For the most part I think I have. I let much of the small stuff slide off, well, except for this morning when I was really really excited for a creamy cup of decaf coffee but 1) the half and half was nearly gone and 2) all of the decaf was already combined withe the caffeinated coffee (Tidy drinks half decaf) in the container so my morning was foiled... GRRR.
Ok, anyways.. back to my story.
At our 30 week ultrasound, when we thought the growth of the babies was diverging and my OB predicted a high chance of a C-section, we also learned that baby B was presenting (closest to the exit) and was breech and baby A was fundal (further at the top of the uterus) and transverse. Here's a picture of what they kind of look like.
On the very very bright side, the babies are doing great. Both are estimated to be just shy of 6 lbs each, and we got to see that they both are practicing breathing. Their lungs are moving to get ready for the world outside. Cool, huh?
But I must say that I had gotten my hopes up that baby B, the breech one, had flipped... you see, I have a heart beat monitor at home that I use from time to time just to check in. And I had been used to hearing both of the heat tones near my belly button... but then early last weekend, I checked again and baby B's heart tone had moved way down to near the exit. This of course got my mind spinning that my baby B had actually spun!! So I was all proud of my babies for listening to my wishes and hopeful that when we went into to see them early this week we would see that one to be head down.
No dice though.
And then with that, I had to re-grieve this sense of loss I feel about not being able to have a vaginal birth. It was quicker this time than the last discussion with my OB. More so, however, I was mad at myself for 1) getting my hopes up and 2) allowing that disappointment to cloud my thoughts for a few days.
I mean, come on Tippy, things are going great! You are 36 + weeks with twins who are thriving feeling little to nothing to complain about. You are going to finally hold these babies in your hands in the very near future... the babies you have longed for for 5 years. This C-section business is just a blip in the road. Yes, it's ok to feel the disappointment, and have wanted it to go differently, but it is not ok to let it taint these last few weeks of anticipation as you meet your babies.
So I woke up a few mornings ago after a day of sadness, with the intention of trying to just stay focused on the present moment and the positive healthy babies that we will get to meet soon.
Isn't this cycle of disappointment though, similar to those feelings of failure with a negative cycle, or a 2nd or 3rd chemical pregnancy? It's not the SAME disappointment, but just a similar cycle of thought. So apparently I still have some learning/growing to do in my ability to roll with the punches.
And now the stats