Sunday, May 8, 2011

A Mother's Day Wish

I want to be remembered today, on Mother's Day. I want the people in my life to think of ME today and say, "Hey Tippy, I know today might be a hard day for you. I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hopeful that you will be a mom someday soon."

(A little self-centered? Feeling sorry for myself? Yes, a bit.)

And some of my friends did (Thank you :-) )  My SIL and her husband did too. Even a classmate from gradeschool, who I am only facebook friends with and haven't really seen in over 20 years, who is struggling with her own brain tumor fight right now, did.... How selfless!

But my mom, the one person who I really wish would recognize what this means to me, did not. I'm not sure what it is about her personality, her disease, her own emotional health, but she is not very empathetic. I think back to a lot of my childhood with her, and many of my memories are jaded with cravings of more affection, more comfort. I don't think that I always went to her for those things as she was either tending to her younger children who needed her more at that time, or her bipolar disease was more active and I tried to stay away from her. In the recent past, as she has been more stable and healthy, we have developed a more loving and affectionate relationship. She says things like, "Tippy, you're the cutest!" and gives me a hug, and I feel fulfilled for a moment or two.

Despite this more recent affection, there will always be an underlying disapproval from my mom of the way that I am going about finding my child, and that stings. My mom doesn't believe in IVF. She is Catholic and she takes a very literal interpretation of the teachings of her church. I know that Catholic does not mean anti-IVF, and please, for your Catholic readers out there, do not take my writings as anti-Catholic. They are merely a discussion about how my mom interprets her religion....  Anyways,  my mom is also disappointed in me for not practicing the religion that she and my dad brought me up in. I truly believe, that she thinks if I come back to the church, that god will finally give me a baby.

So, here I sit, on Mother's Day 2011, craving a little understanding and care from my mother, but not willing to let her know what I need from her. I don't like to ask, for one, but I also don't like to get in conversations with her about our infertility because they often lead to her disapproval of us doing any more IVF cycles. I can't even imagine what she would say if we told her we were considering Donor Egg IVF...

Because I am stubborn and don't want to ask for help, I will sit here silently and wish for my mom to call me and say, "Tippy, I'm thinking of you today too... "

16 comments:

Baby Hopes said...

So heartbreaking. I'm so very sorry that you have such a painful relationship with your mother. Sending out love and thoughts for you today. You've been through so much...

cgd said...

I am so sorry sweetie. I wish that your mother could be there for you in more of a real way. Such a giant hole that must leave. I am glad that you are surrounded by a few sensitive friends and family memebers.
sending lots of love to you and holding you in my thoughts today.

Freyamae said...

I was thinking of you. Its hard when people have complicated relationships with their parents. I know someday you WILL have that little one.... I know it. And when you do, you will know to give them a little more TLC that you know they will need at times, and hopefully it will help you fill that little hole of longing that your mom hasn't been able to fulfill for you. (hugs!)

Marissa said...

*hugs*

amiracle4us said...

I understand this completely Tippy... I thought the same thing (so we can be selfish together!!) and only 1 friend texted me today saying next year we will have the boys waiting on us together.
I am sorry your mom is not supportive. Being raised catholic I can understand what you mean. I am lucky that despite our religion, my family has been nothing but supportive. God has given these doctors the knowledge to make us babies in a petri-dish first, then be placed in our wombs. One day, somehow, we will be the mothers we are meant to be. Until that day comes, I will be thinking about you!

Joey said...

I'm sorry Tippy. Today's a hard day for us IF's. Hugs for you.

Joey
http://thechildlessmom.blogspot.com

Kristen said...

Hi,
Just seeing you blog for the first time...so sorry for what you're going through. I had 2 chemical pregnancies last year and it's so very hard. Hugs and I'm sorry you have to deal with Mother's Day AND not getting what you need from your own mother.
xoxo

marriage20 said...

FWIW, I'm thinking of you, and so are so many others who are wanting and wishing and grieving on Mother's Day and every day. Big hugs.

Wannabemom said...

I've learned through this IF journey that people can't always be what we want them to be. And that really sucks.

Krissi said...

So sorry you're not getting that empathy from your own mother. I hope she will one day understand your needs and respect them. Huge hugs! BTW, I just featured your blog tonight!

Cyndi said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. Having those that are close to us not understand what we're going through and not being supportive of us makes this so much harder.

We can only learn from others' mistakes. We'll know what not to do when a loved one needs us in a similar situation.

Jenny said...

I was thinking of you on Sunday, Tippy, and so many other women who aren't yet but will be mothers someday.

Maria said...

It's so hard being stuck between a rock and a vulnerable place. Not wanting judgment yet not wanting to ask for what you need. :-/ I so wish there was an easier answer. xoxo

LC said...

I felt this same way too..just wishing someone would recognize how hard this day was for me. One of my friends at work said to me as we were leaving work on Friday, "Have a great weekend". Reeally?!?!? (this friend knows everything I've been through) How could she be so insensitive? Yeah, I'm going to have a great weekend thinking about how I'm still not a mother ...and about the baby I lost. UGH!
Hang in there honey. Sending love!

marriage20 said...

Thinking of you!!! xoxox

St Elsewhere said...

Whatever else that it does, infertility complicates our relationship with our family as well.

I am so sorry that your Mom is not offering you the empathy that she should.