Thursday, April 21, 2011

Dirty Slate

My clean slate I wrote about a few days ago got dirty today.

I'm angry and worried. I know what I wrote about worrying and I will try not to worry, but I think today my hope is just low. I was driving to work and instead of listening to my usual NPR Morning Edition, I turned on some more angry tunes that I have in my collection and just belted it out... I'm angry at myself today for believing that this could work. Why should I believe that? It hasn't yet. So why should it now?

I see this though a lot in many repeat IVF-ers in the infertility world: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

I'm insane.

(Welcome back emotional roller coaster of the 2ww... I loathe you :-) )

19 comments:

Gurlee said...

I hate that quote. I tell myself that each time is a bit different so Einstien (right)? can go fuck himself. Not to give you false hope but it *can* work. It is tough. Hang in there.

Angela and David said...

This is my first 2ww. I feel insane so I can't imagine what you are going through given you've been down this road before. I hope the week moves quickly for you.

Kate said...

I was actually relieved when you called it a roller coaster. That tells me that maybe I won't want to scream and crawl out of my skin the WHOLE two weeks. There will be respite, right? There will be moments of hope and positivity, right?

God I PIO shots!

Maria said...

Ah, yes....the valley of the roller coaster (a peak is on its way!). I LOVE that you belted out some angry tunes, my friend.....excellent coping skill. I'm with Gurlee....this *can* work. It's scarier to think that it can, because the potential let-down is so painful, I know. Breathe....breathe...breathe...

Baby Hopes said...

Thinking of you... this ride is beyond words so very often... all I can say is that we're here for you, so let it out... we're listening.

LC said...

:( I'm sorry dear. Yes, lean on us all. We're here!

Freyamae said...

As always, rooting for you guys! I know its nuts and makes you crazy. Gonna be hopping on that train again myself real soon... Oy! I know you have alot of people thinking good thoughts for you... thats gotta count for something in the Karma dept!

Wannabemom said...

I don't think Einstein was thinking of fertility with that quote. ;)

Every attempt is a crap shoot, and we have no choice but to hope for a different outcome from the last. If we stop having hope, then we're done.

Here's hoping for lucky #6 and that your sanity remains mostly intact! :)

amiracle4us said...

Then we will be insane together!!!

These down moments in the midst of good ones are normal and expected. Look at all you have been through. If you really were able to stay 100% for the 2ww I would be shocked and have to biopsy your brain to determine how you did that.

I am rooting for you and will stay positive for you while you are not :) xo

LJMK said...

Tippy, love, hang in there, and let it all out. I've still got your hope right here, and let me tell you it is singing in my heart. SINGING!!!

Cyndi said...

Tippy - hello from ICLW #91. Emotional roller coaster. Your entry today sounds similar to the one I did today. It was just one of those days where I've had it and I know I'm just in the beginning stages.

I look forward to catching up on some of your past entries.

cgd said...

ditto, 2ww sucks. Thinking of you sweetie.

RunningMama said...

Sorry for my lack of posting! I have been thinking about you. I can't get on blogs at work anymore and have houseguests for the next two weeks.

There is CAUSE to think this cycle will work. It was your best cycle yet, you won't have to deal with the premature lutueal phase issue, and they were GOOD embyros!!!

Sorry to blow sunshine up your bum, but it ain't over yet.

marriage20 said...

I haven't been through IVF, but I can relate! This whole process is so frustrating, and sometimes it makes me so angry! Hang in there. I'm sorry you're feeling crummy, and I hope you have an upswing (and some good news!) soon.

ICLW #11

C said...

Hang in there. 2WW sucks alright. and what a rollercoaster it is! Hope your heart's desire is fulfilled this time. You deserve it!

ICLW!

Ducky said...

I effing hate the 2ww. I can so relate to your feelings. We're insane because we have hope. Even when we feel stupid for it, we continue to have hope that maybe one day, one will go right for us.

marilyn said...

oh that crazy roller coaster. It sure is exhausting isn't it:( I am sorry it has been a down day. I am in search of a poem about all of this. I so wish I could write a poem about this challenge of IVf. You have every right to feel frustrated..angry..sad. This is no walk in the park. This is my first cycle..and it has been really hard.

marilyn said...

oh I forgot..I gave you an award..:)
I appreciate your blog so much.

Infertile Farmer said...

Hope you are feeling better since this post. I know the 2ww is killer in terms of trying to keep your chin up. I thought about that very insanity definition way too many times myself. The way I always rationalized it to myself was more like Vegas....at some point you have lost so many times that odds HAVE to be in your favor! It is surely your time!!! sending huge hugs and tons of luck!! Hang in there girlie!