What I Haven't Learned

After all of these years struggling with infertility, you would think that I would have learned better to roll with the punches, to "stay in the moment" and appreciate all of the good.

For the most part I think I have. I let much of the small stuff slide off, well, except for this morning when I was really really excited for a creamy cup of decaf coffee but 1) the half and half was nearly gone and 2) all of the decaf was already combined withe the caffeinated coffee (Tidy drinks half decaf) in the container so my morning was foiled... GRRR.

Ok, anyways..  back to my story.

At our 30 week ultrasound, when we thought the growth of the babies was diverging and my OB predicted a high chance of a C-section, we also learned that baby B was presenting (closest to the exit) and was breech and baby A was fundal (further at the top of the uterus) and transverse.  Here's a picture of what they kind of look like.

So I've spent much of my time these past few weeks trying to understand how likely it is that baby B will flip vertex, or maybe baby A will nudge baby B away from the exit and move in for the save. (I've also spent much of my time inverted, using moxa sticks, doing acupuncture and chiropractic care )... But it seems that if the twins haven't moved by 36 weeks, it's very very highly unlikely that they will after that. And a few days ago we passed our 36 week mark and also had an ultrasound, which confirmed the babies were still in the same unfavorable-for-a-vaginal-delivery position.

On the very very bright side, the babies are doing great. Both are estimated to be just shy of 6 lbs each, and we got to see that they both are practicing breathing. Their lungs are moving to get ready for the world outside. Cool, huh?

But I must say that I had gotten my hopes up that baby B, the breech one, had flipped... you see, I have a heart beat monitor at home that I use from time to time just to check in. And I had been used to hearing both of the heat tones near my belly button... but then early last weekend, I checked again and baby B's heart tone had moved way down to near the exit. This of course got my mind spinning that my baby B had actually spun!! So I was all proud of my babies for listening to my wishes and hopeful that when we went into to see them early this week we would see that one to be head down.

No dice though.

And then with that, I had to re-grieve this sense of loss I feel about not being able to have a vaginal birth. It was quicker this time than the last discussion with my OB. More so, however, I was mad at myself for 1) getting my hopes up and 2) allowing that disappointment to cloud my thoughts for a few days.

I mean, come on Tippy, things are going great! You are 36 + weeks with twins who are thriving feeling little to nothing to complain about. You are going to finally hold these babies in your hands in the very near future... the babies you have longed for for 5 years. This C-section business is just a blip in the road. Yes, it's ok to feel the disappointment, and have wanted it to go differently, but it is not ok to let it taint these last few weeks of anticipation as you meet your babies.

So I woke up a few mornings ago after a day of sadness, with the intention of trying to just stay focused on the present moment and the positive healthy babies that we will get to meet soon.

Isn't this cycle of disappointment though, similar to those feelings of failure with a negative cycle, or a 2nd or 3rd chemical pregnancy? It's not the SAME disappointment, but just a similar cycle of thought. So apparently I still have some learning/growing to do in my ability to roll with the punches.

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And now the stats

Status: 36w2d

Weight Gain: I'll weigh in again this coming Friday.

Symptoms:  Carpel tunnel is still around. Hormone swings are annoying too. I also had more (TMI) mucus this morning... so maybe that mucus plug is starting to thing out.

Cravings: None to speak of

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  Still doing my once a week prenatal yoga and once a week prenatal pilates. Also went to the gym last night for a swim. It felt SOO good. I swam and kicked a half mile. The pool is amazing for taking all of that baby weight off of your body. It feels like I'm not pregnant at all.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing the twins again at the ultrasound and hearing that they have some hair on their heads and also seeing their lungs move to a rhythm to help prepare them for the outside world. Yay babies!

What I Look Forward to: Similar to last week, I think all of my forward looking thoughts are to holding these babies and to nuzzling with them. It's going to be here soon and I want to really really appreciate these last few days/weeks and know that we were joyful in their anticipation.

Growth Update

33 weeks tomorrow.

Average twin gestation is somewhere around 35 or 36, depending on who you ask.

EEP!! They could be here soon.

I'm hoping for at least 37 weeks, but as we all know, I have no control over this, or very little at least.

I went to the Peri yesterday to check in on the babies growth and things are going fantastically!! Both measured just over 4lbs and are right on track for their gestational age. If you remember, a few weeks ago, the growth scan showed that baby A seemed to not gain enough weight and they were starting to diverge a bit in their weight difference, so we had to go back for another one just over 2 weeks later (ie, yesterday). This concern from the Peri caused my OB to think maybe we would be heading towards an early C-section because there was potential that at least one of the placentas was not functioning optimally.

But that scan a few weeks ago seems to be just a fluke, either operator error (ie a tech who wasn't taking good measurements) or just a blip in their growth. Either way, I am happy to report that they are doing very well, on track and close together in weight. This gives me much more hope that my OB will let them stay in longer as opposed to scheduling an early C-section and also hope that I may be able to attempt a vaginal birth. I go back to talk with him on Tuesday next week, so we'll see what he has to say.

Now, we just have to get these babies turned head down. They seem to still be moving around in there since their position is different than they were a few weeks back. As of yesterday, baby A (who had been the closest to the exit  thus far) is now transverse (read: going from left to right) and fundal (read: higher up, ie, away from the exit). Baby B is now closer to the exit and breech. I have no clue if there is still time for them to flip or not. I think the chances are getting smaller as it gets tighter and tighter in there. And I know that I really have no control over it, but I did get a few yoga poses that I can do to "encourage" them to move head down. So, if nothing else, doing those will help to make me feel like I am doing something.

In other news, we are finally getting some last minute projects done and putting a few things away in the closet and dresser. However.... our crib situation has taken a turn for the worse! Long story short, they are back ordered and the date got pushed back even further... Far enough that we likely won't be able to get them in time.  This means, tonight, I will be researching cribs, once again, and hope that we can find two, in stock that will get here in time.

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And now the stats:

Status: 32w6d

Weight Gain: I will weigh in again next week.

Symptoms:  Carpel Tunnel!!!! I must be having some water retention in my wrists that are irritating my nerves. I wake up here and there with some mild pain and numbness. SOmetimes it persists during the day. I was able to get some oh so sexy wrist guards to wear at night to bed, so we'll see if that helps. Other than that, I am still feeling fairly lucky with little to no complaints.

Cravings: None to speak of

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  Friday: 1 hr prenatal pilates, Monday: 45 min prenatal yoga;

Best Moment of the Week: Spending some good quality time with friends this past weekend and last night. It's so neat to feel the excitement from them as we near this long awaited event of meeting our babies. I treasure all of their support and hope they know how much it has helped me and Tidy these past years.

What I Look Forward to: More finishing the nursery this coming weekend! We painted shelves last weekend and put the dresser, changing pad and studio couch in place. We also hung a sweet picture and a few other details. This weekend will be putting our final wall hangings up, picking out some window treatments and finishing the wall decal. I promise, pictures to come, very soon.

Taking One for the Team

(Side note: Don't forget that it's National Infertility Awareness Week!!! Do all that you can to bring awareness to this disease! Facebook, Tweet, Blog... whatever you can do to speak out)

Does anyone out there know what Custard is? Frozen Custard, I mean... I happen to live near the "Custard Capital of the World". It's like ice cream, but with extra eggs yolks and yummy goodness. So I guess then it has more fat and cholesterol in it. Which babies seem to like.

And thus, it's a new addition to my 3rd trimester diet.

My Perinatologist basically gave me the go-ahead to eat more frozen custard to help add more fat to my babies. And I thought to myself, "Sure... I GUESS I can take one for the team"

I think I've said this before, but... if I can't drink some good wine, then frozen custard (or ice cream) is a decent second place!

We had our monthly ultrasound last Friday and things looked pretty good, but the babies didn't grow quite as much as we would have liked/expected. Nothing alarming, but just not quite what the "average" gain should have been. Additionally, they are less close in weight than they have ever been. Last month, they were 2 lbs 2 oz and 2 lbs 4 oz (at 26 weeks) and this month they are 2 lbs 15 oz and 3 lbs 4 oz (at 30 weeks).

Because of this, the Peri decided to check the blood flow in the umbilical cords to make sure they were getting enough volume, and based on those results they are doing super! But the fact that they were a bit sluggish in growth this past month means that they want to monitor me just a bit more closely AND up the calories, specifically for fat and protein.... thus the custard. It could also mean that the placentas are starting to become a bit inefficient and so resting more is essential.

Got it... naps and custard... I can do that!

(Now some doctors don't agree that more calories into mama = fatter babies, within reason of course, like, I shouldn't be starving myself. But it will be interesting to hear what my OB says about this when I meet with him next week. My OB and Peri don't normally consult with each other unless there is something to consult on. So far, no need.)

Their slightly sluggish weight gain did worry me a bit, though. I think after a blissfully easy pregnancy so far, having something not be as fantastic as it could be put me into a worry spiral and a lot of the fear of things not going well from infertility crept back in. It's easy to let all of those other negatives and defeats overtake you and make you react to not so perfect news.

In the long run, things are certainly going to be fine, right? But one little blip and my panic button appears. Hormones, post traumatic infertility stress... however you want to explain it. I have calmed down for now... Maybe it's all the yummy goodness in the custard!

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And now the stats, and a belly pic:

Status: 30w5d (but the pic is from 30w0d)

Weight Gain: I'll weigh in again on Monday.

Symptoms:  Heartburn is gone!!! No idea why, but I'll take it. Having a few braxton hicks contractions still, but not every day and only if I take a really long walk or climb up a few flights of stairs.

Cravings: Frozen Custard!!! (Ha!, not really. But I'll pretend). Definitely feeling like I'm needing more protein though, so I'll have to find more creative ways of getting that into my body, since I normally don't eat meat. I suppose I can open my diet back up to turkey and of course bacon... who doesn't love bacon. Fish is always good too, assuming it's low in mercury.

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  I've lost track of a week or so. But I have cut down on this a bit too, since the Peri told me a nap would be better than a walk at this point in my pregnancy. I am stubborn though and don't really want to turn into a total slug, so for now, I'm just trying to do a little walking here and there with the dog and then prenatal yoga.

Best Moment of the Week: My parents came for a visit on Friday to attend our ultrasound. It was neat to be able to share that experience with them. I wish they pictures would have been better, since as they babies get bigger in there, it is harder to get good angles to see their faces. But it was nice to have them with. Also, Tidy and I finished our childbirth and parenting class series at our HMO. They have occurred this past Saturday and the prior one from 9a to 4:30p. It's a LONG day for a weekend, but we're officially certified now!! As if that will make us good parents, right?

What I Look Forward to: This weekend, my friend Mags is coming to visit and take some pregnancy photos... before I get TOOO big for pictures!! I honestly do love this pregnant body now and while I tend to feel fat here and there, I am finding some beauty in it. So it will be nice to document that. Also, we should have a few more things done in the house this weekend so we can finally put the majority of the finishing touches on the nursery. I hope to update on that next week.

Another Sneak Peek

Another peek inside revealed two perfectly growing babies. They are both measuring very close together, which is what we are aiming for right now. One is at 2lbs, 2 oz and the other at 2 lbs, 4oz (I can't remember which is which). But that puts them both in the 46th percentile for their weight and gestational age... just perfect, in my opinion!

Here are the latest, greatest ultrasound pictures, although I should say that they are a bit harder to make out than last month. I think that as the room gets tighter, there are more things in the way, for example their siblings foot, or butt. And they were squirming around so much in there that it was hard to get a good still picture.

Here is Twin A with his/her left fist up near the left eye. It's somewhere between a profile and a full frontal face view. Also in this picture is Twin B's shin... but that's harder to distinguish from all of the other stuff going on in there.

Here is Twin B's profile. This little one was very hard to capture since most of the time it was laying with it's back to us. But we did get a pretty good shot of his/her right profile. I think there's a fist in there too.

As they moved around in there, you could see them sucking in the amniotic fluid and nudging each other, maybe saying hello, or jockeying for more space. I just hope that they are becoming friends in there and not getting frustrated as the space gets smaller.

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And now, the stats:

Status: 26w1d

Weight Gain: Will weigh in again in early April.

Symptoms:  Nothing really different from last week, although I am a bit itchy. I heard that as your belly stretches, it becomes itchy and for some reason, I expected this to be more lower on my belly, but the itch seems mostly to happen up at the top, near where I imagine my diaphragm to be. I found this great little product made locally that seems to help with the itch. 

Cravings: None to speak of

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  With a busy weekend traveling and "showering", I was back to only 2 days this week. I did spend a good 2 hours in heels on Saturday walking around at my shower, can I count that? Monday 45 min pre-natal yoga in a new studio! (WAY better than my current series. I'll try to post about that one in the near future).  Wednesday: 1 hr prenatal yoga. I'm on spring break this coming week, so I'm going to aim back to that 4 day a week!

Best Moment of the Week: My beautiful shower, which I wrote about in the last post. And then second to that was our ultrasound yesterday. It brings tears to my eyes to see those little dudes

What I Look Forward to: Getting the nursery painted this week. Tidy has spring break this coming week so I took the week off as well. I will still have to do some emailing to keep up on, but I can spend the majority of the week getting some projects finished at the house. Also, Tidy and I are going to take a night getaway at a spa near by for a little R&R. My back is in definite need of another massage!!

Dear Babies

We got to see you again yesterday. It's so mind blowing every time we take a peek and see you both thriving inside me. You squirm around and hide from the camera here and there. You change positions and on your stronger movements, I can feel you nudging me. This is one of the most amazing things I have ever had the privilege of doing with my body and I am trying very hard to give you all that you need while you are here.

Here you both are at 22w1d.

There's so much more definition in your faces now. I stare at them and wonder if you are a boy or a girl, what color your hair is, your eyes... I wonder what your personalities are like and how we are going to figure out how to care for you when you enter the world. But most of all, I just can't wait to hold you, comfort you, feed you and get to know you. Tidy and I are so very much in love with you.

He left town this weekend to visit with his family. His brother's birthday is soon and he wanted to have some time to hang out with them. He left a bit after we had our ultrasound and after about an hour into his drive he called me and said how very much he missed you already...

You both have made such a huge impact on our lives in these past 22 weeks ... I can't even begin to imagine how much you are going to change our lives going forward.

Grateful that you are here, loving you more than you will ever know,

Mom & Dad
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And now, the stats:

Status: 22w2d

Weight Gain: I won't weigh in again until about 24 weeks.

Symptoms: Daily movement is still there, and a few aches and pains in my back by the end of the day. I'm so grateful that up to now, I haven't had that much discomfort. I did go for a pregnancy massage on Wednesday and it was fantastic! I'm going to try to stick with at least one a month to help with the tight back.

Cravings: None to speak of

Aversions: Again, none to speak of

Exercise: Back at it this week! Yay! Monday: 60 min spinning class, Wednesday: 45 min lunchtime yoga and 1 hr prenatal yoga. Thursday: 15 min walk with the dog. This week goal - I am getting back in the pool.

Best Moment of the Week: Tidy did get a chance to feel a little kick, just once, and the look on his face was just a split second, but so precious.

What I Look Forward to: Getting the work done on the baby room so we can paint!

Half Way There...

... assuming the average gestation of a twin pregnancy is about 36 weeks (give or take), since today marks 18 weeks, we're half way there. Amazing huh? It goes so friggin fast! I still can't believe it. Even after spending a good hour with our babies today, peering into their brains and hearts and kidneys and stomachs and legs and arms, I still am in awe that they are inside me.

I'm also so grateful, so very very grateful.

We had our 18 week ultrasound today and other than taking a peak at our babies, we did notice that I have a VERY marginal placenta previa, where a tiny tiny edge of Baby A's placenta is covering my cervix. This is a bigger issue later in pregnancy and the hope is that since it is still pretty early, as my uterus grows and expands, the placenta will move with it upwards and away from the cervical opening. It seems that is a pretty likely possibility, per BabyCenter.com, so for now, I am not going to worry. If it stays covering the cervix, a vaginal birth is likely out of the question. If that is the case, then at least my decision will be made for me.

I've been thinking a lot about birth lately. I know my main goal is to have 2 healthy babies, but I'd also really like to have a vaginal birth if the stars align correctly. I know I pretty much can not control the position of the babies and so that will be a huge determination if our OB lets us try a vaginal birth or encourages us to have a C-section without trying vaginally first.

And yes, I am getting a bit ahead of myself, but my mind works this way. I need to understand what the possibilities are, their likelihoods, and then make myself comfortable with each of the outcome. I find I do that best by thinking out loud, or on paper.... thus the blog.

On a more fun note, instead of a picture of my belly this week, I thought I'd share two 3D pictures of the twins. I'm so attached to them already, it's madness. I barely know them, but feel so protective and in love. I simply can not wait to meet them.

Status: 18w0d

Weight Gain: Same status as last week, so I don't know, but I bet it's starting to pile on!

Symptoms: Still headache free (Woot!) and still feeling a few little movements here and there, but nothing consistent yet. At our ultrasound today, it was confirmed that my placentas are anterior, so they put more cushion between the babies and my belly wall. I think this will make those movements a bit harder to feel. As for the gallbladder, still having some pain with more fatty meals, but I did go in for a gall bladder ultrasound yesterday. They didn't find any stones, which is good, but I'm not sure what that means? I have an email into my doctor, so we'll see what she says. Finally, a new symptom of pregnancy, that I'm assuming is going to last, is that by the end of the day, my mid back is sore and a bit angry... Solution??? MORE MASSAGES!! I can handle that :-)

Cravings: Still none really, although tonight, I did have a little hankering for some green pepper pizza, but made some veggy and tofu fried rice instead. I don't think the gallbladder would be up for the pizza.

Aversions: Again, none to speak of

Exercise: Sunday - 3 mile run, Monday - 1 hr spinning, Wednesday - 45 min lunch time yoga at work. What's my excuse this week for only 3 days? It was Restaurant week here! All of the yummy restaurants that you don't normally go to often because they are a bit on the spendy size, do a 3 course meal for $25 per person. So, we had to go to dinner a few nights this week... Had to ;-)

Best Moment of the Week: Today's ultrasound... hands down. Just seeing those babies again, alive in there, moving around and thriving. It brings tears of joy and relief and gratitude to my face. I can't thank the world enough for giving me this chance. I wish I had more words to express this feeling to do it justice.

What I Look Forward to: Making some decisions this weekend on where we are going to register.

New Skin

This new skin I am living in, this pregnancy thing, is so.... different, and yet so right, like I've known how to do this all along...

I should say however, that every now and again, infertility's hold on my fear and my negative expectations gets the best of me.

Today, we went into our health care clinic to get a "dating" ultrasound at 8 weeks are 4 days. It was our second peak inside. I had no reason to worry, really. My symptoms have been pretty consistent (which I'll get to in another post) and we did already see the heartbeats once, so we shouldn't have reason to worry, but that expectation of bad news is SOOO strong. Infertility has done a number on my psyche and sometimes I can't seem to shake it.

I was waiting for Tidy to get there, but he was running late, so the tech called me back and I looked at her and simply burst into tears. I blurted out that it was only our second look inside, and we've been trying for these babies for about 5 years and I'm so scared that we aren't going to see what we need to see today and so I really really wanted to wait for my husband. She was sweet and showed me back to the ultrasound room and to the box of kleenex and let the women at the front desk know to get Tidy back there ASAP, when he showed up.

I was so crippled for a few minutes by true terror that those babies inside me had stopped growing and I didn't want to face this without Tidy. Crippled with a quickened heart rate, streaming hot tears, and panic of bad news.

But I pulled up my big girl pants, and dried my tears and got on that table. And sure enough, we weren't disappointed.  Both babies showed their beautiful heartbeats to the tech and she then turned on the overhead monitor so I could see. I saw them both flickering away, super fast, at 167 beats per minute. Both Baby A and Baby B are also measuring around 2cm, just about 8w4d.

Big... Sigh... of Relief

Big... Jumps... of Joy

A few minutes later, Tidy walked in and I cried even more, sharing with him the good news and just reveling in another moment of this amazing journey we are on and the new skin that I am living in...

... a pregnant woman, with twins.

Grateful can not even begin to describe what I am feeling right now.

Best Birthday Ever!

(This is a long one today, sorry but I just have a lot to say...)

Today is my 37th birthday. I am up because I couldn't sleep. "Snackzilla", as we are calling my ravenous stomach of hunger, woke me up and needed quieting. I fed her, because after all, she's very demanding, and then well, I couldn't get back to bed.

So here I am at 5:30am on a Saturday, when I should be getting much needed rest, but am instead going to recount to you yesterday's events.

It started out by waking up and driving Tidy to his work and then on to mine. We normally don't commute together since we work in opposite directions, but his car got vandalized last weekend and so it is un-drivable. Long story, nothing taken, just punk-ass kids being jerks. It's an old car. It's my first car that I bought out of college, in fact, and we tend to drive our cars into the ground... so it really is time for a new car for Tidy, and this ended up being a good motivator.

Then, at work, I was nervous for 2 reasons, 1) the impending ultrasound later in the afternoon and 2) a first interview for a job that I really want and that would make life more comfortable for us when we have our children if Tidy stays home. I hadn't prepared all that much because this week has just been insane, so I spent the first 2 hours of the day writing down examples and things in my head that I could use in those lovely behavioral based interview questions, blech. Anyways, the interview went really well, I think. And hopefully I will hear back next week if I survived to the next round. Fingers crossed.

With that one big event out of the way for the day, I then started to get very anxious about the ultrasound. So much nervous energy!!! But I still had about 4 hours to go until the appointment, so I dove into getting my desk and "to do" list organized at work... tick. tock. tick. tock.

Finally, as 2:15 turned over on the clock, I quickly shut down my computer, gathered my belongings,  drove back to Tidy's work to pick him up and then on to the clinic. Our u/s was scheduled for 3p and we were there right on the dot. Of course the RE was running a bit behind, so Tidy and I sat in the ultrasound room and chatted, nervously. I felt so anxious and jittery, shaky even. You know that energy that just needs to get out, that you can't help but tap your feet, really really fast...

At about 3:20, our wonderful and talented RE came in and said hello. I asked her what we were hoping to see today and she said, "The gestational sac and the fetal pole. You are 6w1d so I don't need to see a heartbeat. No need yet".  (Secretly I was hoping we would see one, of course). She got the dildo-cam out and turned on the monitor and I laid back and closed my eyes. I didn't want to see her facial expression if we didn't see what we wanted to see. But as soon as she peeked in there, I could hear it in her gasp.... She was happy... tearing up. And so I got brave enough to look...

And we saw our babies, thriving, hearts fluttering away. And yes, I said BABIES!!!!!!!!!!! Yesterday, for the first time in 5 years, we can finally, confidently say we are pregnant, and with TWINS!!!!!! It was the most amazing thing that I have ever seen. And I hope it's just going to get better from here.

Baby A, is measuring at about 5w5d and we could see a flutter, flicker of a heart beat, but my RE couldn't get a signal to count it. Baby B is measuring at 6w0d and the heartbeat was at 108bmp. Both she said were fantastic for this early and the simple fact that we are seeing both heartbeats is just icing on the cake! We'll go back in next week for one more u/s from my RE...

Tidy was so sweet, SO happy. I haven't seen his face that bright in a while. And it warmed my heart. I wish I could remember what he said, but his happy smiling face will be in my memory for a long time. I cried and my RE cried as well. We hugged and talked about a few things, but just mostly looked at each other in utter joy. She has been an amazing partner in this journey with us and I am going to miss her terribly when I have to go on to my OB. We really bonded.

And if those two events weren't enough for one day... we then 1) went to Best Buy, where Tidy bought me an iPad for my birthday... (That little sneak! He got all of my family and his to go in on it together for me) and the 2) We bought Tidy a new car!!!

Phew! What a day before my 37th birthday. On our way home, we picked up a pizza, sat on the couch, ate it, and proceeded to get VERY tired from our emotionally charged day.

So now you are caught up. And here I am, on the morning of my 37th birthday, simply reveling in the fact that we are pregnant, with twins.

Everyone said that they suspected twins with my betas, so maybe this was meant to be all along. I'ts quite appropriate given the name of my blog... Think I should change the name???
Tippy and Tidy's Tumultuous Trip To TWIN Toddlers...  LOL!!!

I Should Be A Surfer

I have learned quite well, how to ride the waves of this journey, even though I'm ready to get out of the water... Sometimes I may fall of my board, sometimes I get pummeled by the wave and am smashed into the sand, but sometimes I actually catch my balance and carve pretty well...

I think right now, I've found a good stance on my board, found my balance, and am able to ride this current wave of a donor cycle, a cycle which I figured would just finally be smooth...I guess not.

Dotty 2.0's ultrasound today showed her ovaries are still a little swollen from her previous cycle and they want to keep her on birth control for just a bit longer. So I'm going to stop my estrogen, stay on lupron, get a period (which shouldn't take too long, but just in time to be up north at my parent's cabin for the weekend.. yay), and then start estrogen again and a week from then, we'll re-check my lining and see if her ovaries have chilled out and ready for a new cycle...

Speaking of chilling out, it's my "Friday" night as I'm off work for the next 4 days. I just got back from a pedicure with my sweet friend J, poured myself a glass of wine and am ready to forget that I am still surfing the waves of infertility for a few days.

Enjoy the long weekend everyone, the end of summer, and hopefully a beginning of a beautiful fall... waves and all.

Quick Update

Dotty 2.0 went in this past Tuesday for a quick 'look see' at her ovaries. All looks pretty good, but she's got some stuff still resolving on one of her ovaries, likely from her recent cycle. She's going back in tomorrow to see if it's resolving and if so, stims start on Friday after a lining check for me...

Ya know, I'm really really really calm right now about all of this. For some reason, after my big freak out a few weeks back about the length of time I'm going to be in a 'holding pattern' on estrogen and lupron, I've just let it all go...

I don't know if it's because work is just so insanely busy right now and I literally have no time to focus on this? Or if it's because I'm just learning how to let things go?

Regardless, it feels good today to not be anxious about the timing of all of this and about what the answer tomorrow will be.... I've found my Zen :-)

(Remind me of this when we finally get to the 2ww, k?)

Really? When Does the Bad News Stop?

A quick update while I gather my thoughts and figure out how to go into my next meeting at work without bawling my eyes out.

My RE called to give me the update from Dotty's 1st monitoring appointment this morning and when SHE calls, as opposed to the nurse, that's not good.

Dotty's ovaries aren't responding to the meds...

FUCK.

We're going to give her three more days on the meds to see if her ovaries decide to wake up, but we may be faced with scrapping her and starting over with a new donor.

I'm  so so so so so sick of bad news.

Lush Lining

There is definitely a theme to this cycle, and that theme is the letter "L".  Maybe that just means it will finally be my lucky cycle, huh? (Yeah, reaching... I know... but a girl can try, right?)

A few days ago, I posted about my "Lupron Limbo" and now it seems that I have a "Lush Lining", lush enough to decide that it's just too pretty to pass up and our FET will now, not only NOT be delayed, but moved forward about 5 days from the original plan (pre-Lupron Limbo). We will now be PUPO on MONDAY!

Here's how we came to that decision: I went into the RE today to check to see if the follicle that I had been growing while on Lupron (which, my RE says usually only happens about 5-6 times a year for them) had shrunk after a week more on Lupron. And of course, as I had known yesterday after a nice showing of the fertile lady juice, it had not only NOT shrunk, but had grown from a measly 14mm to a nice big whopping ripe follicle of 23mm.  So of course I was thinking our FET would most definitely be delayed until mid May.

But, my lining was a beautiful thick and luscious 10mm.

So my RE's husband, who just so happens to also be an RE at the same clinic and was doing the ultrasound this morning, said, "Wow! Look at that lining! Picture perfect. This is just too good too pass up. Let's see if you haven't already ovulated (by taking my progesterone and LH levels) and if not, we'll trigger that follicle and do the transfer early next week"

WHAAAA?

I didn't even know that was a possibility! This isn't a natural FET, because I was on Lupron, but it also didn't take any estrogen to prep my lining because it was all my own... So what do you even call this?

So they drew my blood and after it confirmed that the big, fat 23mm follicle has not ovulated, they said it's a go! I am to trigger that sucker tomorrow and start my progesterone this weekend and we will thaw and hopefully transfer all 3 of my remaining day-2 embryos from my January IVF cycle on Monday and as quick as that, I'll be back in the 2ww.

I must say, I really like this way of going through a cycle... not even knowing you are prepping for it makes it all that much quicker.

And then tonight, it occurred to me, we can also not only use our frozen embryos but we've got a nice ripe follicle to boot... and with a little "hubba hubba" (for those Simpson's fans out there think the episode abotu  Mindy) this weekend, there's a possibility (albeit an infinitesimally small possibility) that we could be the proud parents of quadruplets 9 months from now. Now wouldn't that just be a dramatic way to end a fertility journey... ha!

Seriously though, at least one would be fantastic.