Donor Anniversary

One year ago today, we turned a corner and never looked back. We signed on the dotted line and entered the world of Donor Egg IVF.

Our first donor, Dotty, didn't quite work out, because she didn't respond very well to the meds, but it is very significant to me because we committed to moving onto a new option to find our babies.

Little did we know, that that choice would bring us here today, a day shy of 35 weeks pregnant with twins.

I am ever grateful for this opportunity. I'm not sure where we would be today if we did not make this choice. I hope that we will always keep with us the sense of gratitude.

Anticipation of Change

The anticipation of the arrival of these babies has been making me a bit unstable lately. Our "to-do" list still has a few things on it and I think both Tidy and I are sensing this big change coming and reacting in our own ways, which are not always concordant.

I really want this last month (or less) to be a time when we can relax a bit, enjoy each others company and relish in the last remaining freedom and quite time that we have while we wait, excited and hopeful to finally meet these babies we have so longed for.

Because we react differently to these types of situations, we sometimes butt heads. My natural tendency is to organize, make lists, and want to get things done A.S.A.P, so we can then sit back and breath, while Tidy's nature is to not....Although, he has really been fantastic lately at getting some stuff done that I haven't even thought of, like getting Pog to the vet to get her current on her shots and making sure that the new doors we ordered are in and the guys we have can come over to install them.

I also think that some of these late pregnancy hormone changes has been making me shorter tempered and quicker to react. Either way, the blissful balance I have seemed to maintain thus far is starting to falter. I think I need more yoga :-)

Last night, we went to a friend's house for dinner and just stopped for a bit to sit around and talk and eat. It was nice and a good reminder that I can get what I want to get done and also still make time to enjoy the present moments.

I know, deep down, Tidy and I are both terribly excited about the change to come, but with any change, even one that you have been waiting for, for what seems like an eternity, there is always some part of you that wants to hang on to the present, because that is what is known. Make sense? I hope so. I don't mean for anyone to interpret that we do not 100% want this amazing gift we have been given, it's just the reality of the moment. Change is coming, a big, beautiful glorious change, but it's still change and with that, comes just a slight bit of anxiety.

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On the baby and mamma health front, we are all doing great. I went to my OB this past Wednesday to check in after our ultrasound a 2 weeks ago. He's very pleased with their growth and the fact that they are growing the same. Baby A was estimated at 4 lbs 3 oz and Baby B is 4 lbs 7 oz. We couldn't be happier.

Position wise however, that's another story. Baby A, the one who used to be head down and 'presenting' is now transverse and also higher up in my uterus. Baby B is closer to the exit and breech. At 34 weeks with twins, there is not much hope that they will turn head down, but rest assured I will be doing all that I can in these next few weeks to encourage them to turn. I started some Chiropractic care this week and I've been seeing my Acupuncturist. I've also found a fantastic website called: spinningbabies.com. Has anyone had luck with any of these methods? If a C-section is in my future, I know that I will come to accept it and focus on the positive of having our babies, but I am still very scared and sad at this possibility. I know some of you readers out there feel very strongly that I should just accept this fate and be happy for what I do have going well. And honestly, I will get there. But it's not a switch that I can just flip, I think it's more of a gradual grieving process.

Health wise, I am doing well too... no signs of increased blood pressure yet or major swelling, although we are expected to have a warm week starting today, so we'll see how that goes. I am looking at my toes right now and they could definitely use a pedicure... hmmm... maybe I'll have to do that on my way to Target this morning for the last round of returns from our showers.

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And now the stats & a belly pic (34w0d):

Status: 34w2d

Weight Gain: At the OB this past Wednesday, I was up 39 lbs. 

Symptoms:  I still have a bit of carpel tunnel,  but the braces that I wear to bed at night are helping a bit. And so are Tidy's comments about my "bowling wrist guards" and how he hopes it helps me pick up that "7-10 split"...  Also helping is the moxa stick that I use to encourage vertex positioning. It also seems to help clear out some of the fluid retention in my wrists. Also, this past week I've been a bit more "hormonal" that I have in the past, crying easily and getting a bit worked up over small things. I hope this passes.

Cravings: None to speak of

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  Still doing my once a week prenatal yoga and once a week prenatal pilates. I hope to make to the pool this weekend to do a little light swimming too, just to get the blood flowing and help with the minimal fluid retention.

Best Moment of the Week: At my OB appointment this past week, my doctor looked at me with a bit smile at the end of the appointment and said, "We're getting there! Things are going really well. 34 weeks is a fantastic milestone. I'm very happy with how well nature has been working here for you." And it just made me happy and realize that we really really have a big chance that these babies are going to be in our arms, healthy and thriving very soon. I still have to pinch myself that this is really happening.

What I Look Forward to: Hearing that one of my close blogger and IRL friends had a healthy labor and delivery of her much awaited for baby. She texted me yesterday saying she was starting to see signs of labor. I am on baited breath waiting until I get the phone call or text saying they are heading to the hospital. Sending her tons and tons of strength and hope for the delivery she has dreamed of for so long.

Can't Quite Get There

I can't get there... I don't feel it today.

For so many years, Mother's day has been a day of sadness for me. I have tried to focus on my mother but have also felt that my family didn't really understand why this day was so hard from me. I wanted for them to reach out to me, unasked, and say that they are sorry that I am still struggling.

Now, that I am pregnant and expecting twins very soon, many people have reached out to wish me well on this day. They are happy for me and excited and very sweet to say something. Even Tidy brought me my morning cup of tea in a mug a friend's mom got for me that says "New Mommy".

I cringed a bit, thinking, oh no! I don't want to jinx this. I don't have my babies in my arms...

Mother's day is hard for so many of us who have struggled or are still struggling to become mothers. It is also hard for those who have lost their mothers. They are reminded that they are not there yet or of what they have lost. Many years, I would just sit inside the house and cry on this day. I don't intend to do that today, but I also just can't feel that feeling I had expected to feel. Maybe I will feel it next year, when I am chasing my 11 month old babies around the house. Maybe I won't though. Infertility leaves scars, and this might just be one of mine.

I might, however, use this belly to go get my free custard at one of the local frozen custard shops they give out to "mothers" on this day. This is how I put my toes into the water on this day that I had so longed to be a part of.

To all of you out there, still struggling to become a mother in the traditional sense, or for those who have lost mothers and are grieving, I wish you peace and strength today.

Growth Update

33 weeks tomorrow.

Average twin gestation is somewhere around 35 or 36, depending on who you ask.

EEP!! They could be here soon.

I'm hoping for at least 37 weeks, but as we all know, I have no control over this, or very little at least.

I went to the Peri yesterday to check in on the babies growth and things are going fantastically!! Both measured just over 4lbs and are right on track for their gestational age. If you remember, a few weeks ago, the growth scan showed that baby A seemed to not gain enough weight and they were starting to diverge a bit in their weight difference, so we had to go back for another one just over 2 weeks later (ie, yesterday). This concern from the Peri caused my OB to think maybe we would be heading towards an early C-section because there was potential that at least one of the placentas was not functioning optimally.

But that scan a few weeks ago seems to be just a fluke, either operator error (ie a tech who wasn't taking good measurements) or just a blip in their growth. Either way, I am happy to report that they are doing very well, on track and close together in weight. This gives me much more hope that my OB will let them stay in longer as opposed to scheduling an early C-section and also hope that I may be able to attempt a vaginal birth. I go back to talk with him on Tuesday next week, so we'll see what he has to say.

Now, we just have to get these babies turned head down. They seem to still be moving around in there since their position is different than they were a few weeks back. As of yesterday, baby A (who had been the closest to the exit  thus far) is now transverse (read: going from left to right) and fundal (read: higher up, ie, away from the exit). Baby B is now closer to the exit and breech. I have no clue if there is still time for them to flip or not. I think the chances are getting smaller as it gets tighter and tighter in there. And I know that I really have no control over it, but I did get a few yoga poses that I can do to "encourage" them to move head down. So, if nothing else, doing those will help to make me feel like I am doing something.

In other news, we are finally getting some last minute projects done and putting a few things away in the closet and dresser. However.... our crib situation has taken a turn for the worse! Long story short, they are back ordered and the date got pushed back even further... Far enough that we likely won't be able to get them in time.  This means, tonight, I will be researching cribs, once again, and hope that we can find two, in stock that will get here in time.

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And now the stats:

Status: 32w6d

Weight Gain: I will weigh in again next week.

Symptoms:  Carpel Tunnel!!!! I must be having some water retention in my wrists that are irritating my nerves. I wake up here and there with some mild pain and numbness. SOmetimes it persists during the day. I was able to get some oh so sexy wrist guards to wear at night to bed, so we'll see if that helps. Other than that, I am still feeling fairly lucky with little to no complaints.

Cravings: None to speak of

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  Friday: 1 hr prenatal pilates, Monday: 45 min prenatal yoga;

Best Moment of the Week: Spending some good quality time with friends this past weekend and last night. It's so neat to feel the excitement from them as we near this long awaited event of meeting our babies. I treasure all of their support and hope they know how much it has helped me and Tidy these past years.

What I Look Forward to: More finishing the nursery this coming weekend! We painted shelves last weekend and put the dresser, changing pad and studio couch in place. We also hung a sweet picture and a few other details. This weekend will be putting our final wall hangings up, picking out some window treatments and finishing the wall decal. I promise, pictures to come, very soon.

Cloudy with a 70% Chance of C-Section

It's a cloudy and damp morning here where all I really want to do is curl back up in bed with my body pillow and nap the morning away. Instead I had to get up early to proof read some essay questions I needed to answer for an interview today and then off to my OB for a check in.

The goals of today's OB visit were to:

1. See what his thoughts are on the growth scan results from a few weeks ago
2. Review our birth "preferences"

Number 2 was easy. He agreed to most of our thoughts except some of them that had to do with a vaginal birth. Mostly our differences are due to logistics and me not really understanding what has to happen if we are to have baby A and B vaginally. But we are definitely on the same page.

Number 1 seemed easy, but as I have had the day to process it, my head is swarming with disappointments and worries. As you may recall when we had our growth scan over a week ago now, the babies have started to grow at different rates. This can be concerning because it could be an indication that the placenta on the smaller baby is not functioning optimally. My perinatologist gave me the advice of resting more and eating more fat and protein (ie, pizza and custard... LOL). But I wanted to see what my OB thought of this. And he didn't quite agree with the peri, that more calories into mamma = fatter, quicker growing babies. Isn't it great when you have two doctors who give you different advice? I'm going to lean towards my OB's thoughts because I really do believe that a person's body is very wise and will tell you what you need, when you need it. So if I am craving turkey and frozen custard, I will certainly eat it, but I'm not going to eat it when I don't want to. 

The thing that really bummed me out though today, is that as we were talking, he revealed that because of this difference in growth, it's much more likely that they will want to take the babies out earlier, and therefore schedule a C-section... 70% chance he said... 

As I processed what this meant, throughout the day, during weeping spurts at work, I realized that I may really not be able to attempt a vaginal birth. All of these emotions of disappointment that I have felt these last 5 years while trying to get pregnant, resurfaced. Again, I was feeling sad, frustrated, angry, jealous and wishing that for once, things could just go the way that I want them to. 

I feel strong. This pregnancy has been very easy on my body. I LOVE being pregnant. And I had been so focused on wanting to experience a natural, vaginal birth, thinking because my body can do pregnancy, then certainly it can do childbirth! Maybe I shouldn't have hoped for that so much and had gotten so used to that idea. Maybe I should have been mentally preparing for a C-section all along. But I feel like yet another part of pregnancy and childbirth is being taken away from me... a right of passage, so to speak, of understanding what it feels like to go into labor and have contractions and push through a pain that I've never felt before. And I feel like I will be jealous of a whole new group of women now... those that get to experience a vaginal birth.

I know this doesn't appeal to every woman and some women would actually like to schedule their C-section and be done with it. I have no judgments on that. There is no one, right way for everyone. But personally, I really really wanted to experience the pain and craziness that is childbirth, especially with Tidy and I working through it together... And now I may not get to do that.

In the end, our primary goal is to have healthy, thriving babies. And if a scheduled C-section is the best way to guarantee that, so be it. But I definitely have the right to grieve losing THAT part of baby making too, don't I?  

What have I had to "let go of" thus far? 

1. Having SEX work to make a baby
2. Having IUIs work to make a baby
3. Having IVF and my own eggs work to make a baby 
4. and now, I guess being able to deliver our babies naturally

We don't know for sure that a schedule C-section is the way to go yet. We will learn that in the next few weeks as we have another growth scan and follow up with our OB. I do however, think that I will be grateful for the opportunity to process this all now, instead of after 24 hours of labor or after baby A is born and we have to move to a C-section for baby B. But processing and grieving this is what I must do now. 

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And now the stats:

Status: 31w4d

Weight Gain: 36 lbs up, as of today.

Symptoms:  This week has been pretty uneventful in the way of symptoms. The babies movements have change a bit from pops and kicks to more rolling movements.

Cravings: None to speak of

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  Monday: 45 min prenatal yoga; Friday: 1 hr prenatal pilates

Best Moment of the Week: Having our maternity photo shoot taken by my good friend Mags. She did an amazing job. I've posted one for a quick sneak peak. I should have some more to share in the next few weeks. Tidy even enjoyed it a bit :-) I can't wait to see how they all turned out.

What I Look Forward to: Finishing the nursery this coming weekend. We've made a little progress, but not a ton recently, due to so much going on at work and busy weekends. These next few weekends will be for very focused nursery finishing.

Taking One for the Team

(Side note: Don't forget that it's National Infertility Awareness Week!!! Do all that you can to bring awareness to this disease! Facebook, Tweet, Blog... whatever you can do to speak out)

Does anyone out there know what Custard is? Frozen Custard, I mean... I happen to live near the "Custard Capital of the World". It's like ice cream, but with extra eggs yolks and yummy goodness. So I guess then it has more fat and cholesterol in it. Which babies seem to like.

And thus, it's a new addition to my 3rd trimester diet.

My Perinatologist basically gave me the go-ahead to eat more frozen custard to help add more fat to my babies. And I thought to myself, "Sure... I GUESS I can take one for the team"

I think I've said this before, but... if I can't drink some good wine, then frozen custard (or ice cream) is a decent second place!

We had our monthly ultrasound last Friday and things looked pretty good, but the babies didn't grow quite as much as we would have liked/expected. Nothing alarming, but just not quite what the "average" gain should have been. Additionally, they are less close in weight than they have ever been. Last month, they were 2 lbs 2 oz and 2 lbs 4 oz (at 26 weeks) and this month they are 2 lbs 15 oz and 3 lbs 4 oz (at 30 weeks).

Because of this, the Peri decided to check the blood flow in the umbilical cords to make sure they were getting enough volume, and based on those results they are doing super! But the fact that they were a bit sluggish in growth this past month means that they want to monitor me just a bit more closely AND up the calories, specifically for fat and protein.... thus the custard. It could also mean that the placentas are starting to become a bit inefficient and so resting more is essential.

Got it... naps and custard... I can do that!

(Now some doctors don't agree that more calories into mama = fatter babies, within reason of course, like, I shouldn't be starving myself. But it will be interesting to hear what my OB says about this when I meet with him next week. My OB and Peri don't normally consult with each other unless there is something to consult on. So far, no need.)

Their slightly sluggish weight gain did worry me a bit, though. I think after a blissfully easy pregnancy so far, having something not be as fantastic as it could be put me into a worry spiral and a lot of the fear of things not going well from infertility crept back in. It's easy to let all of those other negatives and defeats overtake you and make you react to not so perfect news.

In the long run, things are certainly going to be fine, right? But one little blip and my panic button appears. Hormones, post traumatic infertility stress... however you want to explain it. I have calmed down for now... Maybe it's all the yummy goodness in the custard!

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And now the stats, and a belly pic:

Status: 30w5d (but the pic is from 30w0d)

Weight Gain: I'll weigh in again on Monday.

Symptoms:  Heartburn is gone!!! No idea why, but I'll take it. Having a few braxton hicks contractions still, but not every day and only if I take a really long walk or climb up a few flights of stairs.

Cravings: Frozen Custard!!! (Ha!, not really. But I'll pretend). Definitely feeling like I'm needing more protein though, so I'll have to find more creative ways of getting that into my body, since I normally don't eat meat. I suppose I can open my diet back up to turkey and of course bacon... who doesn't love bacon. Fish is always good too, assuming it's low in mercury.

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  I've lost track of a week or so. But I have cut down on this a bit too, since the Peri told me a nap would be better than a walk at this point in my pregnancy. I am stubborn though and don't really want to turn into a total slug, so for now, I'm just trying to do a little walking here and there with the dog and then prenatal yoga.

Best Moment of the Week: My parents came for a visit on Friday to attend our ultrasound. It was neat to be able to share that experience with them. I wish they pictures would have been better, since as they babies get bigger in there, it is harder to get good angles to see their faces. But it was nice to have them with. Also, Tidy and I finished our childbirth and parenting class series at our HMO. They have occurred this past Saturday and the prior one from 9a to 4:30p. It's a LONG day for a weekend, but we're officially certified now!! As if that will make us good parents, right?

What I Look Forward to: This weekend, my friend Mags is coming to visit and take some pregnancy photos... before I get TOOO big for pictures!! I honestly do love this pregnant body now and while I tend to feel fat here and there, I am finding some beauty in it. So it will be nice to document that. Also, we should have a few more things done in the house this weekend so we can finally put the majority of the finishing touches on the nursery. I hope to update on that next week.

Don't Ignore the Ignorance... Educate!

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week (April 22-28) and as an entry into the Bloggers Unite event to help bring awareness to Infertility, I have written this heartfelt post:

A peaceful town was in the news a few weeks ago because a doctor wanted to build a fertility clinic in a vacant space. This space is close to a church, an elementary school and a small college. Protesters came to the city board in hopes of stopping this "immoral place" from being built. One of the organizers of the protest commented that a child born through IVF "becomes a manufactured commodity" and is "reduced to an object, a product."

This sentence enraged me.

I'm currently 30 weeks and 3 days pregnant with twins via donor egg IVF and there is NO WAY that I view these babies as a "product" or "manufactured". I view them as an amazing gift. After a 5 year war with infertility (and I say war, because we went to battle, many many times), we made the not very easy decision to be done with my eggs and try a new route. And once we moved forward, we never looked back. I've been grateful for every. single. moment of this pregnancy and I'm already madly in love with these babies thriving away inside me. I can't wait to meet them, hold them, nurture them.... To me, and my husband, they are very far from "objects".

They are OUR children.

Just because we had to spend over $35,000 to even have this chance at a child on this ONE IVF cycle, in no way shape or form, minimizes their meaning to us. In fact, I would argue, people who go through fertility treatments to have their children, MAY even appreciate the fact that they are parents more so than if they were easy to conceive. (Now I'm not arguing we are better parents here, but just that we understand what it took to get them...and that perspective is very special.)

But then I tried to calm down a bit and think this through, or at least put myself in these protesters shoes. I understand why IVF and third party reproduction scare people and why some consider it unnatural. They are right. IVF was not the way nature intended children to be conceived. (I would say, though, that nature gave us all very intelligent brains and thus doctors, the ability to create these amazing processes that have helped many of us become parents)

But I believe that some media and a lack of awareness/education has a lot to do with this fear. Stories in the news can make IVF appear as a freakish thing that creates octo-moms and fabricates babies in places where "god didn't intend" a baby to be. This misrepresentation creates ignorance and fear.

Specifically, it causes people to make ignorant statements about IVF babies as commodities...

Ridiculous.

Fertility clinics are certainly not manufacturing babies. They are actually helping to create THE POTENTIAL for a baby to be born. With all of the time, money and effort that goes into taking eggs from a woman and sperm from a man, joining them in the lab, and then putting a few resulting embryos  back in the woman, fertility clinics still have not created a baby! Those embryos have to decide to snuggle in tight and stick around for 8 more months before a baby enters the world. And there is no fertility clinic that can gaurantee the success of the last part.

Through the four IVF cycles with my body, our fertility clinic helped us produce over 55 embryos... and not ONE of them turned into a baby. Not one. I bought the chance to have a baby, many times over, but we certainly did not buy a baby. If it were that easy, to just go out and buy a baby when we faced with the disease of infertility, would so many of us need the support of this community? Would so many of us want to build awareness and educate others that it is OK to need help?

If only I could meet these protesters and tell them my story. Maybe then they would see how their ignorance only hurts those of us who need help to experience the joy of having a baby. Maybe they would see how truly life altering and devastating it is to be infertile and feel isolated, depressed, anxious, and hopeless.  Maybe they would see how much I am in love with my babies already, how grateful I am and how they are not simply a commodity to me.

For those of you who would like to learn more about NIAW and the basics of the disease of infertility, please click on the links. The more you know, and educate yourselves, the more you can educate others.

Please pass this along!!