Monday, April 18, 2011

Fears, Dreams and French Pastries

Last night I slept terribly. Well, I slept most of the first half of the night, but I was tossing and turning, wondering if we were making the right decision or not to transfer these 3 day2 embryos.

I also woke up around 4am from a strange dream. It wasn't all that strange, but there was this feeling in it that I can't quite put my finger on...I dreamed that I was holding a baby...  my baby, I think...on my stomach and it was fast asleep and the baby kept squeezing me, holding on to me tight. It felt great... But then my sister told me that I shouldn't hold her like that, it might cause the baby to lose circulation (where does my mind come UP with this stuff, huh?) And I felt bad, like I was doing something wrong, like I was second guessing my ability to be a mom. (And what does my sister know? None of them are mothers yet either)

I think I still fear that I will be a terrible mother sometimes. But it's interesting because in real life, I feel strong. I feel like I can carry a baby in my body and I can go through the pain of labor and come through a victor. But I worry that I won't be a good caretaker of my baby. Not necessarily as an infant, but as a child, when they start emotionally interacting with me, and as a teen, when they need discipline and love, in a way that helps them learn from their mistakes... I think some of this fear comes from issues I have with my mom and my relationship as I was growing up. During times when her bipolar disease was very active, most of the time I really struggled being around here. I missed having a mom that I thought I should have and wanted one that was different, one that was emulated by my friend's and Tidy's moms. And so I did a lot to not be around her much. And I feel guilty for that. I'll expand more on this later, but its something that I must still carry with me as it surfaces here and there.

Last night I was also worrying about what to do if this fails. I usually have a plan B and this time I certainly don't. We can't decide what our next steps should be. All that I see on the horizon should this fail is a lot more money. Money that we don't have. Money that we'll have to go into debt for. That's now how I want to bring a child into this world! (Although, yes, I know, many children are born to parents who are in debt...) But we have been able, to this point, not go into too much debt with our fertility stuff which I feel very fortunate for.

Here I was, just a few days ago, all nice and calm, and happy with a little surprise that we get to move our FET up a bit instead of being sidelined for a month, and now, the fear has set in. The fear of the 2ww, the fear that we aren't taking the necessary steps to give us the best chance. The fear that we have wasted money on this last cycle without learning anything. If I had to do this all over again, I would have grown all of our embryos out to day 5 and done genetic testing so at least we would have had some knowledge about weather or not our embryos could even make it and give us more information on if we need donor eggs or not.

And now, if this fails, and decide to go move forward to something else, I'm not comfortable going to donor eggs because we STILL don't know if it's my eggs or if it's my uterus.... FUCK... I feel like I wasted a whole crap ton of $$.

So there's a lot of fear with this one my friends and I will try my hardest to let the fear go and hold onto the hope that regardless of what is or isn't wrong with my uterus or my eggs, we still have a chance... We have 4 chances in fact.

And here I type, PUPO  with 3 day2 embryos and potentially a 4th from my ovulated follicle. Transfer was this morning at 10:30 am.  My acupuncturist came with to do a pre and post transfer session and even brought along some pastries from an amazing french baker in town. Yeah, I know... pastries are NOT what the Chinese medical doctor ordered, but at the point of a 4th IVF, 6th transfer, I'm throwing all rules out the window.

Now, let's just hope that I can survive through these next two weeks focusing on that hope and more amazing pastries and not on the fear.

10 comments:

Gurlee said...

Yes, focus on the hope not the fear. The fear won't do you any good anyway, right? I am hopeful for you!! Do whatever you can to take care of yourself right now, pastries sound terrific!

Krista said...

I'm definitely thinking of you and wishing all the best for you. I'm glad you and I will go through the 2ww together...maybe we can attempt to keep each other sane. Congrats a million times over on your transfer. You deserve this and I hope this brings you the BFP!

LC said...

I just came across your blog today and I am really hopeful for you! Good luck!

amiracle4us said...

You can do this!!! I understand the debt thing. We are onto our 2nd and after this, we will have to take out loans to do whatever we will do if this round doesn't work. I HATE thinking that way, but I too like plan B.
I hope you can rest easy knowing it will all be okay. Even if the embabies were taken to day 5, your answers looking to see if it was the eggs or uterus may not be there...what if it is the sperm, or just a case of bad luck. I think this time, one of the four will bring you your BIG FAT SMILE :)in the form of a BFP!!

Rosachka said...

I do hope that you can let your fears go and try to be positive during the 2ww, your embies would appreciate it. I am also hoping that since we had transfer on the same day (and almost at the same time, as mine was delayed to 11 a.m.) we will be pregnant together :) Sending you lots of positive thoughts and light to remove all your fears. Good luck!!!

Mags said...

Easier said than done, I know, but...

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength."

You ARE strong, mama. Will you be a perfect mama? No (thank goodness), but you will be a wonderful and compassionate one. I know sometimes we feel like such fools to hope and be disappointed. But you won't really be less disappointed if you manage stop hoping somehow. So, here is today. You are PUPO :) And each moment will unfold ahead, whether easy or difficult, and you will someday hold a child that you would not go back and trade for everything you've been through. You will believe THAT child will have been worth it. I wish I could make it come this instant to that moment! For now, I just HOPE.

Kate said...

I just had my transfer yesterday so I'm in the 2WW with you too! But my doc wants me to wait 20 days! so it's more like a 3WW. Stay strong, stay calm. We will all be ok.

Kerrik said...

I hope these strange dreams and anxious nights are a sign that those embies are snuggling in and prepping you for the odyssey of pregnancy dreams.

You are so strong to have gone through so much and still be standing and pushing for your dreams, and I hope this transfer brings you your long sought after, and more than well deserved BFP!

Kate said...

Hi it's me again! I just wanted to let you know that I have started a blog too! I hope you and your readers stop by!

http://infertileinafertileland.blogspot.com/

abcgirl said...

wait, wait, wait. there's an amazing french baker in town?