Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Intensity of this Love

Almost 6 weeks old... almost half of my maternity leave over.

I need to learn to from myself and focus on these little babies and each day I have with them instead of the dwindling number of days left before I have to go back to the corporate machine.

As I write this, they are both sitting nearby in their respective 'rock n play's sleeping after their morning feed, cooing and grunting away. They continue to break my heart when I look at them and hold them. Last night, at about 10:30, during a particularly long nursing session (read: CLUSTER FEED!!!) I was looking at M&M and literally saw her life flash before my eyes... walking & talking, sending her of to school, dropping her of at college, watching Tidy walk her down the isle at her wedding...

Yes, I know, I'm getting WAY ahead of myself (AND I'm imagining a traditional life, which she may or may not have... but you get my point). Every time I hold them and look at them and hear them coo and see them change just a bit, while I want things to get a bit easier on the sleep front, I don't want them grow.

It's a weird position a parent is in with a newborn. They are 100% completely dependent on you..for everything. And somehow, even though they can not speak, you figure out how to respond to their crying and you give them love

What they give you back isn't a lot since at this point they still just think of me as that place the go to get that stuff that goes in their mouth that tastes good and stops them from crying... and oh maybe a warm chest to rest on too. But their coos and their warmth and their growing recognition of your face and of your presence and the little smiles that you think just MIGHT be in response to seeing you are more than enough to melt your heart to butter and make you miss them even when you put them down to go to the bathroom.

This love is intense.


A few little tidbits that I want to remember:

The Bean Burrito is getting so big! We don't know their weights and won't until they go back to the Pediatrician for their 2 month check, but he looks so much more filled out and has the pudgiest little cheeks. He's awake more and more during the day and has a voracious appetite. He's a good eater but hasn't had much more than a 3 hour stretch of sleep yet.

M&M is also growing but her face is changing in a different way. She had very full cheeks when born, but her head seems to be elongating a bit and so it appears her face is thinning out. She is also growing like a weed, but I suspect that the Bean Burrito will out weigh her at their 2 month check up even though she was bigger at birth. She is also much more aware and looks around her environment at ton. She's particularly fond of the light colored wall hanging we have on a dark wall in our living room.

(And we are seriously using this room literally as a living room right now. We spend 99% of our day here, with one of us sleeping on the couch most nights since they are sleeping in their rock n plays instead of their minicrib... we'll get there... ) She is also smiling a bit and it seems that it is in response to our faces smiling back at her. I think she smiled at Tidy this morning with a purpose 3 times. She is sleeping a bit longer at night and 2 nights ago slept almost 5 hours straight! It was AMAZING!!!

They both must be going through growth spurts as they are cluster feeding like champs. Last night it was me, my double breast feeding pillow (which is a lifesaver by the way), my iphone, my water bottle and a very attentive husband from about 6pm to 10pm as they nursed, and nursed and nursed. This has been going on and off for about a week now. I get a bit anxious about being tied to my couch, but then I remind myself that I want to exclusively breast feed my babies as long as I can and I know that I will miss this closeness when it is gone, and relax.

Finally, Tidy is amazing. We get snippy at each other from time to time and I think I am doing a pretty good job of not micromanaging him, but there are moments when I tell him to "do this" or "don't do that." He hates to be told what to do, so we usually have some sharp words here and there. But overall, we are working very well together as a team and he is such an amazing dad. I am grateful for his partnership in this.


KC said...

So glad you are enjoying them. It is just such a gift and goes by way too fast. I too think of my boys and their futures (it scares the crap out of me). I just have to remind myself to enjoy every second and to take it all in. Last night I did a super extended bath time because the boys love it and I figure, what's the rush.

Gurlee said...

So impressive, breastfeeding two! Way to go.

Now for the do as I say not as I do portion of my comment, don't think too much about going back to work, enjoy every moment!

Ted and Maria said...

Ah yes...the snippiness. I had to also let go of things being done "my way." O seems to respond well to each of the ways we do things. Dammit. I want it MY way! LOL!