Thursday, September 8, 2011

Hope vs. Certainty

"I've been living in hope for so long, that certainty has become a much more desirable way to live" ~ some guy who was talking on NPR this morning as I was half listening and half driving to work (well, I mean, really I WAS paying attention to my driving, but... I do it every day that I COULD do it in my sleep, right?)

That's just another way to say how I've been feeling lately. I have no control over how many of these next steps are met and hoops are jumped through. I have no control over when my new donor will start stims, or if she will get many eggs, or how many embryos will grow by day 5 or if we get to transfer any and if a baby sticks around... And so I've focused on what is certain in my life right now and tried to enjoy and appreciate that.

Living in hope is important, yes, because a hopeless world is just plain sad, but carrying that hope for so long (long relative to me and this journey, not relative to many other people who have struggled with much worse for much longer)... carrying that hope for so long is tiring and burdensome. It's hard to keep hoping so outwardly and in front of your focus each and every day when you get setbacks and knocked down. So focusing on certainty has helped lighten that load.

What is certain right now? Work is incredibly busy. The fall weather is amazing and I am absolutely loving it. I have a lot of fun things planned in these next few weekends. Tidy is a fantastic hubby and friend... and Pog is just plain cute.

Thank you NPR for yet another snippet that really puts in a nutshell how I've been feeling lately. Sometimes you just, SO get me!

On the cycling front, I stopped my estrogen at the end of last week and waited for my period to begin.  I'm going in for my NEW baseline appointment tomorrow and hopefully I will get the go-ahead tomorrow to start estrogen again to rebuild my lining.  (These hot flashes from Lupron and no Estrogen are RIDICULOUS!!!) And then based on my timeline and Dotty 2.0's timeline, we should finally be starting stims soon... "hopefully"


Anonymous said...

So true!!! I would like a bit more certainty in my life too :) We have had to live off hope and fight the hopelessness for waaaaaaay too long! xo

Gurlee said...

You have to love NPR ;) I am grateful for the reminder to embrace certainty, it is so important to recognize the good and be in the moment. Hope is a necessity but without those other vital things it would be worth much less.
Good luck at your baseline. I hope that you will be starting down the road very soon.

St Elsewhere said...

I hope your teaming up with Dotty 2.0 will bring you your ultimate dream.

I understand the sentiment behind that craving for certainty. If life could be that simple!

cgd said...

I love that quote, that is wonderful. I am so wishing for certainty for you. Much love to you always.

LisaB said...

That is so true! You have been such a trooper and sooo inspiring! I am rooting for you as always and can't wait for things to get moving in the right direction. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Oh boy, do I EVER get this right now. Just walking the dog in the park the other day I had some serious trouble focusing on the trees, and the breeze, and the green grass....staying in the Now has been a real struggle lately.

Um....what's NPR? Excuse my clueless self. ;-)

NLY said...

I really needed to hear this today, it's so true. I know that I need to enjoy what is in my life right now, rather than spending so much time hoping and dreaming my life away!