Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Clean Slate

Its funny.

This is my 6th transfer... yup....6th.

I have a lot of pain and sadness and anger from the fact that were are in a place that I never though we'd get to.

But there's also a part of me that can easily let go of those memories and wipe the slate clean. Its strange. While I don't have the same giddy, naive certainty that this is going to work, no problem, like I did when I went through my first IVF about 2 years ago, I still feel hope. I still feel like this really COULD work. I'm not sure how likely it is, but the fact that it COULD work gives me enough to focus on these next two weeks.

Its a strange calmness that I feel.

This calmness is new. I'm not sure if it's coming from the experience of going through this struggle and knowing that freaking out during the 2ww doesn't help any, or if its an inner calmness coming from something else.. some deeper wisdom... or the fact that most of the people I know in real life, save for a few friends, don't know about this at all.

Here's a quote a wonderful and dear friend of mine shared with me (Thanks Mags):

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength".

As always, I like to remind myself in the 2ww that no matter what, Tidy and I are strong and have survived through to this point. And we will survive through this cycle as well.


Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

Happy TWW! Calm is good!

amiracle4us said...

I LOVE this calmness :) Take hold of it and hang on tight. I hope it is a sign of good things too come!!

Krissi said...

I love that you are hopeful that it could work...keep that hope strong! Good luck with this IVF! Maybe this one will be it! Happy ICLW (a bit early)! I just added your link!

Rosachka said...

Tippy, this is such a beautiful quote, love it, and have to keep it in mind for myself :) Although, I am also calm this time around. Good luck!!!

LC said...

Thanks for sharing the beautiful quote. GL to you!

marilyn said...

oh..that is great that you feel calm. Calm is a great emotion...especially during the 2ww.

Infertile Farmer said...

I am just getting caught up and WOW! have you had a wild ride. Infertility never ceases to amaze me! I am so glad you are feeling calm and at peace. I know you will probably go back to freaking out at some point during this 2ww, so don't beat yourself up if you do. It's so hard to avoid it. Just so glad you feel good now. Sending you SOOOOO much luck. I have every finger and toe crossed for you!!

cgd said...

I understand all too well. I think there is always a hopeful part of us in any cycle (no matter how small) otherwise why would we even bother. I know I feel beat up for all of these accumulating cycles but we do find a way to keep going, some how.
I am wishing you so much luck!!! Here to hold your hang in the 2ww!!!

Esperanza said...

Wow, I adore that quote. I'm a big worrier and I kind of collect great posts about worry. This is one of the better ones. I think I shall make a poster of it and put it on my wall.

Thanks for this!