Tidy and I went to our RE yesterday afternoon to look at donor profiles and we found a bigger and better (ovarian reserve, speaking) version of Dotty. We signed the intent papers and officially have been matched with our new donor. Yet another new beginning in this long journey to our child.
Henceforth, she will be called Dotty 2.0.
We are so very lucky that the timing worked out with her. She's one of our clinic's "rock star" donors. She's young, has a child of her own, has done a few cycles and has always had frozen embryos as well as some pregnancy outcomes in the intended parent.
Now I know this doesn't necessarily mean that we will have the same results, but we have a much more "proven" and vetted donor this time.
She's not as 'familiar' looking as I felt when I saw Dotty (the original donor) for the first time, but I think right now, we are willing to take someone who has a bit less of a physical resemblance for quick availability and "rock star" status.
I must say that this process hasn't been easy, emotionally. I really am excited to move forward with her, but as I suspected, going back to look at these profiles made me feel a sense of longing for my own genetics. It re-opened that wound. Dotty 2.0 doesn't have the exact features I was looking for, but she's cute, as much as you can tell from a less than one year old picture. I think I just have a lot of fear that if we get pregnant, I will react negatively to the look of our baby that comes out of me 9 months later. I'm honestly terrified that she or he will look a certain way that I don't find attractive in my child... Is that crazy? I'm sure that sounds awfully superficial. And I'm somewhat embarrassed to write it. But it's a real fear that I felt when I started this process and I feel now. I wonder if this is a true fear of people in my situation? I don't know. Is this nuts?
It doesn't seem to bother Tidy at all. He's very excited about this donor based on her stats. He's so ready for this to work and for this to be over with, and oh my gosh, so. am. I! But...
...fears surface and I wonder.
We will find out this coming Tuesday how soon we can cycle with her. She could start her meds as early as this coming Thursday. Our bump in the road could equate to only about a 2 week delay.
17 comments:
Yay Tippy! This was really exciting to read. I follow your blog very closely as DE are something my husband and I have been considering. Don't feel embarrassed about what you wrote because I have thought that same EXACT thing. I also wonder how I will cope with never being able to see "me" physically in my child and I also wonder if I would resent hubby at all since his genetics would be a part of our child. ALL of these thoughts I think are normal and just something that we work through day by day. You're not nuts one bit! I think the joy this child will bring to you is going to far outweigh any of these reservations and that is what I tell myself as well.
Thanks for sharing. I'm super excited for you and your hubby! This is going to be it!
Glad you have found a new donor and that it won't delay things too much for you.
Well, I am so so happy that this new donor has good stats AND that it will be only a SHORT bump in the road. As for how you will feel about the baby, even ugly babies are cute and he/she will be ALL YOURS. I think that some ambiguous feelings about the baby in the beginning are totally normal and my egg donor therapist said that it took her a couple of months to bond with her children, but it's not something she even thinks about. She's a dark italian brunette who's married to another dark italian brunette and they have three blond haired kids (her donor was dark italian brunette as well, who knows?!). You will grow and get to know this baby for 9 months....it's not like he/she is going to come from no-where. But, I will tell you that I have had the exact same concerns with my bio child...what if she looks like my husband's side of the family (LARGE boned, dark skin, generally obese, etc.) and wondered if that would affect how I feel about her...but I know this is a more complicated issue with donor gametes.
Nothing ever comes easy, does it! I am sorry you had to go through this but I am glad that you have found Dotty 2.0.
I can totally relate to your post. I also have anxiety about seeing our babies and as you know my donor is my sister. It is funny because I would have pursued adoption so I don't really get my hang up. I guess it is just the unknown and some little bit of insecurity about not using my own egg. I wonder if "normal" fertile people ever have the same concerns about seeing thier babies for the first time.
Anyways, I hope you are a smooth and quick path to motherhood now!
Wishing you the very best of luck with your new donor. I hope the delay ends up meaning nothing because it's overshadowed by the positive.
ICLW #19
Good Luck working with Dotty 2.0 . I hope her great record will help you achieve the dream of being a mom.
I know that it must be very hard on you. Very.
Please take care of yourself and Tidy too.
I used to worry that T and I would make ugly babies, because we've seen "ugly" couples make beautiful babies. LOL. Okay, I'm totally embarrassed to say that, too. Shit....we're ALL normal for thinking these things, I think. We in the ALI community are just more open/verbal about it. SO SO glad you found Dotty 2.0! She sounds like a donor rockstar! :D
Yay for matching with a new Dotty so quickly! I hear you on your concerns though...I don't think they are superficial at all. I haven't been in your shoes but if I were I'm sure I would share those with you.
A two week delay is NOTHING in the whole scheme of it. YAY!!!
Don't feel embarrassed ... it's a real and valid fear - but trust me, you will love your baby no matter what. I'm so glad you went with a new donor since the other one wasn't having any luck :( I hope and pray good things for you.... and a baby very very soon!
Happy ICLW from # 86 <3
So glad you found Dotty 2.0 and that the wait won't be too long. I can absolutely understand your feelings and I think they're perfectly normal. Take care.
Dotty 2.0 -- cute. The first operating system failed so you had to upgrade. I appreciate your fears, but understand that it's all part of the grieving process. It's not superficial. And you know what, you are going to think that child is the most beautiful child in the world because of all that you went through to get him/her. It won't matter later as much as it matters now. And, I'm going to guess that lots of people have the exact same thoughts but not everyone has the guts to say it.
I hope the wait is over soon.
I am new to your blog, but wow, I really appreciate the honesty here in this post. I think your fears are totally natural. However, I also think that you'll bond with your baby so much and you'll love them so much more than you can even imagine.
Thanks for your ability to be honest and share your feelings about a process that isn't easy.
Glad you found a new donor and wishing you the best of luck for this cycle.
I've had the same thoughts wether it's our biological child or not so don't worry!!! Wishing for the best hun :) xo
I don't blame you for having fears - it's only natural. I would wonder too what the child will look like. But it will be yours and take after your mannerisms. I'm sure it will be a beautiful baby. I'm SOOO EXCITED about your new kick ass donor! Go dotty 2.0! WOOT!
Wow. That is great that things might work out so quickly with the new donor. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.
As for your fears, I don't doubt they are very real, and that anyone else in your shoes wouldn't feel the same way. I do know that once you've had that baby, you won't feel that fear anymore. Even though the egg might not be yours, the baby will be. I don't know if you are an animal person, but if you are, then you know how it is when you bring a new pet home and they become part of the family. The same happens with your baby, just at a more accelerated pace and on a much deeper level. No matter what, this baby will be YOURS. Your maternal instincts will kick in the same as if it had been created from your egg.
Best wishes with this donor. I hope it all goes smoothly!
I am proud of you too for writing something that feels crummy. It isnt superficial. If we didnt think about it, would we really have considered the whole thing at the depth required? Prob not.
As you know having loads of pregnant and mommy friends, people can have some ugly ass babies but thankfully the parents cannot see it. ;) I hope that made you laugh and you are not banishing me from your blog for lack of sensitivity.
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