New Skin

This new skin I am living in, this pregnancy thing, is so.... different, and yet so right, like I've known how to do this all along...

I should say however, that every now and again, infertility's hold on my fear and my negative expectations gets the best of me.

Today, we went into our health care clinic to get a "dating" ultrasound at 8 weeks are 4 days. It was our second peak inside. I had no reason to worry, really. My symptoms have been pretty consistent (which I'll get to in another post) and we did already see the heartbeats once, so we shouldn't have reason to worry, but that expectation of bad news is SOOO strong. Infertility has done a number on my psyche and sometimes I can't seem to shake it.

I was waiting for Tidy to get there, but he was running late, so the tech called me back and I looked at her and simply burst into tears. I blurted out that it was only our second look inside, and we've been trying for these babies for about 5 years and I'm so scared that we aren't going to see what we need to see today and so I really really wanted to wait for my husband. She was sweet and showed me back to the ultrasound room and to the box of kleenex and let the women at the front desk know to get Tidy back there ASAP, when he showed up.

I was so crippled for a few minutes by true terror that those babies inside me had stopped growing and I didn't want to face this without Tidy. Crippled with a quickened heart rate, streaming hot tears, and panic of bad news.

But I pulled up my big girl pants, and dried my tears and got on that table. And sure enough, we weren't disappointed.  Both babies showed their beautiful heartbeats to the tech and she then turned on the overhead monitor so I could see. I saw them both flickering away, super fast, at 167 beats per minute. Both Baby A and Baby B are also measuring around 2cm, just about 8w4d.

Big... Sigh... of Relief

Big... Jumps... of Joy

A few minutes later, Tidy walked in and I cried even more, sharing with him the good news and just reveling in another moment of this amazing journey we are on and the new skin that I am living in...

... a pregnant woman, with twins.

Grateful can not even begin to describe what I am feeling right now.

Best Birthday Ever!

(This is a long one today, sorry but I just have a lot to say...)

Today is my 37th birthday. I am up because I couldn't sleep. "Snackzilla", as we are calling my ravenous stomach of hunger, woke me up and needed quieting. I fed her, because after all, she's very demanding, and then well, I couldn't get back to bed.

So here I am at 5:30am on a Saturday, when I should be getting much needed rest, but am instead going to recount to you yesterday's events.

It started out by waking up and driving Tidy to his work and then on to mine. We normally don't commute together since we work in opposite directions, but his car got vandalized last weekend and so it is un-drivable. Long story, nothing taken, just punk-ass kids being jerks. It's an old car. It's my first car that I bought out of college, in fact, and we tend to drive our cars into the ground... so it really is time for a new car for Tidy, and this ended up being a good motivator.

Then, at work, I was nervous for 2 reasons, 1) the impending ultrasound later in the afternoon and 2) a first interview for a job that I really want and that would make life more comfortable for us when we have our children if Tidy stays home. I hadn't prepared all that much because this week has just been insane, so I spent the first 2 hours of the day writing down examples and things in my head that I could use in those lovely behavioral based interview questions, blech. Anyways, the interview went really well, I think. And hopefully I will hear back next week if I survived to the next round. Fingers crossed.

With that one big event out of the way for the day, I then started to get very anxious about the ultrasound. So much nervous energy!!! But I still had about 4 hours to go until the appointment, so I dove into getting my desk and "to do" list organized at work... tick. tock. tick. tock.

Finally, as 2:15 turned over on the clock, I quickly shut down my computer, gathered my belongings,  drove back to Tidy's work to pick him up and then on to the clinic. Our u/s was scheduled for 3p and we were there right on the dot. Of course the RE was running a bit behind, so Tidy and I sat in the ultrasound room and chatted, nervously. I felt so anxious and jittery, shaky even. You know that energy that just needs to get out, that you can't help but tap your feet, really really fast...

At about 3:20, our wonderful and talented RE came in and said hello. I asked her what we were hoping to see today and she said, "The gestational sac and the fetal pole. You are 6w1d so I don't need to see a heartbeat. No need yet".  (Secretly I was hoping we would see one, of course). She got the dildo-cam out and turned on the monitor and I laid back and closed my eyes. I didn't want to see her facial expression if we didn't see what we wanted to see. But as soon as she peeked in there, I could hear it in her gasp.... She was happy... tearing up. And so I got brave enough to look...

And we saw our babies, thriving, hearts fluttering away. And yes, I said BABIES!!!!!!!!!!! Yesterday, for the first time in 5 years, we can finally, confidently say we are pregnant, and with TWINS!!!!!! It was the most amazing thing that I have ever seen. And I hope it's just going to get better from here.

Baby A, is measuring at about 5w5d and we could see a flutter, flicker of a heart beat, but my RE couldn't get a signal to count it. Baby B is measuring at 6w0d and the heartbeat was at 108bmp. Both she said were fantastic for this early and the simple fact that we are seeing both heartbeats is just icing on the cake! We'll go back in next week for one more u/s from my RE...

Tidy was so sweet, SO happy. I haven't seen his face that bright in a while. And it warmed my heart. I wish I could remember what he said, but his happy smiling face will be in my memory for a long time. I cried and my RE cried as well. We hugged and talked about a few things, but just mostly looked at each other in utter joy. She has been an amazing partner in this journey with us and I am going to miss her terribly when I have to go on to my OB. We really bonded.

And if those two events weren't enough for one day... we then 1) went to Best Buy, where Tidy bought me an iPad for my birthday... (That little sneak! He got all of my family and his to go in on it together for me) and the 2) We bought Tidy a new car!!!

Phew! What a day before my 37th birthday. On our way home, we picked up a pizza, sat on the couch, ate it, and proceeded to get VERY tired from our emotionally charged day.

So now you are caught up. And here I am, on the morning of my 37th birthday, simply reveling in the fact that we are pregnant, with twins.

Everyone said that they suspected twins with my betas, so maybe this was meant to be all along. I'ts quite appropriate given the name of my blog... Think I should change the name???
Tippy and Tidy's Tumultuous Trip To TWIN Toddlers...  LOL!!!