What I Haven't Learned

After all of these years struggling with infertility, you would think that I would have learned better to roll with the punches, to "stay in the moment" and appreciate all of the good.

For the most part I think I have. I let much of the small stuff slide off, well, except for this morning when I was really really excited for a creamy cup of decaf coffee but 1) the half and half was nearly gone and 2) all of the decaf was already combined withe the caffeinated coffee (Tidy drinks half decaf) in the container so my morning was foiled... GRRR.

Ok, anyways..  back to my story.

At our 30 week ultrasound, when we thought the growth of the babies was diverging and my OB predicted a high chance of a C-section, we also learned that baby B was presenting (closest to the exit) and was breech and baby A was fundal (further at the top of the uterus) and transverse.  Here's a picture of what they kind of look like.

So I've spent much of my time these past few weeks trying to understand how likely it is that baby B will flip vertex, or maybe baby A will nudge baby B away from the exit and move in for the save. (I've also spent much of my time inverted, using moxa sticks, doing acupuncture and chiropractic care )... But it seems that if the twins haven't moved by 36 weeks, it's very very highly unlikely that they will after that. And a few days ago we passed our 36 week mark and also had an ultrasound, which confirmed the babies were still in the same unfavorable-for-a-vaginal-delivery position.

On the very very bright side, the babies are doing great. Both are estimated to be just shy of 6 lbs each, and we got to see that they both are practicing breathing. Their lungs are moving to get ready for the world outside. Cool, huh?

But I must say that I had gotten my hopes up that baby B, the breech one, had flipped... you see, I have a heart beat monitor at home that I use from time to time just to check in. And I had been used to hearing both of the heat tones near my belly button... but then early last weekend, I checked again and baby B's heart tone had moved way down to near the exit. This of course got my mind spinning that my baby B had actually spun!! So I was all proud of my babies for listening to my wishes and hopeful that when we went into to see them early this week we would see that one to be head down.

No dice though.

And then with that, I had to re-grieve this sense of loss I feel about not being able to have a vaginal birth. It was quicker this time than the last discussion with my OB. More so, however, I was mad at myself for 1) getting my hopes up and 2) allowing that disappointment to cloud my thoughts for a few days.

I mean, come on Tippy, things are going great! You are 36 + weeks with twins who are thriving feeling little to nothing to complain about. You are going to finally hold these babies in your hands in the very near future... the babies you have longed for for 5 years. This C-section business is just a blip in the road. Yes, it's ok to feel the disappointment, and have wanted it to go differently, but it is not ok to let it taint these last few weeks of anticipation as you meet your babies.

So I woke up a few mornings ago after a day of sadness, with the intention of trying to just stay focused on the present moment and the positive healthy babies that we will get to meet soon.

Isn't this cycle of disappointment though, similar to those feelings of failure with a negative cycle, or a 2nd or 3rd chemical pregnancy? It's not the SAME disappointment, but just a similar cycle of thought. So apparently I still have some learning/growing to do in my ability to roll with the punches.

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And now the stats

Status: 36w2d

Weight Gain: I'll weigh in again this coming Friday.

Symptoms:  Carpel tunnel is still around. Hormone swings are annoying too. I also had more (TMI) mucus this morning... so maybe that mucus plug is starting to thing out.

Cravings: None to speak of

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  Still doing my once a week prenatal yoga and once a week prenatal pilates. Also went to the gym last night for a swim. It felt SOO good. I swam and kicked a half mile. The pool is amazing for taking all of that baby weight off of your body. It feels like I'm not pregnant at all.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing the twins again at the ultrasound and hearing that they have some hair on their heads and also seeing their lungs move to a rhythm to help prepare them for the outside world. Yay babies!

What I Look Forward to: Similar to last week, I think all of my forward looking thoughts are to holding these babies and to nuzzling with them. It's going to be here soon and I want to really really appreciate these last few days/weeks and know that we were joyful in their anticipation.