Friday, August 26, 2011

Dumping Dotty

I got the phone call from my RE's office while I was in the middle of a meeting yesterday at work, and while I didn't get any details (ya me! I didn't ask for any either... can you believe it? I let go of some of the control!!!) ... they recommended that we cancel her cycle.

So, with that, we are dumping our donor.

Sorry Dotty, it's not you.... it's your ovaries. They aren't kicking it the way we need them to. This just isn't working out...

Ya know what, though? I'm actually ok emotionally and very glad this was a clear decision, per the doctor's recommendation. I am kind of sad to lose her, but... not really. I thought I was more attached to her than I am, but I'm not. I guess I was really just attached to the idea of her rockin' ovaries. But now that I know they aren't optimal and there are other women out there with way better ovaries... I want THOSE ovaries instead!

There is some sadness resurfacing because I now have to go back into the clinic and choose a donor...again... and I know that process brings up feelings of loss of my own genetics. I'm already feeling a bit sad once again that I don't get to pass on my own genetics... my hair, my legs, my height, my eye color, my quirks, my face shape...

With Dotty, I was feeling like I wanted so badly to make an emotional connection with my donor, at some strange anonymous level that we were allowed to. But really right now, what I want are just some healthy eggs. I'm not buying a relationship here, I'm just buying some genetic material that may or may not be close to my own. In the end, my child will be their own unique individual, no matter where their genetic material comes from. And I will love him/her/them as fully as I would love any child because they are an individual, they are themselves, not because they did or did not come from an egg that I grew in my own body.

So, while this break up was done via a third party (ie, my clinic), I do hope that Dotty doesn't feel too badly about herself. I'm sure it's a disappointment from her point of view that her body didn't do something that it was supposed to do, and she doesn't get that nice healthy sum of money after the retrieval...

There's VERY small suspicious part of my mind that wonders if maybe she got cold feet and just didn't take the meds... (yes, I know, that's a bit crazy to think.. but... ya never know, right?)

In any event, these are things I will never know, so the only option I have is to keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other, marching, every so diligently, towards our baby...

11 comments:

Heather said...

UGH. I'm sorry that dotty didn't work out. But at least you found out before the completed cycle that her eggs are less than stellar. Hopefully dotty II's ovaries will rise to the challenge.

RunningMama said...

I'm so sorry that Dotty didn't work, but I am glad that it is a CLEAR answer that you should move on. I only hope you get some woman with FATTY-@SS ovaries that produce a lot of good, healthy eggs (is that inappropriate??? :>). AND, I hope that she is ready to cycle ASAP. This also deals with the issue of you being on lupron so freaking long...hopefully that won't have to happen next cycle.

Mommy ToBe (I hope) said...

Sorry that Dotty didn't work out. But, I'm glad that there is a new path with hopefully someone with better ovaries :)

michelle said...

So sorry to hear this. My first donor didn't work out either and it was very frustrating to start over again. The right one will come along!

My second donor worked out beautifully. Hang in there. This one just wasn't meant to be. TRY to see it as a major bullet dodged. It would suck even more to get only a couple of lousy eggs yet incur the full cost of a full cycle...

Hugs to you!

Chelle said...

Such a bummer! Two steps forward, one step back. At least it isn't the other way around.

Its so nice when you can just take the small dissapointments life hands you, isn't it? It is so refreshing to not care with every fiber of your being or feel like you've lost control. Its a great place to be.

Upwards and onwards and here's to a new donor!

LC said...

Cheers to an even better donor! I know it is hard to start over again, but I think this was a blessing in disguise. You need and deserve the best out there ... and Dotty, well let's just say..she wasn't cutting it!

Jenny said...

What a sucky setback, but I'm glad you're positive about moving forward and onto bigger and better ovaries! I feel like your baby (or babies. . . in that case we'll have to have a multiples-playdate!) will be here very soon. Thinking of you!

Sarah said...

That sucks....I am so sorry!!

I know how excited you were.

Sending you lots of hugs!!!

LisaB said...

Gosh darn it!!! I'm so sorry :-( You have a great outlook though. I hope and pray you find a donor with some kick ass ovaries asap!

Gurlee said...

I'm sorry Dotty didn't work out but the most important thing is to have a heathly, prolific donor that will help aid in your family building. Like someone above said better now then later, you don't want to sink so much money into something that does not pay off. I know the delay blows but it will happen, soon.
As always, sending you love & strength!

Hopeful1 said...

I'm sorry things didn't work out with Dotty but on the bright side of things, at least you found out before it was to late.

I hear you on the connection, it took three donors before we found the one and with each pick it got easier and easier to separate a connection. I just wanted someone that was proven and had produced many eggs her prior cycle. The wait doe me was worth it. I hope you find your donor soon.