, hours, are flying by. Each day seems to go so fast, but when I look back on the day and the weeks, months, so much has seemed to happen. Kids change your perspective on time, huh?

The past few days have been up and down with my sweet little M&M. She has some fussy ones and then ones when she could sleep all day. I think there is so much going on in their little brains and they are changing at such a rapid pace that some days they just need to sleep and other days they need to fuss. We've started some reflux meds for her and also probiotics. Hopefully that and time will help her with her pain and sadness. We have had more happier moments lately and that has been nice. One interesting thing that she has started is a pout when she gets sad or is in pain and it just melts my heart. She's becoming so much more expressive and it makes me proud.

The Bean Burrito has been his ever steady mellow sweetie... I could snuggle with him all day. He's also very expressive and seems to look at me with adoring eyes, melting my heart yet again.

Tonight, as Tidy made dinner for my mom and me, I put Bean & M in their two rock-n-play thingies and sang to them. They were both looking at me and smiling and responding with coos and various other expressions that I felt like it was the first time we were all communicating together... The warmth I felt as my family spent time together in my favorite room, the kitchen, fulfilled a long sought after dream. Hopefully a lifetime of family dinners sits before us.

These kids do something new each day that help me get over the interrupted sleep, fussy crying and being pooped and puked on...way over. They bring me so much joy, it's unexplainable.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Colic is the Devil

My sweet little M&M has developed colic over the past few weeks. I'd say it truly started around week 7. She's just over 9 weeks today. And this, my friends, is no "gassy" stomach...

What we are dealing with here is 3+ hours of on and off crying in the evening, most days of the week. Additionally, it has started to creep into our morning and afternoon as well. We have tried everything: probiotics, gripe water, the "5 S's" from the Happiest Baby on the Block book, wearing her, keeping her at the breast. We've even started reflux meds in hopes that this might be some of the cause.

But deep down inside, I do believe that this really has not much to do with reflux or the gas we hear coming from her from time to time... I think it's just her sweet little body is not quite ready to handle all the stimulation that she is so very interested in in this new world, and we just have to ride the wave and hope she grows out of it soon.

Tidy is in our "dark room" right now rocking her with white noise by her ear. (It's our office, that we've moved the baby swings into. It has the only light blocking shades in the house, so we use it as a place to help them nap... thus the "dark room"). He's better at consoling her than I am (Which also breaks my heart, on top of the already breaking heart from all of the crying. I think he has to really tune into her and figure out what she needs, where as I just use the breast... it's a magic weapon, sometimes.

But colic not only is sad for the baby, it is breaking our hearts, making our nerves frazzled, having us take precious time away from the Bean Burrito somewhat, or at least not be able to give him as much attention since M&M needs so much right now. I hope he will forgive me. He's such a sweet soul.. so happy and calm. I guess I'm quite thankful they are both not suffering from this.  She's such a sweet little soul too. She's got the most precious smile and she can break your heart in an instant. But the crying... the blood curdling crying...

Our nights are robbed of time together too. We go back and forth from helping to soothe her, communicating via text messages across the house. "I need a break"... "Can you bring me some water?"... "Will you make dinner?"

When will this end? 2ish weeks has seemed like an eternity. Yet another time that I want to scream at the "fair" keepers in the world (which I know don't exist). I want to say to them, "Why the fuck did this happen too? 5 years to get these babies, C-section infection and now a colic-y baby? Why can't we just enjoy this and have things go smoothly for once". Yes, I say that in my head a few times over and let it out. But I know we will get through this and I know that I am still blessed to have these beautiful lives in ours.

I'd better go relieve Tidy. He's been a trooper tonight, consoling not only M&M, but also me, the wife who is struggling not to cry right along with her.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

A little reassurance goes a long way

I can't believe that 8 weeks has gone by since my water broke. It has seemed like ages and also like just a blink of the eye. So much has seemed to happen in such a short amount of time.

We went on our first weekend getaway and road trip.
(They did amazing!! Slept in their car seats both nights, but traveled well)

M&M at the resort

We took our first hike.
(We wore them in the wraps and hiked up to a bluff to look over the river nearby. It was sunny and breezy and they got a lot of fresh air... tired them out, I think)

The Bean Burrito, Pog and Tidy on our hike

We went to our first farmers market.
(Momma got a big big cup of iced coffee and a pain au chocolat at the bakery... yum!)

My coffee, oh and the twins at the market

We've had our first purposeful smiles that I can now get to happen on a fairly regular basis.

We are also experiencing our first bout of fussiness, or excessive crying, which some might term "colic".

The other night, as I lie asleep and Tidy took the early "night shift" on the couch with the babies in swings (did I mention that we are creating monsters and letting them sleep in their swings at night right now? It's the only way we are getting sleep..), he wrote me this:

Just sitting here looking through your blog, the words, the pictures and at the babies swinging across from me. I hope you realize what a wonderful job you have done. Our journey had the potential, at many stops, to crush our will to continue. But here we are... parents to two amazing lives. Do not doubt yourself for a single minute. You are amazing. We will thrive in this journey together.

I love you, 

(Yes, we have shortened versions of Tippy and Tidy...)

I needed to hear that. This parenting thing is hard! Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough and I worry they are not getting the proper amount of stimulation, or attention, since I have to divide it between two. Do they feel loved? Do they feel comforted? Especially lately, with M&M, who is developing "colic"... I hate to see her cry and not be able to stop it immediately and consistently. Poor M&M!! (We are going to the Dr today to see if maybe it's reflux or gas or... or just fussiness that we hope she will grow out of soon).

I also worry about going back to work in just 4 short weeks. Are they going to miss me? Will they know how very much I love them? I'm going to miss so many firsts that Tidy will see (Yes, I am a slight bit jealous... ok... a lot).

In the end, I know we are doing a good job... hopefully a great job. It's just all so new that some days a little reassurance goes quite a long way. Maybe one day, a long time from now, I will hear from each of them individually, that I did a 'bang up job' as a mamma...

That will be a fine day.