Work Shmerk

I've survived 2 weeks of being a working mother with 3 month olds. It sucks.

Honestly, it really does.

I know people say it gets easier, and yes, the waking up and the routine does. But I don't like it one bit. I miss them so much throughout the day and want so badly to be there for them. I'm so grateful that they are with Tidy. It's the second best thing to me. But it hurts when they are not with me.

Is this unhealthy? I don't think so. I think it's just the honest emotion of this. I never really thought that I could be a full time stay at home mom. And I'm not sure that in the long run I could. But I do know that  if I had the choice, I would not be working right now. They are too young. And I feel like I am missing so much. I think I should have moved over seas...

Here's a few pics for now to tide you over until I get some time to actually write a meaningful post.

M&M w/ her Grandpa giving the all knowing look of "Yeah, I got him wrapped around my finger"

The Bean being a "fussy guss" in his fathers chest. The cry he has makes my heart melt. I want to fix them... every time.

3 month mug shot

Back to the Grind

12 weeks seems like a long time in the beginning. When you think about all that has happened in those 12 weeks, it seems like we have lived an eternity.... Water breaking, babies being born, extended stay in the hospital, finally a homecoming, adapting to sleepless nights, adapting to breast feeding, adapting to cluster feeding and excessive crying, adapting to tandem feeding, adapting to being together 24 hours a day and making that work for almost 3 months solid, adapting a dog to babies, figuring out how to eat, sleep, brush your own teeth and take a shower in those early days, handling tons and tons of visitors, and mostly falling deeply and madly in love, like no other love I've ever experienced, with these two beings.

This past Tuesday was my first day back at work. I cried the night before thinking about not being with my babies constantly as I had been these last 12 weeks, thinking about not being able to help them whey they cry, worrying that they will forget me, and forget my smell and my hugs, my rocking...

But then I drove to work yesterday and thought about all of the drives I have done to work not having these babies, crying in my car over another failed cycle and another pregnancy announcement. I have my dream babies now, two in fact, and we are happy and healthy. I don't have to cry anymore. So I decided then and there that I would "own" this working mom thing. I would be the best provider for my family, in the monetary sense, that I could be and set an great example for my son and daughter (MY SON AND DAUGHTER!!!.. wow, is that amazing to see in print). I would put on my happy face and do my best to treasure the moments that I do have with them on a work day... the early morning feedings, the baths and bed time cuddles. I will make those moments my favorite moments and be present, wholly.

And that attitude worked for the first day. But then today, when I started to leave for work again, I got very sad. I think the inevitability, the permanence of not being with them every day set in.

In time this will get easier. But right now, I would give anything to be able to stay at home with them....

Dear Babies,

Mamma loves you so much. I don't even know how to describe it. I said I would never say this as a parent, but if you are parents some day, you will understand this love. I have just spent almost every waking moment of your last 12 weeks with you... feeding you, nurturing you, loving you, playing with you, changing your diapers, giving you baths, watching your first smile, watching you change from an infant to a baby, seeing some recognition in your face that you know me, and smile at ME... and it's honestly been the best 12 weeks of my life. Tidy and I are so in love with you and ever thankful that we were able to all be together as family for these first 12 weeks.

It's now time for me to go back to work and I do so with a heavy heart. I know that in the long run, you will hopefully think nothing of it. I'm sure you won't remember these days where I used to be there all of the time and now I am only there for a few hours at each end... As they say, it's harder on me than it is on you, but what I do hope is that as a working mom, I can set a great example for you of a balanced life, of one where you feel loved and supported by Tidy and me and of a great partnership in Tidy and me as we work in new roles to help raise you the best we can...

I will always treasure these first 12 weeks of your lives as one of the most simple and centered of my life. I love you with all of my heart and soul and still sometimes pinch myself that you are really finally here.

Love, Mamma... (aka Tippy)

M&M last week:

The Bean Burrito last weekend:

10 weeks

Weeks, days, hours, are flying by. Each day seems to go so fast, but when I look back on the day and the weeks, months, so much has seemed to happen. Kids change your perspective on time, huh?

The past few days have been up and down with my sweet little M&M. She has some fussy ones and then ones when she could sleep all day. I think there is so much going on in their little brains and they are changing at such a rapid pace that some days they just need to sleep and other days they need to fuss. We've started some reflux meds for her and also probiotics. Hopefully that and time will help her with her pain and sadness. We have had more happier moments lately and that has been nice. One interesting thing that she has started is a pout when she gets sad or is in pain and it just melts my heart. She's becoming so much more expressive and it makes me proud.

The Bean Burrito has been his ever steady mellow sweetie... I could snuggle with him all day. He's also very expressive and seems to look at me with adoring eyes, melting my heart yet again.

Tonight, as Tidy made dinner for my mom and me, I put Bean & M in their two rock-n-play thingies and sang to them. They were both looking at me and smiling and responding with coos and various other expressions that I felt like it was the first time we were all communicating together... The warmth I felt as my family spent time together in my favorite room, the kitchen, fulfilled a long sought after dream. Hopefully a lifetime of family dinners sits before us.

These kids do something new each day that help me get over the interrupted sleep, fussy crying and being pooped and puked on...way over. They bring me so much joy, it's unexplainable.

Colic is the Devil

My sweet little M&M has developed colic over the past few weeks. I'd say it truly started around week 7. She's just over 9 weeks today. And this, my friends, is no "gassy" stomach...

What we are dealing with here is 3+ hours of on and off crying in the evening, most days of the week. Additionally, it has started to creep into our morning and afternoon as well. We have tried everything: probiotics, gripe water, the "5 S's" from the Happiest Baby on the Block book, wearing her, keeping her at the breast. We've even started reflux meds in hopes that this might be some of the cause.

But deep down inside, I do believe that this really has not much to do with reflux or the gas we hear coming from her from time to time... I think it's just her sweet little body is not quite ready to handle all the stimulation that she is so very interested in in this new world, and we just have to ride the wave and hope she grows out of it soon.

Tidy is in our "dark room" right now rocking her with white noise by her ear. (It's our office, that we've moved the baby swings into. It has the only light blocking shades in the house, so we use it as a place to help them nap... thus the "dark room"). He's better at consoling her than I am (Which also breaks my heart, on top of the already breaking heart from all of the crying. I think he has to really tune into her and figure out what she needs, where as I just use the breast... it's a magic weapon, sometimes.

But colic not only is sad for the baby, it is breaking our hearts, making our nerves frazzled, having us take precious time away from the Bean Burrito somewhat, or at least not be able to give him as much attention since M&M needs so much right now. I hope he will forgive me. He's such a sweet soul.. so happy and calm. I guess I'm quite thankful they are both not suffering from this.  She's such a sweet little soul too. She's got the most precious smile and she can break your heart in an instant. But the crying... the blood curdling crying...

Our nights are robbed of time together too. We go back and forth from helping to soothe her, communicating via text messages across the house. "I need a break"... "Can you bring me some water?"... "Will you make dinner?"

When will this end? 2ish weeks has seemed like an eternity. Yet another time that I want to scream at the "fair" keepers in the world (which I know don't exist). I want to say to them, "Why the fuck did this happen too? 5 years to get these babies, C-section infection and now a colic-y baby? Why can't we just enjoy this and have things go smoothly for once". Yes, I say that in my head a few times over and let it out. But I know we will get through this and I know that I am still blessed to have these beautiful lives in ours.

I'd better go relieve Tidy. He's been a trooper tonight, consoling not only M&M, but also me, the wife who is struggling not to cry right along with her.

Sigh.

A little reassurance goes a long way

I can't believe that 8 weeks has gone by since my water broke. It has seemed like ages and also like just a blink of the eye. So much has seemed to happen in such a short amount of time.

We went on our first weekend getaway and road trip.
(They did amazing!! Slept in their car seats both nights, but traveled well)

M&M at the resort

We took our first hike.
(We wore them in the Mo.by wraps and hiked up to a bluff to look over the river nearby. It was sunny and breezy and they got a lot of fresh air... tired them out, I think)

The Bean Burrito, Pog and Tidy on our hike

We went to our first farmers market.
(Momma got a big big cup of iced coffee and a pain au chocolat at the bakery... yum!)

My coffee, oh and the twins at the market

We've had our first purposeful smiles that I can now get to happen on a fairly regular basis.

We are also experiencing our first bout of fussiness, or excessive crying, which some might term "colic".

The other night, as I lie asleep and Tidy took the early "night shift" on the couch with the babies in swings (did I mention that we are creating monsters and letting them sleep in their swings at night right now? It's the only way we are getting sleep..), he wrote me this:

Tip, 
Just sitting here looking through your blog, the words, the pictures and at the babies swinging across from me. I hope you realize what a wonderful job you have done. Our journey had the potential, at many stops, to crush our will to continue. But here we are... parents to two amazing lives. Do not doubt yourself for a single minute. You are amazing. We will thrive in this journey together.

I love you, 
Idy

(Yes, we have shortened versions of Tippy and Tidy...)

I needed to hear that. This parenting thing is hard! Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough and I worry they are not getting the proper amount of stimulation, or attention, since I have to divide it between two. Do they feel loved? Do they feel comforted? Especially lately, with M&M, who is developing "colic"... I hate to see her cry and not be able to stop it immediately and consistently. Poor M&M!! (We are going to the Dr today to see if maybe it's reflux or gas or... or just fussiness that we hope she will grow out of soon).

I also worry about going back to work in just 4 short weeks. Are they going to miss me? Will they know how very much I love them? I'm going to miss so many firsts that Tidy will see (Yes, I am a slight bit jealous... ok... a lot).

In the end, I know we are doing a good job... hopefully a great job. It's just all so new that some days a little reassurance goes quite a long way. Maybe one day, a long time from now, I will hear from each of them individually, that I did a 'bang up job' as a mamma...

That will be a fine day.

Dear Babies,

I love watching you wake up... I love the stretches, the back arches, the lip smacks, the feet curls and the arm raises. All of it is so human and I can't believe is coming from a 7 week old infant.

I love seeing you look at the world with wonder...I love how your eyes peer out at our yard, see the sharp contrast of our big trees on the blue sky and how you turn your head when you hear the birds sing.

I love watching you feed... I love that I am the sole provider of this nourishment to you. It amazes me that my body can sustain you.

I love seeing you smile...I love that sometimes those smiles are, I think, actually intended for me.

I love hearing you use your voice... I love your grunts, your coos, your gurgles and your cries. Sometime I think I understand what you are trying to tell me.

I even love your poopy diapers, your middle of the night cries and feedings, your milky spit-ups and your fussy moments where I can't get you to be happy.

Love, Mom

The Intensity of this Love

Almost 6 weeks old... almost half of my maternity leave over.

I need to learn to from myself and focus on these little babies and each day I have with them instead of the dwindling number of days left before I have to go back to the corporate machine.

As I write this, they are both sitting nearby in their respective 'rock n play's sleeping after their morning feed, cooing and grunting away. They continue to break my heart when I look at them and hold them. Last night, at about 10:30, during a particularly long nursing session (read: CLUSTER FEED!!!) I was looking at M&M and literally saw her life flash before my eyes... walking & talking, sending her of to school, dropping her of at college, watching Tidy walk her down the isle at her wedding...

Yes, I know, I'm getting WAY ahead of myself (AND I'm imagining a traditional life, which she may or may not have... but you get my point). Every time I hold them and look at them and hear them coo and see them change just a bit, while I want things to get a bit easier on the sleep front, I don't want them grow.

It's a weird position a parent is in with a newborn. They are 100% completely dependent on you..for everything. And somehow, even though they can not speak, you figure out how to respond to their crying and you give them love

What they give you back isn't a lot since at this point they still just think of me as that place the go to get that stuff that goes in their mouth that tastes good and stops them from crying... and oh maybe a warm chest to rest on too. But their coos and their warmth and their growing recognition of your face and of your presence and the little smiles that you think just MIGHT be in response to seeing you are more than enough to melt your heart to butter and make you miss them even when you put them down to go to the bathroom.

This love is intense.

----------

A few little tidbits that I want to remember:

The Bean Burrito is getting so big! We don't know their weights and won't until they go back to the Pediatrician for their 2 month check, but he looks so much more filled out and has the pudgiest little cheeks. He's awake more and more during the day and has a voracious appetite. He's a good eater but hasn't had much more than a 3 hour stretch of sleep yet.

M&M is also growing but her face is changing in a different way. She had very full cheeks when born, but her head seems to be elongating a bit and so it appears her face is thinning out. She is also growing like a weed, but I suspect that the Bean Burrito will out weigh her at their 2 month check up even though she was bigger at birth. She is also much more aware and looks around her environment at ton. She's particularly fond of the light colored wall hanging we have on a dark wall in our living room.

(And we are seriously using this room literally as a living room right now. We spend 99% of our day here, with one of us sleeping on the couch most nights since they are sleeping in their rock n plays instead of their minicrib... we'll get there... ) She is also smiling a bit and it seems that it is in response to our faces smiling back at her. I think she smiled at Tidy this morning with a purpose 3 times. She is sleeping a bit longer at night and 2 nights ago slept almost 5 hours straight! It was AMAZING!!!

They both must be going through growth spurts as they are cluster feeding like champs. Last night it was me, my double breast feeding pillow (which is a lifesaver by the way), my iphone, my water bottle and a very attentive husband from about 6pm to 10pm as they nursed, and nursed and nursed. This has been going on and off for about a week now. I get a bit anxious about being tied to my couch, but then I remind myself that I want to exclusively breast feed my babies as long as I can and I know that I will miss this closeness when it is gone, and relax.

Finally, Tidy is amazing. We get snippy at each other from time to time and I think I am doing a pretty good job of not micromanaging him, but there are moments when I tell him to "do this" or "don't do that." He hates to be told what to do, so we usually have some sharp words here and there. But overall, we are working very well together as a team and he is such an amazing dad. I am grateful for his partnership in this.