Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Back to the Grind

12 weeks seems like a long time in the beginning. When you think about all that has happened in those 12 weeks, it seems like we have lived an eternity.... Water breaking, babies being born, extended stay in the hospital, finally a homecoming, adapting to sleepless nights, adapting to breast feeding, adapting to cluster feeding and excessive crying, adapting to tandem feeding, adapting to being together 24 hours a day and making that work for almost 3 months solid, adapting a dog to babies, figuring out how to eat, sleep, brush your own teeth and take a shower in those early days, handling tons and tons of visitors, and mostly falling deeply and madly in love, like no other love I've ever experienced, with these two beings.

This past Tuesday was my first day back at work. I cried the night before thinking about not being with my babies constantly as I had been these last 12 weeks, thinking about not being able to help them whey they cry, worrying that they will forget me, and forget my smell and my hugs, my rocking...

But then I drove to work yesterday and thought about all of the drives I have done to work not having these babies, crying in my car over another failed cycle and another pregnancy announcement. I have my dream babies now, two in fact, and we are happy and healthy. I don't have to cry anymore. So I decided then and there that I would "own" this working mom thing. I would be the best provider for my family, in the monetary sense, that I could be and set an great example for my son and daughter (MY SON AND DAUGHTER!!!.. wow, is that amazing to see in print). I would put on my happy face and do my best to treasure the moments that I do have with them on a work day... the early morning feedings, the baths and bed time cuddles. I will make those moments my favorite moments and be present, wholly.

And that attitude worked for the first day. But then today, when I started to leave for work again, I got very sad. I think the inevitability, the permanence of not being with them every day set in.

In time this will get easier. But right now, I would give anything to be able to stay at home with them....

Dear Babies,

Mamma loves you so much. I don't even know how to describe it. I said I would never say this as a parent, but if you are parents some day, you will understand this love. I have just spent almost every waking moment of your last 12 weeks with you... feeding you, nurturing you, loving you, playing with you, changing your diapers, giving you baths, watching your first smile, watching you change from an infant to a baby, seeing some recognition in your face that you know me, and smile at ME... and it's honestly been the best 12 weeks of my life. Tidy and I are so in love with you and ever thankful that we were able to all be together as family for these first 12 weeks.

It's now time for me to go back to work and I do so with a heavy heart. I know that in the long run, you will hopefully think nothing of it. I'm sure you won't remember these days where I used to be there all of the time and now I am only there for a few hours at each end... As they say, it's harder on me than it is on you, but what I do hope is that as a working mom, I can set a great example for you of a balanced life, of one where you feel loved and supported by Tidy and me and of a great partnership in Tidy and me as we work in new roles to help raise you the best we can...

I will always treasure these first 12 weeks of your lives as one of the most simple and centered of my life. I love you with all of my heart and soul and still sometimes pinch myself that you are really finally here.

Love, Mamma... (aka Tippy)

M&M last week:

The Bean Burrito last weekend:


KC said...

What an emotional two days! It must be a difficult transition, one that I am also not looking forward to. I like your attitude of enjoying everything wholeheartedly. My hubby went back to work after 7 weeks and I know he misses them but he is so hands on when he is home that their connection has not suffered. They love their daddy and recognize him in an instant. I believe that work is such an important part of who I am and I look forward to returning at some point, not to minimize what you are going through.
Now let me gush about those muffins. Seriously they are ridiculously cute. I love the blue steel look bean burrito is giving and M&M's hair.

Kate said...

I think about this all the time. I think about how difficult it will be when I have to go back to work 12 weeks after my babies are born. Because the thing is that you're not just bonding with them constantly their first 12 weeks, it's begins with that first positive pregnancy test. It's going to be a really difficult transition especially right after you feel that you've got the whole thing under control. Gah!

The other big wondering is how do you keep breast feeding? I am watching my bestie deal with this and she only has one baby. Is it even possible to pump enough for two? If you have any words of wisdom on this one i'd love to hear them.

ps. your kids are such adorable little peanuts!

RunningMama said...

Being a working mom is rough stuff. It seems wholly unnatural to be away from your babes...but someday...a few years from now..when your babies are resilient and excited to go to school, you will realize that by made them adapt and adjust...a skill that will help them throughout their life. As my MIL always told me, "just because you stay home doesn't make you a good mom and just because you go to work doesn't make you a bad mom."

DR said...

oh my goodness, they are both so precious! it is hard, good for you...always so positive! and their daddy is taking good care of them in their home, it's really the next best thing. enjoy the time you are with them, it makes up for it. xxxx diana

Ted and Maria said...

God, Tippy....they are gorgeous. I almost can't stand it. I'm sending you all hugs from afar and can't wait until they can be *real* hugs!

Kristen {} said...

Your babies are breathtakingly beautiful!!!
I used to follow your blog and haven't been by in a long time...congrats on your twins! I have twins too, a few months older and I too took off 12 weeks. I'm working from home now (and not full time), so it's different, but just wanted to tell you the first few weeks back to work were REALLY hard on me and things have gotten so much easier. The transition was just hell though. Hope you have a similar experience and that it gets easier for you!