Sunday, September 18, 2011

It's Time

I'm still here, waiting patiently for my cycle to start... waiting patiently for my new donor to start stims... waiting for her to to make it to retrieval... on and on. And yes, as we've heard before, this whole journey is about hurrying up and waiting.

I have tried very hard over these last few months to live in the present moment, waiting for things to just happen, and ride the wave of this cycle. But recently, I've been panicking a lot. Worrying about the what ifs.

With this donor's history, I am hopeful she will give us some good eggs to work with, but what our embryos are still not so good? And what if none of the transfers succeed?

How am I going to handle yet another BFN, especially with so many of my dear friends pregnant. If this cycle goes the way that I expect it to, after so many years of negatives... I don't know how to move forward with more hope.

But as I write this out, I feel like a broken record. What more can I say about the waiting, and hoping that hasn't already been said. It sucks. It's heavy. And I try often to put it away, and focus on the moment by cooking, working, scheduling time with my friends and Tidy... but it's still there... weighing heavily on my shoulders. 

I really don't want this journey to continue any longer. (Ha! Who does, right?) I want to start a new blog, a blog about my baby and share the joys and worries of pregnancy with my friends and family members. I love this community, but I, as you all do, I'm sure, long to not need this community in the way we currently do.  Its time for me to move on. It's time for Tidy and I to get our lives back, to rid ourselves of the anxiety and sadness and anger that lingers.... constantly.


Roccie said...

We have every reason in the world to believe in this cycle. You make the great, great sacrifice to move forward w DE and it comes with a lot of benefits.

Write it down, get it out and shake it off if you can. This is a crazy exciting time and law have mercy does it move FAST! You can broken record to us any time you want, just dont let it eat at you in the quiet, ok?

I bet the fresh enthusiasm is a little harder to scare up since this feels a little familiar. Much love coming your way as you get back in the saddle.

amiracle4us said...

I wish the very thing for us both :) Hoping the next few weeks go by quickly for you :) xo

LC said...

Hang on will get your lives back! I just know it. Thinking of you!!!

cgd said...

I could have written this post. I hate, hate, hate the waiting part. It is not fair my friend, you are long over due (as if that means anything, right??).
hoping this show gets on the road for you very soon.
much love to you always.

Gurlee said...

Waiting, trying to live in the moment and not thinking about the what ifs is so incredibly difficult. I hope it is helpful to articulate your fear here, better to articulate than to let it eat you up inside.
The waiting will be over soon and then it will begin again in a new chapter.

St Elsewhere said...

Sweets, I actually understand your frustration. How much longer really?

But you know, all I can see is that you must give this your best shot. And you already are.

May Dotty 2.0's eggs make you a mom. I want you to have the 2012 baby.

I mean it.


RunningMama said...

The sad thing about concentrating on the present is that it seems so silly, so inconsequential, when your life's dreams are hinged upon the future...but this being said...we could all be hit by a bus tomorrow. One of my favorite activites for focusing on the present: reading obituaries...thinking about the people that died early...wondering if they had known that they were going to die at 31, 41, 51 whether they would have made different choices. Anyway, don't go bat crazy. Or full bat crazy. Maybe just slightly bat crazy:>

Maria said...

What a fantastic visual of starting up your new pregnancy blog....I can't wait for that. :-) Thinking about you with much love, my friend. xoxo

Sarah said...

I am praying so hard for you!!!

Try and stay positive. Instead of looking at all the negative what ifs, start looking at the positive ones,

Like if you are pregnant you can announce at Christmas, and you will have a spring/summer baby!! Open up to the positive!!! you can do it!!

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I completely understand where you are coming from (hence my post last week.) Hope this is one of the last posts before you turn the page to wonderful new things.

Cherm said...

It IS hard to know what to say when you feel like you've said it all but like some others have said above, getting your fears, worries and dreams out here in the bloggy world helps get them off your mind a bit and out of your heart. That way you won't implode...we don't want that to happen! : P You know I'm hoping beyond hope you'll have your BFP to announce!!! I've got it here in my pocket...xoxo

Donor Diva said...

It is hard to have faith after so much loss. I pray that this is the cycle and your donor creates great eggs for you. Looking forward to reading more!

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