Saturday, June 2, 2012

What I Haven't Learned

After all of these years struggling with infertility, you would think that I would have learned better to roll with the punches, to "stay in the moment" and appreciate all of the good.

For the most part I think I have. I let much of the small stuff slide off, well, except for this morning when I was really really excited for a creamy cup of decaf coffee but 1) the half and half was nearly gone and 2) all of the decaf was already combined withe the caffeinated coffee (Tidy drinks half decaf) in the container so my morning was foiled... GRRR.

Ok, anyways..  back to my story.

At our 30 week ultrasound, when we thought the growth of the babies was diverging and my OB predicted a high chance of a C-section, we also learned that baby B was presenting (closest to the exit) and was breech and baby A was fundal (further at the top of the uterus) and transverse.  Here's a picture of what they kind of look like.

So I've spent much of my time these past few weeks trying to understand how likely it is that baby B will flip vertex, or maybe baby A will nudge baby B away from the exit and move in for the save. (I've also spent much of my time inverted, using moxa sticks, doing acupuncture and chiropractic care )... But it seems that if the twins haven't moved by 36 weeks, it's very very highly unlikely that they will after that. And a few days ago we passed our 36 week mark and also had an ultrasound, which confirmed the babies were still in the same unfavorable-for-a-vaginal-delivery position.

On the very very bright side, the babies are doing great. Both are estimated to be just shy of 6 lbs each, and we got to see that they both are practicing breathing. Their lungs are moving to get ready for the world outside. Cool, huh?

But I must say that I had gotten my hopes up that baby B, the breech one, had flipped... you see, I have a heart beat monitor at home that I use from time to time just to check in. And I had been used to hearing both of the heat tones near my belly button... but then early last weekend, I checked again and baby B's heart tone had moved way down to near the exit. This of course got my mind spinning that my baby B had actually spun!! So I was all proud of my babies for listening to my wishes and hopeful that when we went into to see them early this week we would see that one to be head down.

No dice though.

And then with that, I had to re-grieve this sense of loss I feel about not being able to have a vaginal birth. It was quicker this time than the last discussion with my OB. More so, however, I was mad at myself for 1) getting my hopes up and 2) allowing that disappointment to cloud my thoughts for a few days.

I mean, come on Tippy, things are going great! You are 36 + weeks with twins who are thriving feeling little to nothing to complain about. You are going to finally hold these babies in your hands in the very near future... the babies you have longed for for 5 years. This C-section business is just a blip in the road. Yes, it's ok to feel the disappointment, and have wanted it to go differently, but it is not ok to let it taint these last few weeks of anticipation as you meet your babies.

So I woke up a few mornings ago after a day of sadness, with the intention of trying to just stay focused on the present moment and the positive healthy babies that we will get to meet soon.

Isn't this cycle of disappointment though, similar to those feelings of failure with a negative cycle, or a 2nd or 3rd chemical pregnancy? It's not the SAME disappointment, but just a similar cycle of thought. So apparently I still have some learning/growing to do in my ability to roll with the punches.


And now the stats

Status: 36w2d

Weight Gain: I'll weigh in again this coming Friday.

Symptoms:  Carpel tunnel is still around. Hormone swings are annoying too. I also had more (TMI) mucus this morning... so maybe that mucus plug is starting to thing out.

Cravings: None to speak of

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  Still doing my once a week prenatal yoga and once a week prenatal pilates. Also went to the gym last night for a swim. It felt SOO good. I swam and kicked a half mile. The pool is amazing for taking all of that baby weight off of your body. It feels like I'm not pregnant at all.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing the twins again at the ultrasound and hearing that they have some hair on their heads and also seeing their lungs move to a rhythm to help prepare them for the outside world. Yay babies!

What I Look Forward to: Similar to last week, I think all of my forward looking thoughts are to holding these babies and to nuzzling with them. It's going to be here soon and I want to really really appreciate these last few days/weeks and know that we were joyful in their anticipation.


Anonymous said...

It's still possible though! When my mom was pregnant with my twin brothers, she was hoping and praying for a c-section (she had had 3 very difficult vaginal deliveries previously). At her 37ish week appointment, both babies were in line for a great vaginal delivery. Sometime that week, she woke up in the middle of the night because she felt like they were wrestling inside her. When she went in for her next monitoring appointment, the doctor was shocked that they had both flipped and were now transverse. She got her c-section!
So it is possible and I'll pray that they move into position for you!

KC said...

Like I said before my boys both swapped places right before delivery at 35 weeks. Just curious and I don't mean to be too nosy but why are you so worried about a c- section. Is it the procedure itself or are you worried about missing the experience? Glad you are focusing on the health of the babies and I seriously believe once you meet those precious babies you won't care how they came into the world. The countdown is on my friend. I am so excited for you!

Amy said...

That is the exact position my twins were in. I was disappointed but I'd accepted from the moment I saw twins on that first ultrasound that my chances of a c-section were very high. I'm sorry you aren't able to have the birth you wanted though. The best advice I got is to get up and walk. You feel SO much bette after your c-section by walking then if you sit in bed. Having my twins in the NICU allowed me to sleep longer stretches then you probably will get and boy did it hurt when I got up. But with walking I was completely off all pain killers by day 4 and by week 2 it was only tender if someone pushed on my stomach. Congratulations for making it so far!

Infertile Farmer said...

Hey Tippy! Sorry I have been so MIA, but I had to check on you! Baby B was breech almost my whole pregnancy. My OB sort of said ok to trying vaginal, but his lack of confidence made me decide if both babies weren't head down, I was going to have a c section. So I was all prepared, too. I was admitted to the hospital after a regular OB check b/c my preeclampsia had gotten so bad, and they told me it was time to deliver. I was literally all prepared to do the c-section and I said, "let's just do an ultrasound one more time to be sure their positions haven't changed" and Baby B had flipped!! It was crazy! So there I was on the hospital bed, ready to have a c section and all of a sudden I was presented with this new news and thought "I am seriously going to try and do this vaginally." And I did. So you just never know! The biggest 2 lessons I learned were 1) birth plans and mental preparation are good (and inevitable), but those babies are going to do whatever they are going to do and you have to roll with the punches. 2) the birth of the babies is one blip on the radar of a HUGE life you have ahead with your two little miracles, so however they get here, as long as they are safe and healthy, you will be just fine. Don't get me wrong, the birth is a big deal - and everything you have been thinking about, but I know I focused too much on the actual birth and not enough on what happens after these two little angels have arrived. Wishing you so much luck, my friend! I am so happy for you!

ebg said...

Great advice here! I had twins at 37wks 1day and my boy turned overnight before I delivered - so it can definitely still happen. I have no idea how - mine were 6lbs each also - but he did it. I still ended up w/ a csection because my girl was always breech. I mourn not having even had a chance at a vaginal delivery, but I'm very glad to have had the extra time in the hospital that the csection gave me, and my recovery - after the initial two days of pain - was really quite easy. There are a couple of strange things about a csection (especially if it's scheduled and not triggered by Mother Nature) so be prepared for the babies spitting up amniotic fluid for instance. (This terrified me - clear, slightly pinkish, fluid streaming from their nose. I freaked out but it's a totally normal thing.) But on the whole, as the previous person said, it's a blip on the screen of the big picture. And you get bragging rights about carrying twins to term so beautifully and having big healthy babies! Congrats!!! And enjoy your last few days - sleep as much as you can! :-)

Gurlee said...

Thinking of you and wondering how its going. Any day know!
Good luck