Monday, April 30, 2012

Cloudy with a 70% Chance of C-Section

It's a cloudy and damp morning here where all I really want to do is curl back up in bed with my body pillow and nap the morning away. Instead I had to get up early to proof read some essay questions I needed to answer for an interview today and then off to my OB for a check in.

The goals of today's OB visit were to:
  1. See what his thoughts are on the growth scan results from a few weeks ago
  2. Review our birth "preferences"
Number 2 was easy. He agreed to most of our thoughts except some of them that had to do with a vaginal birth. Mostly our differences are due to logistics and me not really understanding what has to happen if we are to have baby A and B vaginally. But we are definitely on the same page.

Number 1 seemed easy, but as I have had the day to process it, my head is swarming with disappointments and worries. As you may recall when we had our growth scan over a week ago now, the babies have started to grow at different rates. This can be concerning because it could be an indication that the placenta on the smaller baby is not functioning optimally. My perinatologist gave me the advice of resting more and eating more fat and protein (ie, pizza and custard... LOL). But I wanted to see what my OB thought of this. And he didn't quite agree with the peri, that more calories into mamma = fatter, quicker growing babies. Isn't it great when you have two doctors who give you different advice? I'm going to lean towards my OB's thoughts because I really do believe that a person's body is very wise and will tell you what you need, when you need it. So if I am craving turkey and frozen custard, I will certainly eat it, but I'm not going to eat it when I don't want to. 

The thing that really bummed me out though today, is that as we were talking, he revealed that because of this difference in growth, it's much more likely that they will want to take the babies out earlier, and therefore schedule a C-section... 70% chance he said... 

As I processed what this meant, throughout the day, during weeping spurts at work, I realized that I may really not be able to attempt a vaginal birth. All of these emotions of disappointment that I have felt these last 5 years while trying to get pregnant, resurfaced. Again, I was feeling sad, frustrated, angry, jealous and wishing that for once, things could just go the way that I want them to. 

I feel strong. This pregnancy has been very easy on my body. I LOVE being pregnant. And I had been so focused on wanting to experience a natural, vaginal birth, thinking because my body can do pregnancy, then certainly it can do childbirth! Maybe I shouldn't have hoped for that so much and had gotten so used to that idea. Maybe I should have been mentally preparing for a C-section all along. But I feel like yet another part of pregnancy and childbirth is being taken away from me... a right of passage, so to speak, of understanding what it feels like to go into labor and have contractions and push through a pain that I've never felt before. And I feel like I will be jealous of a whole new group of women now... those that get to experience a vaginal birth.

I know this doesn't appeal to every woman and some women would actually like to schedule their C-section and be done with it. I have no judgments on that. There is no one, right way for everyone. But personally, I really really wanted to experience the pain and craziness that is childbirth, especially with Tidy and I working through it together... And now I may not get to do that.

In the end, our primary goal is to have healthy, thriving babies. And if a scheduled C-section is the best way to guarantee that, so be it. But I definitely have the right to grieve losing THAT part of baby making too, don't I?  

What have I had to "let go of" thus far? 
  1. Having SEX work to make a baby
  2. Having IUIs work to make a baby
  3. Having IVF and my own eggs work to make a baby 
  4. and now, I guess being able to deliver our babies naturally
We don't know for sure that a schedule C-section is the way to go yet. We will learn that in the next few weeks as we have another growth scan and follow up with our OB. I do however, think that I will be grateful for the opportunity to process this all now, instead of after 24 hours of labor or after baby A is born and we have to move to a C-section for baby B. But processing and grieving this is what I must do now. 

And now the stats:

Status: 31w4d

Weight Gain: 36 lbs up, as of today.

Symptoms:  This week has been pretty uneventful in the way of symptoms. The babies movements have change a bit from pops and kicks to more rolling movements.

Cravings: None to speak of

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  Monday: 45 min prenatal yoga; Friday: 1 hr prenatal pilates

Best Moment of the Week: Having our maternity photo shoot taken by my good friend Mags. She did an amazing job. I've posted one for a quick sneak peak. I should have some more to share in the next few weeks. Tidy even enjoyed it a bit :-) I can't wait to see how they all turned out.

What I Look Forward to: Finishing the nursery this coming weekend. We've made a little progress, but not a ton recently, due to so much going on at work and busy weekends. These next few weekends will be for very focused nursery finishing.


My New Normal said...

I've never understood the thought that if you can't deliver vaginally then you've somehow "missed out" on a real birth experience. It seems to me that if the goal is healthy babies then it really doesn't matter how they're born, just that they are.

I think as women we are way too hard on ourselves sometimes.

Bernadette & Duane said...

You have EVERY right to grieve! I felt the same way when my babies were born early. You do "give up" a lot when you go through infertility, and you kind of feel like once in a while, it'd be nice to catch a break. I know a natural birth meant a lot to you. Be sad, regroup, and look forward when you are ready. xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Ugh, it sucks so much to get different opinions from different doctors. Praying the babies keep growing well.
I'm so sorry hun about the C-section part. I hope you can still try with a vaginal birth. It's unfair to have to do things another way when you've been dreaming of it for so long! It would definitely be very disappointing. Big hugs!

ks said...

I know what you mean about missing out...I got to experience a vaginal birth, but I didn't get to go into labour on my own. And I know it's silly but I wanted that excitement... Being induced and all the meds and then not being able to see Lola for 24 hours definitely was not my plan...but having her here safe and healthy is more satisfying than any idea of a birth plan I had! I'm so glad you are able to really enjoy your pregnancy!
All my best to you!

Melissia said...

As a mom who had to increase her proteins and fats because of a small baby in utero I discovered that there are easy ways to do this, try adding protein powder to smoothies that you make with whole milk in the mornings. It is a great way to start the day and you will not even notice it. Some powders are better than others so ask at your local health food. The longer you can keep your babies in increases your chances of having your vaginal birth,

Anonymous said...

"But I feel like yet another part of pregnancy and childbirth is being taken away from me... those that get to experience a vaginal birth."

I just went through this when my daughter was born 8 weeks ago. It truly is a grieving process and I believe it is harder once infertility is in the mix. Be kind to yourself and know that by voicing your feelings now, you are already on your way to coming to terms with a csection- if you have to do it.

Best of luck to you!

Anonymous said...

You look great! I agree, your body will tell you to eat more if you need to. So many twins are born at different weights from one another, just as siblings are all different sizes at birth.
I am sorry about the c-section news. I know I am going into this knowing I would like a vaginal, but whatever is best for the babies is what I repeat to myself. Everything thus far has not been 'normal', as you can relate, so mine as well keep it up :)

Gurlee said...

I understand wanting to experience a natural vaginal birth, it was upsetting to learn it wasn't in the cards for me. I couldn't help feeling like a bit of a failure. After delivering, I am going to echo what so many others have said, it doesn't really matter. Having your precious baby(ies) in your arms is thee most important and magical thing. I am not minimizing your grief, it is valid! getting your head around the possibility of a section may make it a bit easier for you to swallow. It's not set in stone and maybe you can have the birth you envisioned but if not, I guarantee every moment you spend with your take home babies will help ease the loss of a vaginal birth.

Anonymous said...

with my second one i had to have a scheduled c-section for complete placenta previa. i felt like you, i cried on my way to the hospital Although proud i had made it to 37 weeks after two serious bleeds. i was so keen to have a natural birth my second time around but if labor is a marathon i just felt like i didn't even get to run the race. my husband of course said, don't be silly, the only thing that matters is not the race but the end result, a healthy baby and momma. sometimes we just don;t ave control over these things, and there is just no point in blaming yourself.
so don't feel sad, it's not you, it's just the fact that birthing twins is so much more complicated. and don't give up your may still happen.

Heather said...

Hey join the club... I also wanted natural and had to go c-section, but what can you do? At least you still have that 30% chance... Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I wanted to experience the birth of my twins vaginally as well. Unfortunately, after 15 hours of labor, I had a C-section. But by that point I just wanted it over with!

However, I was absolutely devastated that breast-feeding did not work out for me. And I definitely had to grieve that. You have every right to grieve the things that do not go your way. Just know that everything will work out in the and, even if it does not go the way you wanted to.

Anonymous said...

I think you should focus on the positive and remember that at the end of this, you'll have 2 healthy babies. And that is the ultimate goal. And remember some people can't have kids, and although you've struggled to get here, is this really what you want to dwell on?

bozley33 said...

To the last poster, who is trying to minimize her disappointment over the potential of having a c-section, I have to wonder how you could post such a ridiculously ignorant comment. If you have struggled for years for IF (as I have), told your eggs are non-existent (as I have), used donor eggs (as I have), then don't get to hold your magnificent children immediately after they come out of your body, it IS a huge letdown. As someone who went thru this journey, I wanted something to go "normal" for me, just one freakin time. I think that Tippy is extremely sensitive to those who are still trying for their baby, and I think it's a shame that someone could try and rob her of expressing her feelings, as this is HER journey.

Anonymous said...

vaginal birth is overrated.

Anonymous said...

I also understand your desire to give birth vaginally, but what I don't understand is why you wouldn't follow your peri's advice and try increasing the fat and protein in your diet and napping instead of walking. If he thinks that gives you the best chance of increasing the babies' weight and thus delivering vaginally, why wouldn't you try that?express all you want, but if you want something (other than a bunch of women you don't know telling you what a skinny pregnant woman you are), then take action too and follow the advice of your high risk dr.

Amy said...

I am a fellow twins mom and I found your blog. I had my twins 5 weeks early at 35 weeks 1 day on December 7th, 2011. I really wanted a vaginal birth but I ended up needing a c-section and I can tell you my recovery from a c-section was FAR easier then my vaginal birth with my 2 year old had been. But I understand (as much as I can since I did have a vaginal birth already) the loss that you feel of your "dream" birth, it's hard. Let yourself grieve. It doesn't make you any less happy about your babies or any less grateful for what you have. Grieving is a part of the process.

Amy, wife to Rob, mom to 3 earth babies and 5 heavenly angels.

Ted and Maria said...

What a fantastic belly shot, there, girlie....pregnancy looks awesome on you. :)