Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Cycling Sucks Ass

Warning, there may be a bit of profanity here and there in this post. I'm venting...
 
I'm not sure if I'm just a big-time control-freak and freaking out over nothing, or if I'm trying to do every possible thing I can to give us our best shot at a baby. I'm so overwhelmed by all of the little details that I want to control and/or prevent from happening, that I find myself panicking in the car on my way home from work.

Logically, I know why this is:
  1. I am not growing the eggs this time, so I really have nothing other to do than grow a beautiful, healthy landing zone for those embabies. I'm letting go of some of the control I usually have and that's very hard for me. Have those of you who have gone through donor eggs cycles felt the same?
  2. We are spending thirty. fucking. thousand. dollars. on ONE shot at having a baby.
  3. After so many years of shitty disappointments and underperformances, why would I expect anything but that going forward? At some point, yes, this will be over, but right now I just feel like we need to do everything we can to get me to a fresh transfer with some healthy embryos.
So here's the deal... and why I need to vent...

As I explained in one of my prior posts on the timeline of our donor cycle, I will be growing my uterine lining (which I've started growing) for almost 5 weeks before we get a chance to start Progesterone on the day of retrieval. In a normal female cycle, this 'growing' phase is the same as the 'follicular' phase and it usually last about 14 days.

The combination of Lupron and Estrogen allow my body to stay stalled out, mimicking the 'follicular' phase for a lot longer than normal, until Dotty is ready for her retrieval. Some RE's don't have the intended mother (that's me!!!!!) in this holding pattern for so long by hedging their bets that the intended mother's lining will grow properly and start the donor on her stims sooner than my RE starts hers. So maybe the intended mother's lining is only in a holding pattern for a week extra or so, instead of 3 extra that mine will be in.

Usually this is all well and good, but SOME women, for reasons unknown to me, actually have their lining fall apart before they get to retrieval. My RE's office estimates that it's somewhere between 1 in 10 and 1 in 20 women get to their final lining check, the day before the donor's egg retrieval, and their lining simply couldn't stay together that long... even with all the meds to tell it to just hang out. In this case, the donor still goes through the retrieval, the intended father still donates his swimmers, the eggs still get fertilized, and they they do a freeze all and prep the intended mother for a frozen transfer...

And if this happens to me, I will be spending way too much fucking money to do a frozen fucking transfer... !!! I WOULD BE SO PISSED!!! Especially when, in my mind, I think it's preventable.

Yes, yes, I know that FET's work, especially with donor eggs, and yes I know I would still a great chance at success, but right now, I'm just so anxious that I'm going to be that 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 women who's lining is going to not hold on in that holding pattern and mess, once again, in our attempt to have a baby. I mean, it feels like every other time we need my body to do something, it decides not to obey. Why should this be different?

FUCK! I'm so over this right now. I'm so sick having to think of all of these little what's if's and make adjust for them.

So you're saying to yourself, Tippy... TIppy... just breathe, don't get so ahead of yourself. OH!, and why can't you just have your donor start a week or so earlier?

Well, I did ask our NP last week to see if it would be ok, but alas, Dotty is out of town at the end of this week. Oh, and did I mention that at my clinic, they only start donors on their stims on either Thursday or Friday (I HATE when they put these restrictions on things... can't they work 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year for me????)  So if it's not this week (which it's not), it's next week...

Anyways, I'm venting quite a bit here and while I don't actually feel better after letting it all out, at least I have this documented somehow so that if I have to go back and scream at my clinic because if I end up being that lucky 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 woman, I will have it all logically written out.

Am I crazy? Really, am I? I certainly feel like it lately.

(Let's blame it on all this damn estrogen that I'm taking)

11 comments:

amiracle4us said...

E2 IS a bitch, but you aren't crazy :) This is all SO stressful when your hopes and dreams are being dangled in front of you. Then throw in $$$$ (should I add some more $$$) and it is even more worse. I think your fears (all of them) are valid and understood.

Just let it out and know we are all rooting for you :)

jill's infertility document said...

Yes, let it all out. I hope after hitting 'post' and sitting back (and yes, breathing) that you do feel a little bit better. You are not crazy, this is stressful; and where the hell is Dotty?! Stressful.

LC said...

I'm glad you took the time to let it all out on here. We are pulling for you. I think everything you're feeling is completely normal. I so hope this works for you...it seems as though you have been to hell and back through all this. I'm sorry & praying for you!

Maria said...

Oh. My. God. The lining can fall apart??? My God, I would be freakin' out too!!!!! How awful that you have to add THIS on top of everything else to worry about. Dammit! $30,000 should equal a picture perfect cycle ending with a real live baby. Hoping this is just one of those worries and that your lining stays awesome and ready for baby(ies). xoxo

thirtiesgirl said...

I had no idea lining could fall apart! I don't know a lot about this process. Crossing my fingers that this works for you.

Sarah S said...

Vent away honey!!!

IF sucks!! We have to hand away control of our bodies!!

SEnding you tons of Hugs!!!

Cherm29 said...

You're not crazy just spent! Figuratively and literally!! You have a right to feel anxious but I bet that lining is going to be just perfect! Deep breaths my dear friend...deep breaths...

cgd said...

you are not even a little crazy, this is hard stuff. You are putting so much time, effort, energy, and money into this cycle. Not to mention all of the cycles that have come before this, I think the effect is totally cumulative. I know that this is great path for you guys, but also know that it is far from easy. hang in there, we are there for you....

RunningMama said...

I didn't even think about the lining aspect of this. I agree that they should be working 365/24 for you...given that you are spending that much freaking money, you know? All you have is your brain in this...figuring things out, hoping that you can anticipate challenges, hoping to stay ahead....but at the same time, we have such little control over any of this. Thinking about you!

LisaB said...

Oh man, I feel for you!! I would be going nuts. All these things have to fall into place and it feels so crappy to not have control. I am thinking of you and hoping that things keep falling into place! You so deserve this to go off without a hitch. <3

KC said...

Kathleen, I can totally relate. I was terrified my donor cycle would be converted to a frozen cycle. The clinic reasssured me that the stats weren't significanly different but that didn't change my feelings about it. I was on lupron and estrogen for 7 weeks and I was on pins and needles the entire time.
I am thinking of you and I have faith that this will work out for you. I agree that it is so frustrating when clinics have restrictions that aren't more flexible to the patients needs and schedules. Hang in there!!!