You would think by the title of this blog that I would be talking about the unfairness of infertility.
But I'm not.
First, a cycle update before my story: Dotty had her baseline yesterday and all went well. She is starting her meds today. I should get an update on Monday after her first ultrasound. Fingers, toes and eyes are crossed that we get a few good embryos out of this deal... well, that and a baby too :-)
Ok, back to the story... I learned a lot yesterday from my therapist. A lot about unfairness and anger. And while it now all seems very obvious, I feel like I understand some of the anger that I carry around inside a whole lot better.
I get angry, like screaming angry, at my sister and at my husband, but mostly in my dreams (sometimes in person... but I try not to). I'm usually angry at them for doing something that I think is unfair, or not the way I think it should go. I don't WANT to be an angry person. And mostly in real life, I don't think I am. But I definitely have some deep seeded anger down inside there.
I talked with my therapist yesterday about these dreams and the anger that I carry around. She said that anger is from a perceived feeling of unfairness, injustice. And it's ok to feel things are unfair and react, but the reaction should be on par with the stimulus. So it's ok to give a little eye roll at something small, say like when someone cuts in front of you in line, but it's not ok to feel intense tightness in your chest. That tightness though, really isn't about the line cutter, say, but about some deeper feelings of injustice/unfairness in your life that you haven't resolved.
We then talked a bit about my mom's disease (bipolar), and about how old I was when she was first hospitalised. I was only 12, I think. 12 years old... and at that point, I took on the house maker role in some ways. I did laundry, and cleaned the kitchen, and organized things, I packed lunches. It was a lot for a 12 year old to deal with but I think, if memory serves me right, that it kind of felt good. It felt good because things were quite chaotic in our house hold when mom was at her sickest, and when she was gone, there was sadness, but there was also peace. And I liked that peace.
It's funny though. As I look back on that time in my life, I see it now as a 36 year old, not as a 12 year old. And I have no friggin clue what and how a 12 year old thinks and how having to step into that role and be an adult for a while, at age 12, affected me.
Hmmm.... I wonder if I feel like that was UNFAIR!?!?!? Unfair that I had to worry about those things and didn't have a care free 12 -20 year old existence? Unfair that my mom and I didn't have the relationship that I probably craved. Unfair that my sisters were younger and maybe didn't seem affected by it as I did at the time. (Clearly, each of us has our own memory of our childhoods, which might not always match... but that's ok. There is no right memory, ya know? They are individually ours)
And so maybe, when I get angry at things in my dreams and sometimes in my life, and I feel that tightness in my chest and desire to correct the wrongness, it's not really about that perceived unfairness at that time, but it's actually about this unfairness I haven't dealt with from so long ago.
Hmmmm... It all seems so obvious to me..... now! I think I'm really going to like going to my therapist. Next question for her is... why my sister and my dear Tidy? Why are they the objects of my anger in my dreams?
I think therapy is going to agree with me :-)
10 comments:
hello
I'm a new reader and just wanted to say I really liked this post, thank you for sharing :)
Finding a therapist is a great thing, especially when you click and when you're challenged. A definite opportunity for growth.
It sounds like you had to take on a lot as a child, I am sorry. Hoping you continue to sort through your feelings and figure out more about the anger.
I wonder if Jungian psychotherapists would say your dreams have something to do with your anima/animus. I don't know much about this, just what I've learned from the university of Wikipedia.
this is such great insights. Take this for what its worth, (I am a therapist but clearly do not pretend to be your therapist at all) I sometimes think that we are able to get mad those that we have the safest, most secure relationships. I am not sure if this extends to dreams too, but perhaps so. You may feel with these 2 you are able to let it out more without consequences like abandonment, which is often what is feared when we let out our anger. Just a thought. Take it for what its worth (or not worth for that matter).
on another note, so glad Dotty is getting started!! Fingers and toes are crossed.
Woohoo for a great an insightful session with yout therapist! Sounds like you had some ah-ha moments with her. It TOTALLY makes sense that you would often react strongly to "unfairness" ESPECIALLY with IF. Unfairness is the crux of IF for sure! and YAY for Dotty getting started. I really hope all goes smoothly with her and you're up and running. yahoo!!
Such a good point! I have a real problem with wanting the world to be fair, and though I've seen again and again (especially with IF) that it isn't, I still get really upset at th unfairness! I don't know how to become more zen about it, but I appreciate the insight that its natural for anger to come from this sense of unfairness.
Also, always excited to find other DE blogs--I'm currently pregnant thanks to donor eggs from my bff! Wishing you much luck!
Hi there - new reader from ICLW August.
I think anger is a perfectly acceptable emotion, so long as you (not you specifically, but people in general) are "safe" with their anger. (My mom is a therapist IRL and sometimes her psychotherapy ramblings come out in my everday speech ... sorry!) :)
Anyways, waiting for an update on Dotty! Good luck!
Hey! I'm a new reader from ICLW August.
I really enjoyed reading this since I too have dreams where I'm upset with other people. It is usually family and anytime I have to explain my side, no one is listening to me and I get so frustrated. Maybe I need to work on making myself heard in real life.
It sounds like you have a good therapist and it is great that it is doing you so much good! Hope you continue growing and learning about yourself! :)
Hi from ICLW...could so relate to this post, I have the same anger. Also had a strange dream about my (also mentally ill) father this week...anger and control issues abound! Can't wait to see what happens with Dotty! Good luck! xoxo
Therapy is awesome. I know I'm biased, but what can I say? ;-) Sooooo glad that you got a lot out of that session....ah-ha moments rock. And YAY for Dotty starting to stim! Woo-hoo!!!
I have one silly donor egg question: Do you get to keep all of her eggs? I'm thinking if she has quite a few healthy ones, you'll have plenty left for freezing. Right?
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