Cycling Sucks Ass

Warning, there may be a bit of profanity here and there in this post. I'm venting...
 
I'm not sure if I'm just a big-time control-freak and freaking out over nothing, or if I'm trying to do every possible thing I can to give us our best shot at a baby. I'm so overwhelmed by all of the little details that I want to control and/or prevent from happening, that I find myself panicking in the car on my way home from work.

Logically, I know why this is:

1. I am not growing the eggs this time, so I really have nothing other to do than grow a beautiful, healthy landing zone for those embabies. I'm letting go of some of the control I usually have and that's very hard for me. Have those of you who have gone through donor eggs cycles felt the same?
2. We are spending thirty. fucking. thousand. dollars. on ONE shot at having a baby.
3. After so many years of shitty disappointments and underperformances, why would I expect anything but that going forward? At some point, yes, this will be over, but right now I just feel like we need to do everything we can to get me to a fresh transfer with some healthy embryos.

So here's the deal... and why I need to vent...

As I explained in one of my prior posts on the timeline of our donor cycle, I will be growing my uterine lining (which I've started growing) for almost 5 weeks before we get a chance to start Progesterone on the day of retrieval. In a normal female cycle, this 'growing' phase is the same as the 'follicular' phase and it usually last about 14 days.

The combination of Lupron and Estrogen allow my body to stay stalled out, mimicking the 'follicular' phase for a lot longer than normal, until Dotty is ready for her retrieval. Some RE's don't have the intended mother (that's me!!!!!) in this holding pattern for so long by hedging their bets that the intended mother's lining will grow properly and start the donor on her stims sooner than my RE starts hers. So maybe the intended mother's lining is only in a holding pattern for a week extra or so, instead of 3 extra that mine will be in.

Usually this is all well and good, but SOME women, for reasons unknown to me, actually have their lining fall apart before they get to retrieval. My RE's office estimates that it's somewhere between 1 in 10 and 1 in 20 women get to their final lining check, the day before the donor's egg retrieval, and their lining simply couldn't stay together that long... even with all the meds to tell it to just hang out. In this case, the donor still goes through the retrieval, the intended father still donates his swimmers, the eggs still get fertilized, and they they do a freeze all and prep the intended mother for a frozen transfer...

And if this happens to me, I will be spending way too much fucking money to do a frozen fucking transfer... !!! I WOULD BE SO PISSED!!! Especially when, in my mind, I think it's preventable.

Yes, yes, I know that FET's work, especially with donor eggs, and yes I know I would still a great chance at success, but right now, I'm just so anxious that I'm going to be that 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 women who's lining is going to not hold on in that holding pattern and mess, once again, in our attempt to have a baby. I mean, it feels like every other time we need my body to do something, it decides not to obey. Why should this be different?

FUCK! I'm so over this right now. I'm so sick having to think of all of these little what's if's and make adjust for them.

So you're saying to yourself, Tippy... TIppy... just breathe, don't get so ahead of yourself. OH!, and why can't you just have your donor start a week or so earlier?

Well, I did ask our NP last week to see if it would be ok, but alas, Dotty is out of town at the end of this week. Oh, and did I mention that at my clinic, they only start donors on their stims on either Thursday or Friday (I HATE when they put these restrictions on things... can't they work 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year for me????)  So if it's not this week (which it's not), it's next week...

Anyways, I'm venting quite a bit here and while I don't actually feel better after letting it all out, at least I have this documented somehow so that if I have to go back and scream at my clinic because if I end up being that lucky 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 woman, I will have it all logically written out.

Am I crazy? Really, am I? I certainly feel like it lately.

(Let's blame it on all this damn estrogen that I'm taking)

Another One Bites the Dust

Beta went down to 9.8
Stopping all meds.
I can't say I'm surprised, but it still stings.

I'll write more later, for now, I just need  a little quite time and a big glass of wine.

Lush Lining

There is definitely a theme to this cycle, and that theme is the letter "L".  Maybe that just means it will finally be my lucky cycle, huh? (Yeah, reaching... I know... but a girl can try, right?)

A few days ago, I posted about my "Lupron Limbo" and now it seems that I have a "Lush Lining", lush enough to decide that it's just too pretty to pass up and our FET will now, not only NOT be delayed, but moved forward about 5 days from the original plan (pre-Lupron Limbo). We will now be PUPO on MONDAY!

Here's how we came to that decision: I went into the RE today to check to see if the follicle that I had been growing while on Lupron (which, my RE says usually only happens about 5-6 times a year for them) had shrunk after a week more on Lupron. And of course, as I had known yesterday after a nice showing of the fertile lady juice, it had not only NOT shrunk, but had grown from a measly 14mm to a nice big whopping ripe follicle of 23mm.  So of course I was thinking our FET would most definitely be delayed until mid May.

But, my lining was a beautiful thick and luscious 10mm.

So my RE's husband, who just so happens to also be an RE at the same clinic and was doing the ultrasound this morning, said, "Wow! Look at that lining! Picture perfect. This is just too good too pass up. Let's see if you haven't already ovulated (by taking my progesterone and LH levels) and if not, we'll trigger that follicle and do the transfer early next week"

WHAAAA?

I didn't even know that was a possibility! This isn't a natural FET, because I was on Lupron, but it also didn't take any estrogen to prep my lining because it was all my own... So what do you even call this?

So they drew my blood and after it confirmed that the big, fat 23mm follicle has not ovulated, they said it's a go! I am to trigger that sucker tomorrow and start my progesterone this weekend and we will thaw and hopefully transfer all 3 of my remaining day-2 embryos from my January IVF cycle on Monday and as quick as that, I'll be back in the 2ww.

I must say, I really like this way of going through a cycle... not even knowing you are prepping for it makes it all that much quicker.

And then tonight, it occurred to me, we can also not only use our frozen embryos but we've got a nice ripe follicle to boot... and with a little "hubba hubba" (for those Simpson's fans out there think the episode abotu  Mindy) this weekend, there's a possibility (albeit an infinitesimally small possibility) that we could be the proud parents of quadruplets 9 months from now. Now wouldn't that just be a dramatic way to end a fertility journey... ha!

Seriously though, at least one would be fantastic.

Lupron Limbo

I went into my RE today for my baseline ultrasound to see if my body was suppressed enough by the Lupron so we could start our FET cycle... After 4 years and 4+ IVF cycles, I've been getting pretty good at looking at my ovaries on a sonogram screen. As soon as my right ovary came into view and focus, I knew right away that our FET would be on hold.

My body just didn''t want to listen to the Lupron this month and it decided to grow its own follicle... grrr. 1 follicle, 15mm, E2 = 102. And today is CD5 after my birth control period.  Oh, and a bunch of antral follicles to boot. So I have to stay on Lupron for a week and go back in to see if it has shrunk. But my hunch is that it won't (ie, it's a "functional cyst") and we'll have to be sidelined for one more month.

But I'm not really that upset. I guess maybe because I've been through this so many times (not the growing follicle thing, but just cycling in general) that what's one more month, right? And part of me thinks that maybe, just maybe, this is the universe's way of saying, hold on girlie... your brother is getting married out of town in early December and there's no way we want you to be late in your third trimester during his wedding, especially since it involves an airplane ride and such. So we'd better make you wait another month or so... Gee, thanks universe... really... thanks... because, um, we could have just done this a few months ago instead when I did my IVF clinical trial and already HAD the baby by his wedding....but NO...

I digress.

So here we stand, in Lupron Limbo for another week, and most likely another month...

Oh, and a strange side note for those of you who believe that our bodies should be and used to be more in tune with nature. The 'functional cyst' thing that happens to many of us in an IVF cycle when they are trying to suppress us with luteal phase lupron, occurs MUCH more frequently during the spring (per my RE).... hmmmm..... Spring = Fertile time of the year?????

I think it just goes to show you that no matter how much we try to and think we can control the human body, there are other forces out there at work laughing at our futile attempts.

Gracias, Mexico

A week can do wonders, especially when it's a week on a beach in Mexico.

Tidy and I had a great time together. We EVEN had sex for fun!!! Can you believe it? A 4+ year veteran of the infertility world having sex.... for ... FUN???  Wow.

Needless to say, it was a welcome break.

I also fell in love again... twice... once with an old friend (tequila) and once with a new friend (chilaquiles). I love Mexico.

But now it's back to reality and in the past two days since we've been back, reality has hit me hard. I've already cried to Tidy a few times, saying, "Take me back there! I wanna go back!!!"

First, I started Lupron for my FET during the latter half of my trip. I was really proud of myself for not bruising my belly and was able to still wear my bikini the whole time! I go in for my baseline this Thursday and am hoping that I am suppressed enough so that I can start my estrogen. Even though an FET is way less stressful than an IVF cycle, I still am anxious about getting into the 2ww again and getting my hopes up. Moreso, I'm anxious that we made the right decision to put these embryos back in me and not into a surrogate or even try to test them for chromosomal issues... but in the end, I didn't want to risk not having these embryos to transfer and so I guess we'll never know if my eggs truly suck or if I've just been unlucky 5 times, or if I really do have immune issues.

I also have a free phone consult with CCRM next week, but I'm not really sure I will learn anything new or want to change the course of this FET based on a 5th opinion... or whatever it is now... I can't keep track. Maybe I should read my own timeline.. LOL!

Secondly, I'm anxious for a different reason... And maybe now that I've gone 'incognito' from the majority of my IRL friends and family, I can more openly discuss another family issue that has caused me pain and anxiety... you see.... My mom is bi-polar and schizo-effective. And I love her. And she's an amazing mom in many ways, today... But she's been this way for at least 30 years. For the last 10 years or so, we've been blessed as a family that my mom has stayed on her medication and for the most part has been stable, but there are times here and there that signs of a 'sick' mom peak through and it puts all of us on edge. And that's occurring right now.... and I can't control it... and it makes me worried and anxious that she will have another episode...

... there's so much more I could go into here, but I will say that I do believe growing up in an unpredictable childhood, no matter how hard my dad tried to keep our family as stable as possible, has somehow affected my fertility. I think there's some deep issues in my psyche that relate to my relationship with my mom and have prevented me from truly being open to motherhood in some ways.... for now... i'll leave this topic at that, but the figurative can of worms has been opened.

So, on the night before I have to go back to work and give up my spring break from infertility and from worrying about the health and well-being of my family, I sit here wondering where these next few weeks will take me and hope that I can keep some of the peace (and fun sex) that I gained on the beach this last week...  Gracias, Mexico, for a much needed respite.

Adios, Amigos

Thank you to all of my new and prior followers for making the switch over here! I'm so happy to have you come join me. It really makes me feel supported and loved. I can't tell you how much this means to me.

Also, I just wanted to leave a quick message to say that I'll be out of blogging world for about a week. Tidy and I are heading to Mexico for his spring break.

I'll be spending the next week on a beach with a drink in hand forgetting that I know anything about infertility as best I can.

I'll catch ya on the flip side...tanned, relaxed and ready to get my head into the FET game.