Friday, May 6, 2011


Things I've put into my body in the last 24 hours to help make me feel better, and THEY have not: Red Wine, Dark Chocolate, Pepperoni and Green Olive Pizza - Hot, Pepperoni and Green Olive Pizza - Cold, Salad with Blue Cheese, Beets and Pecans

Things I've wanted to put into my body in the last 24 hours to help make me feel better, but HAVE not:, Weed, Tequila

Maybe I need to try Ice Cream, next?

Or, Maybe I should just try the second list above.

Kidding... kind of.

It's Friday night. Tidy's out golfing with some friends because its finally sunny out and the sun makes him happy. I'm at home on the couch with a glass of wine and the cold pizza, salad, the computer, the TV and the Pog.

I'm jealous of Tidy sometimes. I wallow for a few days, weeks, after a failed IVF, while he sometimes just moves on and ignores it in a sense. I'm not sure it's quite 'ignoring', but he pushes past it, or away, and tries to go do stuff to get out of the house. I asked him last night why he doesn't cry. Doesn't he want to? Doesn't he ever feel like crying? He said he gets more angry, not sad, and then just wants to say fuck it. But sometimes, while I don't ever want him to be sad, I'd like to see him cry about this. Not once through this have I seen a tear shed. I know he feels terribly, but I'd just like to see him break down and go through the same feeling that I go through.

Why though? Will it make me feel better? What would that accomplish? Maybe then I would know that he truly understands how I feel.

Its funny how two people can grieve together yet so differently.


cgd said...

I get this 100%. My husband does not cry after ivf, I think the only tears he has shed in this process was when we lost our baby. It frustrates the crap out of me for reasons I have trouble really articulating. For me, I think maybe its that I want him to mirror my feelings, something he never does. I tell myself that it is ok if we respond differently but that is often hard to accept.
I think it is totally fine if you move to list 2 as you cope with this last BFN. Whatever makes you feel even a little better seems fine to me....

Anonymous said...

He sounds just like my husband. I think people do cope differently and guys are able to put their emotions in 'buckets' and ignore them or store them differently. I/we let them out and can't 'get rid' of them as easily. It is frustrating and I still melt at times just bc he isn't and I don't understand. I know he cares, I know he is upset, but he can push past it and does feel more anger. He accepts more easily.
I'll pour the tequila and cut the lime for you....xoxoxo

Gurlee said...

I bought a bottle of tequila tonight, too bad we can't hang out.
It has been said so many times but this process is so different for men. My husband hasn't cried over a failed cycle but lately his pain is obvious and it KILLS me. Yes he is intitiled to feel but it makes me feel worse when he is visibly upset. He is my rock and I need home to stat that way. I do think the grass is always greener. If you had a cryer it might make bother you. I'm sure he feels it just in a different way.
I hope you feel better soon. Go for a run tomorrow.

Kat said...

Delurking to say that my husband is more frustrated than sad because he can't do anything about the situation.

In a slightly different scenario, he revealed to me recently that he cried after our ectopic last year - but not at the time. Instead he was listening to the radio a few weeks later and thought it was sad that David Beckham couldn't play in the world cup. Then he cried.


Cortney said...

I'll bring the salt and limes! If you've got the other two, I'm game for that too!

I have really struggled lately with the different coping methods my DH and I have. I drown my sorrows in cookie dough while he buries himself in work. I want to talk, and he hides in his office. I confronted him on it last week and he said he doesn't know what to do to make it better (typical male--wants to fix it instead of just listening). He's not ready to talk yet, and it's all I can seem to talk/think about. He tells me I need to respect his grieving process and let him have space, but doesn't he also need to respect my grieving process by allowing me to talk?

No brilliant words of wisdom or advice--just letting you know I understand.

serenity said...

Damn, girl, let's have a tequila party. I'm game.

My husband never cried either, not after 10 failed transfers. The most I've gotten from him is "this one is hard to deal with." And that was last night, because, well, now we're closing the book on our reproductive efforts.

I so hear you. I've used my girlfriends and friends in the computer and now my therapist as my support system. It's really the only way I've managed to cope.



marilyn said...

I understand that too. Some men just don't cry. Has he cried in front of you before. YOu know..he may cry..just not in front of you. But I do's like if he tears two can cry together. There is something releasing about crying together about something.

Jana said...


Sorry to hear nothing makes you feel better. I'd say as well that you can move to list 2 if you feel you need it. Or else have a few more helpings of wine!

On the men's matter, I'm currently reading a book I can warmly recommend - Conquering infertility by A. Domar. She gives lots of useful advice and also explains that men just experience it differently and they handle disappointment differently and we should just accept it. I in any case found it reassuring.

In any case good luck to you and I hope you'll feel better very soon. Hugs!

RunningMama said...

Ah, yes, the couch, fridge, bed I have done many times before. That's usually how I deal with a failed cycle. And, sobbing continuosly for about a week. As many of the other commenters have posted, my husband processes his grief differently. He gets angry at me for the days that I allow myself to wallow...he tells me to get off the couch, and suck it up and deal with life. We've really had to work on getting him to EXPRESS his sadness during all these failed cycles this year. And, he's gotten better. But, I don't think that men can ever truly grasp how devastating it is to be unable to do the ONE THING our bodies were created to do. That women's bodies all around us are doing. That to some extent we have been dreaming of our family, our children, since we were children. They will never truly get how heartbreakingly EMPTY we feel after a failed cycle. I'm thinking about you, hon. I'm so sorry.

LisaB said...

I'm thinking about you hun. I am so sorry for your loss. :-(

Baby Hopes said...

Thinking of you... Mech and I are the same way with grief. He bounces back and moves on in an instant... it takes me a long time to come around to feeling the light of hope. Hoping you find some relief and peace.

Infertile Farmer said...

I am super late, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about this latest cycle. I really felt like this was it. I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

I totally get the different way of handling from your hubby. Mine was the EXACT same way. I would often say, "Aren't you sad? Don't you want to cry?" and he told me the same thing - that he was angry. I was sad. He was mad. I felt like he was more concerned about me and my feeling sad than his own sadness about the situation. It just sucks because we (women) just don't want to feel so alone and you'd think surely our spouses must feel the grief we do, but when they don't show it, it's hard. I guess they just handle it differently than we do. The one thing I came to realize was that I was glad in the long run that my hubby was the strong one, that he was there to pick me up and help me to keep going, because I'm not sure what would have happened if we both were a wreck like me! So, that is one positive to keep in the back of your mind.
Hang in there, girl. Sending you huge hugs!!