Sunday, April 3, 2011

Gracias, Mexico

A week can do wonders, especially when it's a week on a beach in Mexico.

Tidy and I had a great time together. We EVEN had sex for fun!!! Can you believe it? A 4+ year veteran of the infertility world having sex.... for ... FUN???  Wow.

Needless to say, it was a welcome break.

I also fell in love again... twice... once with an old friend (tequila) and once with a new friend (chilaquiles). I love Mexico.

But now it's back to reality and in the past two days since we've been back, reality has hit me hard. I've already cried to Tidy a few times, saying, "Take me back there! I wanna go back!!!"

First, I started Lupron for my FET during the latter half of my trip. I was really proud of myself for not bruising my belly and was able to still wear my bikini the whole time! I go in for my baseline this Thursday and am hoping that I am suppressed enough so that I can start my estrogen. Even though an FET is way less stressful than an IVF cycle, I still am anxious about getting into the 2ww again and getting my hopes up. Moreso, I'm anxious that we made the right decision to put these embryos back in me and not into a surrogate or even try to test them for chromosomal issues... but in the end, I didn't want to risk not having these embryos to transfer and so I guess we'll never know if my eggs truly suck or if I've just been unlucky 5 times, or if I really do have immune issues.

I also have a free phone consult with CCRM next week, but I'm not really sure I will learn anything new or want to change the course of this FET based on a 5th opinion... or whatever it is now... I can't keep track. Maybe I should read my own timeline.. LOL!

Secondly, I'm anxious for a different reason... And maybe now that I've gone 'incognito' from the majority of my IRL friends and family, I can more openly discuss another family issue that has caused me pain and anxiety... you see.... My mom is bi-polar and schizo-effective. And I love her. And she's an amazing mom in many ways, today... But she's been this way for at least 30 years. For the last 10 years or so, we've been blessed as a family that my mom has stayed on her medication and for the most part has been stable, but there are times here and there that signs of a 'sick' mom peak through and it puts all of us on edge. And that's occurring right now.... and I can't control it... and it makes me worried and anxious that she will have another episode...

... there's so much more I could go into here, but I will say that I do believe growing up in an unpredictable childhood, no matter how hard my dad tried to keep our family as stable as possible, has somehow affected my fertility. I think there's some deep issues in my psyche that relate to my relationship with my mom and have prevented me from truly being open to motherhood in some ways.... for now... i'll leave this topic at that, but the figurative can of worms has been opened.

So, on the night before I have to go back to work and give up my spring break from infertility and from worrying about the health and well-being of my family, I sit here wondering where these next few weeks will take me and hope that I can keep some of the peace (and fun sex) that I gained on the beach this last week...  Gracias, Mexico, for a much needed respite.


LisaB said...

I'm SO glad you had a wonderful trip! Missed you! I'm so excited for your FET!
And wow, about your mom. That must be so hard. I grew up in a pretty crazy situation, not mental health-wise, but drugs and alcohol - so I can relate to the ups and downs with parents. HUGS!

Maria said...

Whoa....tequila and I were never So glad you were reunited. And I'd LOVE to know what chilaquiles are! If it's food, I'm down. ;-)

As for Mom.....such insight, my friend. Unpredictability is soooooo scary. Kinda like IF, no? And, of course...questioning your ability to be a good mom based on your experiences growing up is totally normal. I'm so sorry that she's on a downswing right now. :( Hoping that you're able to take care of yourself as much as possible right now. xoxo

RunningMama said...

Welcome back! Sex for fun?! Tequila?! Getting away from it all can definitely help in remembering that there is more to life...unfortunately, life comes back...with all of its problem...that SUCKS. I want a a PERMANENT vacation from life right NOW. I hope this cycle works for you. Remember, they were your best looking embryos to are doing the FET so there will be no premature luteal phase issues. I'm so scared about my upcoming cycle, too. It is so scary to think that THIS IS IT. I don't want to give up...I don't want it to be over...but I don't want to keep doing this.

As for the mom never know how these sort of subconscious issues affect you, but as my doctor said...if stress or thoughts could prevent you from getting pregnant...there would be teenagers all over the world rejoicing.

C said...

So glad you had a great trip!! I am hopeful things calm down on a family front for you so you can get back to concentrating on YOU.

I grew up in a family with a bipolar mom as well, always on her meds BUT the meds not always just right for her. I never thought about it affecting fertility but it actually makes a lot of sense. I do think at the very least it contributed to a lot of depression for me.

((hugs)) hang in there!

Baby Steps said...

Boy did I miss you :) Welcome back! Glad that you were able to rest and relax...and sex for fun? What a concept.

I just wrote such a long comment and it didn't post! I am so upset!!


OK, so basically, I wanted to share that I also grew up in a home filled with uncertainty and that most of that came from my mom. I too have felt that I had to clean up some of this crap with her before I could be a mom. She was just in the hospital this last week for heart failure (makes sense). I flew out to the midwest to be with her and unexpectedly I have been able to work through some of the crap that has keep me from moving forward. I think that if you intuitively think/feel that ther is something "blocking" you from moving forward, I support and invite you to get complete with what that is. Some women are able to pop out kids without a care in the world - surrounded by shit and chaos. Then there are some of us, "the chosen ones" that may have to clean up our shit so that we can move foward... so we can make more shit??

This was sorta the comment I left before the computer ate it... but I think the original one was much better in getting across what I was wanting to say. Crap!

Anyways, I hope that your frosties were waiting until you were nice and relaxed and that their time is NOW!!

Welcome back~

marilyn said...

there is so much for me to reply to. You are not alone with family drama. I have a close family member who has just drained all our emotions for so long. And there was drugs on top of that. it is so emotionally draining to have this in your life. I have really been trying to stay out of the drama during my first IVF cycle. I am sure it must have been so unpredictable as a kid. I hope everything goes okay:( Is she on any new medication?

amiracle4us said...

Sex for fun??? I don't think I even remember what that is!! I hope this vaca gave you and your body the relaxation needed to prepare for your FET and get your baby :) I found the FET much easier as well.

St Elsewhere said...

First of all, welcome back!! I am so happy that you had such a fun time in Mexico.

Also, I am glad you could start on the protocol and yet do all the fun things...

Good Luck to you.

Do you speak to your therapist on this issue?

Sarah S said...

I am so glad you got a chance to get away and reconnect, it is amazing how a little sun, sand and tequila can rejuvenate a relationship!!

During our TTC roller coaster, put DH and I in a foreign country and we would become like rabbits :D lol

Miss Mac said...

Hola! That sounds like an awesome trip that came just in time for you to be relaxed and ready for this FET!

Hope things with your mom improve soon!

Krista said...

Hey Kathleen-SO glad to hear that you had a nice time in Mexico!! I love Mexico too!! You DO realize that we are having our FET's right around the same time don't you?! So very exciting! I LOVE having REAL cycle buddies to go through this with me!! I'll definitely be keeping up with glad you found a nice home where you are free to spill your guts!!!