Sunday, July 31, 2011

Wanting

We went to a festival last night of folk music. It was a perfect warm summer night in the Midwest including the bluegrass and yummy beer.

It was great to get out of the house with Tidy and just be together, relaxed, pretty much in the moment. I'm a bit of a people watcher, so I could sit there for hours, tapping my foot and soaking it all in, but Tidy gets a bit restless. We did see about 4 bands/artists play and sat there for 4 hours before he got a bit restless. But when he suggested we go get some ice cream on our way home, I agreed that it was time to leave.

The night was almost perfect, except that many people were there with their kids. And while it didn't really bother me that other people had kids, it just hit me pretty hard, how much I want a fucking baby!!!!!!!!!

I WANT A BABY! AND I WANT ONE NOW!!!!

I want to bring my child to the park and dance with it in my arms on a summer night. I want to change my baby's diaper and feed it and cuddle it. I want to chase it around the festival and watch him/her interact with other children. I want it to fall asleep on the blanket worn out from the day's events and I want to carry my baby home at the end of the night, snoring in my arms, knowing that we all had a fantastic day.

Seriously. This has gone on way long enough. I wrote over a year and a half ago now, a similar post on my prior blog. I can't believe how long we have actually been doing this for, how many months of wanting, how many dollars of money, how many tears, how many needles, procedures, tests, Dr visits... It's all just a bit too much for me to handle right now. Each day, I try so hard to stay in the present moment and just enjoy what we do have, but at some point, the enormity of this journey creeps in and I just realize that I am at a breaking point! I WANT THIS TO BE OVER WITH!!! I WANT TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE!!!!! ... But only once I have a baby.

How much longer can this go on?

9 comments:

cgd said...

I feel this exact same way, its like you are reading my mind. You are certainly at the breaking point and I really hope that the end is in sight (it has to be right???)
thinking of you and I am so sorry that even the good stuff gets colored by IF.

LC said...

I, too, know this feeling all too well. IF has tainted every part of my life and giving up would only make it worse for me. I don't have any choice than to keep going, one foot in front of the other. BUT WOW, do I feel you on this post. So many of my experiences would be so much better with a child.

Baby Steps said...

Aaaaah! I know.... it's really hard to just "forget about TTC" when it's screaming at you everywhere you turn. I am so sorry that you have to go through this at all and I wish that you can be out of this madness sooner than later.

Thinking about you and know that you are not alone...ever!

Maria said...

Oh girl do I EVER hear you. Your "I WANT ONE NOW" sentence reminds me of Violet Beauregard...can't we just tell our daddies we want one and have him go to the ends of the earth to get that for us???? Fuck. I don't even want to look back at my timeline....it's ridiculous how long it is. Thinking of you, my friend.

Gurlee said...

I know exactly how you feel! I am so ready for this prolonged process to be over. I am glad you are doing your best to enjoy your child-free life. My hope, that is will change very soon.

marilyn said...

I am glad you had a good time..and I am never one to pass up on Ice Cream. I hope you get to hold you baby in your arms soon. You so deserve to have this opportunity. I am so sorry...you have to be int he position you are in..and your husband as well. It makes me so very very angry..especially when I see people who do not plan..and take advantage of their position to just have kids and so many just do no realize how good they have it!

glimpseinsidemyjourney said...

I know how you feel. I feel like IF has hijacked my life too.

I hate going to festivals, etc and watching all the happiness. I feel like an outsider looking in. And wondering if I'll ever get my chance to be part of the "club".

I'm so sincerely hoping that your journey (with Dotty's help) is almost at the good part... you know, where your dream comes true.

amiracle4us said...

I'm always scared to ask that question out load, bc whenever I do, the waiting keeps happening :(

I can understand wehre you are coming from. We went to an outdoor concert a few weeks back and the same thoughts went through my head. I hope next summer we are each sitting with at an outdoor concert with a baby of our own :)

RunningMama said...

The wanting is horrible and after your long wait, the tears, the struggle..it's awful. I hope that your journey is over soon. I hope that this time next year, you will have your baby in your arms and that baby will help protect you from the wanting.