Dotty 2.0 went in this past Tuesday for a quick 'look see' at her ovaries. All looks pretty good, but she's got some stuff still resolving on one of her ovaries, likely from her recent cycle. She's going back in tomorrow to see if it's resolving and if so, stims start on Friday after a lining check for me...
Ya know, I'm really really really calm right now about all of this. For some reason, after my big freak out a few weeks back about the length of time I'm going to be in a 'holding pattern' on estrogen and lupron, I've just let it all go...
I don't know if it's because work is just so insanely busy right now and I literally have no time to focus on this? Or if it's because I'm just learning how to let things go?
Regardless, it feels good today to not be anxious about the timing of all of this and about what the answer tomorrow will be.... I've found my Zen :-)
(Remind me of this when we finally get to the 2ww, k?)
Showing posts with label Uterine Lining. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Uterine Lining. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Cycling Sucks Ass
Warning, there may be a bit of profanity here and there in this post. I'm venting...
I'm not sure if I'm just a big-time control-freak and freaking out over nothing, or if I'm trying to do every possible thing I can to give us our best shot at a baby. I'm so overwhelmed by all of the little details that I want to control and/or prevent from happening, that I find myself panicking in the car on my way home from work.
Logically, I know why this is:
As I explained in one of my prior posts on the timeline of our donor cycle, I will be growing my uterine lining (which I've started growing) for almost 5 weeks before we get a chance to start Progesterone on the day of retrieval. In a normal female cycle, this 'growing' phase is the same as the 'follicular' phase and it usually last about 14 days.
The combination of Lupron and Estrogen allow my body to stay stalled out, mimicking the 'follicular' phase for a lot longer than normal, until Dotty is ready for her retrieval. Some RE's don't have the intended mother (that's me!!!!!) in this holding pattern for so long by hedging their bets that the intended mother's lining will grow properly and start the donor on her stims sooner than my RE starts hers. So maybe the intended mother's lining is only in a holding pattern for a week extra or so, instead of 3 extra that mine will be in.
Usually this is all well and good, but SOME women, for reasons unknown to me, actually have their lining fall apart before they get to retrieval. My RE's office estimates that it's somewhere between 1 in 10 and 1 in 20 women get to their final lining check, the day before the donor's egg retrieval, and their lining simply couldn't stay together that long... even with all the meds to tell it to just hang out. In this case, the donor still goes through the retrieval, the intended father still donates his swimmers, the eggs still get fertilized, and they they do a freeze all and prep the intended mother for a frozen transfer...
And if this happens to me, I will be spending way too much fucking money to do a frozen fucking transfer... !!! I WOULD BE SO PISSED!!! Especially when, in my mind, I think it's preventable.
Yes, yes, I know that FET's work, especially with donor eggs, and yes I know I would still a great chance at success, but right now, I'm just so anxious that I'm going to be that 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 women who's lining is going to not hold on in that holding pattern and mess, once again, in our attempt to have a baby. I mean, it feels like every other time we need my body to do something, it decides not to obey. Why should this be different?
FUCK! I'm so over this right now. I'm so sick having to think of all of these little what's if's and make adjust for them.
So you're saying to yourself, Tippy... TIppy... just breathe, don't get so ahead of yourself. OH!, and why can't you just have your donor start a week or so earlier?
Well, I did ask our NP last week to see if it would be ok, but alas, Dotty is out of town at the end of this week. Oh, and did I mention that at my clinic, they only start donors on their stims on either Thursday or Friday (I HATE when they put these restrictions on things... can't they work 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year for me????) So if it's not this week (which it's not), it's next week...
Anyways, I'm venting quite a bit here and while I don't actually feel better after letting it all out, at least I have this documented somehow so that if I have to go back and scream at my clinic because if I end up being that lucky 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 woman, I will have it all logically written out.
Am I crazy? Really, am I? I certainly feel like it lately.
(Let's blame it on all this damn estrogen that I'm taking)
I'm not sure if I'm just a big-time control-freak and freaking out over nothing, or if I'm trying to do every possible thing I can to give us our best shot at a baby. I'm so overwhelmed by all of the little details that I want to control and/or prevent from happening, that I find myself panicking in the car on my way home from work.
Logically, I know why this is:
- I am not growing the eggs this time, so I really have nothing other to do than grow a beautiful, healthy landing zone for those embabies. I'm letting go of some of the control I usually have and that's very hard for me. Have those of you who have gone through donor eggs cycles felt the same?
- We are spending thirty. fucking. thousand. dollars. on ONE shot at having a baby.
- After so many years of shitty disappointments and underperformances, why would I expect anything but that going forward? At some point, yes, this will be over, but right now I just feel like we need to do everything we can to get me to a fresh transfer with some healthy embryos.
As I explained in one of my prior posts on the timeline of our donor cycle, I will be growing my uterine lining (which I've started growing) for almost 5 weeks before we get a chance to start Progesterone on the day of retrieval. In a normal female cycle, this 'growing' phase is the same as the 'follicular' phase and it usually last about 14 days.
The combination of Lupron and Estrogen allow my body to stay stalled out, mimicking the 'follicular' phase for a lot longer than normal, until Dotty is ready for her retrieval. Some RE's don't have the intended mother (that's me!!!!!) in this holding pattern for so long by hedging their bets that the intended mother's lining will grow properly and start the donor on her stims sooner than my RE starts hers. So maybe the intended mother's lining is only in a holding pattern for a week extra or so, instead of 3 extra that mine will be in.
Usually this is all well and good, but SOME women, for reasons unknown to me, actually have their lining fall apart before they get to retrieval. My RE's office estimates that it's somewhere between 1 in 10 and 1 in 20 women get to their final lining check, the day before the donor's egg retrieval, and their lining simply couldn't stay together that long... even with all the meds to tell it to just hang out. In this case, the donor still goes through the retrieval, the intended father still donates his swimmers, the eggs still get fertilized, and they they do a freeze all and prep the intended mother for a frozen transfer...
And if this happens to me, I will be spending way too much fucking money to do a frozen fucking transfer... !!! I WOULD BE SO PISSED!!! Especially when, in my mind, I think it's preventable.
Yes, yes, I know that FET's work, especially with donor eggs, and yes I know I would still a great chance at success, but right now, I'm just so anxious that I'm going to be that 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 women who's lining is going to not hold on in that holding pattern and mess, once again, in our attempt to have a baby. I mean, it feels like every other time we need my body to do something, it decides not to obey. Why should this be different?
FUCK! I'm so over this right now. I'm so sick having to think of all of these little what's if's and make adjust for them.
So you're saying to yourself, Tippy... TIppy... just breathe, don't get so ahead of yourself. OH!, and why can't you just have your donor start a week or so earlier?
Well, I did ask our NP last week to see if it would be ok, but alas, Dotty is out of town at the end of this week. Oh, and did I mention that at my clinic, they only start donors on their stims on either Thursday or Friday (I HATE when they put these restrictions on things... can't they work 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year for me????) So if it's not this week (which it's not), it's next week...
Anyways, I'm venting quite a bit here and while I don't actually feel better after letting it all out, at least I have this documented somehow so that if I have to go back and scream at my clinic because if I end up being that lucky 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 woman, I will have it all logically written out.
Am I crazy? Really, am I? I certainly feel like it lately.
(Let's blame it on all this damn estrogen that I'm taking)
Labels:
Donor Eggs,
Fear,
FET,
Uterine Lining
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