Thursday, December 6, 2012

My Everythings


Remember me?

I'm Tippy. This is my blog. I write here.

Clearly not much, lately.

I suppose that's what happens when you are a working mom of twins.

First things first. The babies are amazing. Hectic, fussy sometimes, not the best sleepers, but absolutely amazing. Each day I love them more and more. They will be 6 months next week. I can not believe it. This half year has gone warp speed, yet we seem to have come so far. I know you understand. Life changes affect your life at warp speed.

I feel like having the twins caused my life to go from zero to 60, heck zero to 100 in like 1.1 seconds and then adding back in the full time work gig, well that accelerated it even more. I spent so much time in those first few months in a heightened state of function. go go go go go.

And then something clicked. I finally relaxed into this. I found my groove with the babies and the house and the husband and I just let go. I let go of the feeling of always having to accomplish something each day, like cooking a meal, or getting to the grocery store, or sorting through their clothes that they have outgrown quickly. I let go and realized that that feeling wasn't how I wanted to be around them. I wanted to simply enjoy them and look back on this year with a sense of peace and joy that I was able to soak it in as best I could. Especially since with being a working mom, my week day time with them is so limited.

I miss them immensely during the day. Immensely. I don't think they will ever know how deeply I wish that it was me who was helping them navigate through these young years. I fantasize in the car on my commute to work about being able to go into my boss and say, "Tidy and I have talked about it and we decided that he was going back to work and I am going to stay home... indefinitely". I know it's not all roses, and I'm sure that there would be many days where I wish that I was back at work, but I wish I could give it a try.

I do my best to "own" my role (wink wink.. that's for you Tidy) and do a good job. I try hard not to bring home the stress that I feel from my work right now. I try hard to switch it off and come home and just soak in the 2 hours or so I get with my babies during the work days. I try hard to just have that be enough on those days.

It not enough though.  It's never enough...

But I have to learn how to let it be enough for now.


So what's up with those sweet babies, you ask? Oh man... so very much. They are close to sitting up on their own, they are teething (drooling like mad, feet and hands in their mouth at all times, a bit fussy here and there), they are starting to acknowledge eachother and want to reach out, they reach out to me and to their favorite toys, they laugh when I make silly face at them and play peek-a-boo, they sit in their high chairs when we are eating dinner and they watch us and want to be a part of it, they are so just open to the world... its amazing. When we take them new places, they are the stars of the show. They open their eyes and look around and soak it in and smile and coo at everything new.

This openness reminds me that I need to be open too... open to the life that I have right now and not the life that I want... once again, the world's gentle way of telling me to just... be... here, because as a wise woman once said (in a book I am reading called Momma Zen)... "here is everything and everything is here"

So here is a picture of my everything...