Tuesday, October 23, 2012

A resolution and little dancing hands

Writing my last post really helped me free some of the frustration I was feeling and re-focus my energy.

I've resolve to do the following:

  1. I will stop reading about everyone else's "perfect" kids on the internet and how they got there. I don't need to get anywhere. I am here.
  2. I will stop asking for advice since everyone has some and they usually feel very strongly about it. I don't need advice. Every kid and family is different.
  3. I will trust my instincts... I will take the time to listen to them.
I can now let go of the fact that my babies aren't sleeping exactly like babycenter.com says they should be and just focus on them. I can be comfortable in the uncomfort, in the unpredictable-ness of their ever changing patterns and I can be hopeful in the trends that we are starting to see. But mostly, and I say this because this is hard for me, the analytical, process following, predictable natured mathematician... mostly I can just let go and really really just enjoy these babies and their ever changing natures.

They are absolutely fascinating. Truly. Every day I see them again after work, or when I wake in the morning on my days off, I am in utter awe of their inquisitiveness, of their seeming growth over the night, of their sweet sweet souls. And I am in love... deep deep love. 

Here's an example of the moments with them that I want to absorb, relish, dive into and just experience: 

My little M&M and I have developed a dance we do with our hands when she nurses, especially at at night. She is a very delicate nurser, light in my arms and quiet at my breast. Her hands explore and reach out for mine. She's only 4.5 months old and yet she seems to want to grab and move and caress my own hands, exploring the space between my fingers and pulling and pushing my fingers in various directions as she nourishes herself. Eventually, deep in the night, her little fingers slow down and she rests my finger on her chest, her sucking slows and I gently persuade her back to her bed. But as I do this, I think to myself, burn these memories into your brain, Tippy, because this too shall pass... 

It's a very tender time in my mind, since during the day, she's so alert and attentive to the environment and goings on around her that her attention darts from place to place. Once in a while she will sit on my lap and look at me, smile and coo and coo and coo, telling me about her day. These moments shoot me forward a few years into when she will be talking. I envision myself coming home from work and she greeting me, babbling excitedly about her day, wanting to tell me every little detail of the new things she saw and learned. But for now, I hold on dear to those little sweet hands when they reach out for mine and hope at some level, she always wants to hold my hand.

(a post on the bean burrito yet to come...)

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Big Girl Pants

No, my 4 month old daughter is not potty trained...

I'm referring to me.

I've used this expression a lot lately, even though maybe I just made it up in my head. I intend it to mean that I just need to suck it up and "put on my big girl pants" and go do what I need to do instead of worrying about other things that I can not control at the moment.

I'm 7 weeks back into being a working mom and it is really the most challenging thing that I have done as of late. I feel like I've lost all of my good coping skills that I had learned when going through years of infertility. Somehow, I can't seem to translate those skills to this new environment. Maybe the sleep deprivation has something to do with it.

Here are the issues:
  1. Our babies suck at sleep, ie, the wake every 2-3 hours in the middle of the night. BabyCenter tells me that they should be sleeping much better. (Fuck you Baby Center)
  2. Our babies suck at GOING to sleep. It takes us a few hours of pacifier replacements and rocking and some feeding to get them to sleep at night. (PLEASE do not tell me to cry it out, do not tell me that I need to put them to bed earlier, or later or in a different room... blah blah blah. Just please refrain from telling me what to do. I've heard it all and I don't need your advice. I'm cranky because of the sleep deprivation, so hearing others advice might just make me even crankier. Thanks... No offense)
  3. Our babies are sleeping in their car seats... still. And every time we try to get them to sleep in their cribs, it fails. (Again, PLEASE.. no advice... we are trying)
  4. I'm working and at work I have way too much on my team's plate and we have some very near deadlines and I don't feel comfortable with everything that we have to get done.
  5. Tidy's at home with the babies where I would rather be. He's doing a great job. I'm proud of him. But he's not doing the job exactly the way I would be doing it. I know that me trying to micro manage his parenting and stay at home dad groove is NOT the direction we need to go in for the health of both of our minds and our marriage, but it just makes me wish that I was home with them too.
  6. Tidy's a stay at home dad and he doesn't outwardly seem as excited about it as I THINK that I would feel if I was staying at home. (Notice the word Think.... I can not truly say how I would feel since I don't do it.)
  7. I'm tired.. have I mentioned that?
Because of these issues, I feel like I'm not living the best life that I can be right now.When I'm at work thinking about how  my babies are doing and what I would be doing with them if I were there. When I'm at home, I'm worrying about the work my team has to accomplish and if I am motivating them enough to do the best job or communicating with them enough to give them knowledge they need to do their jobs.

And then on top of that, I realize that I am cranky a lot and I do not want to look back on this time with that haze around it. I don't want to regret missing things or not just being present when I am with my children.

Parenting is hard (No shit, you say...). Parenting twins is hard (Again, no shit). But what is even harder, in my opinion, is to stop the anger, resentment, frustration and negativity in my brain, put on my big girl pants and just accept this working mom thing as the role that I have to play in my life and play it well.

Playing it well means then that I am present at work when I am at work and present at home when I am at home. Playing it well means not getting frustrated at Tidy or at the lack of sleep I am getting and just acknowledge the two beautiful lives that are present in ours and enjoy them. Playing it well means not getting anxious that they aren't sleeping the way the "Internet" says they should be sleeping and just gently try to work towards getting there... because we will get there.... right?


Thanks for letting me vent today. I needed it.

I also desperately need a hair cut. So I'm going to do that tonight instead of worry about how many times I need to go back in and put the pacifier in my sweet M&M's little mouth.

Sunday, October 7, 2012


One year ago from 10/6, yesterday, a very giving woman (who we coined Dotty 2.0), went into our fertility clinic and donated her eggs to us, 24 in fact. Tidy went in around the same time and within a few hours, the bean burrito and M&M were conceived.

It's crazy to think about that....

I just went back and read my post from that day. It was a somewhat sad post. I do remember feeling like I had no hand in that day, that so much excitement was going on but I had nothing to do with it. I also felt sad for the loss of my own genetics, but I'm lucky that I some wise friends to give me support.

A year later, as I know the result of those beautiful 24 eggs from our very generous donor, I jump for joy in what they brought us: And end to the pain of struggling, a new hope of some success, and 9 months later, the other best day of my life (other to my wedding day)... the birth of our children.

Children... I have 2! A son, a daughter. It's overwhelming to think this... mind blowing. And you know what? The fact that they are not genetically related to me rarely, if ever, crosses my mind. M&M and the Bean Burrito are my babies. Full stop.

(and Tidy's too, of course)

So yesterday, and over the next few days, I will relive these hopeful moments in my mind. The egg retrieval, our trip to watch Tidy run a marathon that Sunday. My sister L and I running around the course, me waiting anxiously daily for our embryo reports and then a few days later, the transfer of two perfect blasts... I'm feeling sentimental and grateful... so so grateful.

And for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of our 2 miracles, one year from the day their were conceived. Heartbreakingly beautiful.


As for us on the home front, things are going well. They are just shy of 17 weeks and moving right along. M&M is still pretty fussy. She's on reflux meds which are helping a lot, but she goes from 0-60 in seconds flat. Bean Burrito is a bit calmer, but his fussiness level has increased lately. It makes me think that the are both going through some major development changes. We are working on getting a schedule established. 7pm bed time, a few long naps during the day, but they seem to have 'regressed' a little on sleep. They wake up more often now than they did say a month ago. We put them to bed at 7 fairly easily but then they seem to wake up a half hour to an hour later not realizing that it's the time they should be taking their "long nap". They used to sleep through the night, but now they are waking up again every few hours. It's making for a very tired mamma and pappa, especially come 5:30 am when I have to get up and get ready for work.  I'm hoping this is just a developmental phase they are going through and that in a month or so they will go back to better sleeping. 

They have their 4 month shots this coming friday and then we are heading back to where both of our parents live next weekend for a family party with my relatives to meet the babies. My dad is calling it "Twin-palloza"... I'm really looking forward to it, but a bit anxious that it will over-stimulate them and we will have some major cranky babies to deal with. We'll do our best to swoop in and get them some naps during the party. Keep your fingers crossed!