Sunday, May 13, 2012

Can't Quite Get There

I can't get there... I don't feel it today.

For so many years, Mother's day has been a day of sadness for me. I have tried to focus on my mother but have also felt that my family didn't really understand why this day was so hard from me. I wanted for them to reach out to me, unasked, and say that they are sorry that I am still struggling.

Now, that I am pregnant and expecting twins very soon, many people have reached out to wish me well on this day. They are happy for me and excited and very sweet to say something. Even Tidy brought me my morning cup of tea in a mug a friend's mom got for me that says "New Mommy".

I cringed a bit, thinking, oh no! I don't want to jinx this. I don't have my babies in my arms...

Mother's day is hard for so many of us who have struggled or are still struggling to become mothers. It is also hard for those who have lost their mothers. They are reminded that they are not there yet or of what they have lost. Many years, I would just sit inside the house and cry on this day. I don't intend to do that today, but I also just can't feel that feeling I had expected to feel. Maybe I will feel it next year, when I am chasing my 11 month old babies around the house. Maybe I won't though. Infertility leaves scars, and this might just be one of mine.

I might, however, use this belly to go get my free custard at one of the local frozen custard shops they give out to "mothers" on this day. This is how I put my toes into the water on this day that I had so longed to be a part of.

To all of you out there, still struggling to become a mother in the traditional sense, or for those who have lost mothers and are grieving, I wish you peace and strength today.

4 comments:

Cherm said...

Well put my friend...I'm in that same boat. My DH got me a sweet, lighthearted funny card and flowers and I burst into tears from all the pent up angst and sadness I have felt for years on this day. I love that you acknowledge those who've lost their mothers. Sending love and hugs to those still struggling and missing their moms today.

Cherm said...

Well put my friend...I'm in that same boat. My DH got me a sweet, lighthearted funny card and flowers and I burst into tears from all the pent up angst and sadness I have felt for years on this day. I love that you acknowledge those who've lost their mothers. Sending love and hugs to those still struggling and missing their moms today.

Mrs Red said...

I hate being in my 2ww during this day. Someone asked me if I was excited for mothers day this year and I haven't even gotten my bfp! I hate how infertility scars us. You are in the home stretch, get that custard and eat it proudly :-) you are really inspirational to me

Bernadette & Duane said...

So glad you wrote this. I felt like I was the only "mom" having a doom and gloom day. Interestingly, I think the only thing we ever want after infertility is normalcy. But I'm not sure we'll ever have that. Those scars run deep. I think we much prefer a regular old Tuesday with a lack of sleep, dirty diapers and spit up on our clothes to flowers, balloons and whole lot of hoopla! xo