Wednesday, April 27, 2011

More Moments in the 2ww

Here are a few random snippets from a desperate mind during it's 2ww:

  • 9dpo - I've been dizzy for the past few days. THIS WORKED! OUR NIGHTMARE IS OVER. CELEBRATE!
  • 10dpo - Dizziness is a bit less. OK, WELL, SYMPTOMS COME AND GO. OUR NIGHTMARE IS STILL  OVER (MAYBE)
  • 11dpo - Nothing.. Back to normal. Crying on my way to work, again. EPIC FAIL. MY BODY IS A FAILURE. I WILL NEVER BE PREGNANT. WE SHOULD JUST SELL OUR HOUSE, QUIT OUR JOBS AND MOVE TO A NEW COUNTRY AND LIVE ON THE BEACH

Seriously. These last two days have been awful. I'm panicky, I can't focus on anything else other than just knowing what the result will be and moving on. Today, I feel like this has failed. Please spare me comments about how not everyone feels symptoms before they test positive. I don't buy it. I know how  my body reacts when I have a trigger shot in it (HCG). I know my body too well. It's doing all those wonderful things it does about 5 or so days before I usually get  my period: Skin break out, a bit more oily skin, boobs are getting a bit smaller...

I know a few days ago I said I had some calmness in me about this, but not now. I'm a mess.

I was talking with a fellow IVF vet the other day and we agreed, this is pretty much how the 2ww goes. We can break the emotional roller coaster up into about 4 segments:
  1. Calm, peaceful hope
  2. Despair, no way this worked
  3. As beta gets closer, just a few days before, DELUSIONAL HOPE sets in! YES! It worked!
  4. Failed cycle, earth shattering sadness, have to figure out how to pick up pieces.... again. Is this really my life?
I think I'm in the #2 right now. Despair, no way this worked... but I don't foresee #3 being on my radar... not after how I'm feeling today. I've done this too many times. So #4, here we come...

11 comments:

LisaB said...

Aww it's so hard hun. Keep hanging in there!! I know I cried and cried for 2 days straight thinking it didn't work before I got my BFP on my IVF cycle. Thinking positive sticky thoughts for you!! HUGS!!

St Elsewhere said...

I know that 2ww is a slice of evil.

Hang in there. The outcome remains in the close future.

Good Luck.

Gurlee said...

For me to comment on your posts I often end up writing something out, hit publish and have a second empty comment sectio pop up, it makes me crazy! Now I know your blogs tricks & I won't be fooled into double posting!

Hang in there, this part is the worst. And I don't want you to anger but for me, there were next no to no symptoms & I swore my boobs shrunk. I had a hysterical freak out & then, well you know the rest.

Sending you good thoughts! Xoxo

jill's infertility document said...

I know there is nothing I can say to make this time any easier, just know that we are cheering for you with quiet hope and many thoughts. Whichever segment of the roller coaster you move to next, we will be here with our support. Whatever the result of this cycle turns out to be, we will be here waiting.

Krista said...

I'm right there beside you, Tippy... #2. Let's hope we get to #3 and have a reason to STAY there!!!

marilyn said...

no words..just thinking about you:)

cgd said...

I am laughing b/c you 2ww break down is dead on. I do the same exact thing. there is just no easy way through it. I am thinking about you lots and hoping so much (even though I hate to say that and kind of hate when people say that stuff to me). Here to hold your hand through it.
P.S. I cannot thank you enough for your kindness and support, it means so much to me esp b/c I know have been through so much (like me). Sending lots of love to you

Chelle said...

For me the hardest thing about the whole TTC process is how quickly we can go from being zen to freaking out. One minute we just don't care, and the next its the end of the world and we feel like we haven't done enough. Why can't there be a middle ground where we stay all of the time? Why do our emotions have to be so up and down all of the time?

All I will say while you are in the TWW is I am praying for you. I am hoping for you. Sometimes it is good to know that others are doing the praying and hoping for us when we just don't have it in us to do it for ourselves. "Let them pray for me. I am done and I don't care." So I pray and hope for you.

*hugs*

amiracle4us said...

There is nothing worse than the 2ww after an IVF cycle. I hate that you are going through this; again! I hope in the next few days you are overwhelmed with real pregnancy symptoms followed by a BFP :)
I agree with the 'feeling profile' as well as moving to a beach whether it works or doesn't!!

Cherm29 said...

Get it all out honey!!! Cry, scream, vent! It's so cathartic and good for the soul. The only other thing that keeps running through my head for you is: don't. give. up.
xo

Infertile Farmer said...

I'm so sorry. I wish your calm had lasted a bit longer, but unfortunately this is just part of the process. Wishing these next several days go quickly because truly the symptoms or lack thereof can be completely misleading (as they were for me and many others who commented). So, try your best to block out the crazy thoughts! hang in there, hon. Cheering for you like crazy!!