About a month ago, I went into him and cried... a lot. I cried for all of the fear that was over taking my body and mind.
I have been on a chat board for a few years with some amazing women. They all struggled with infertility as well and a few of them suffered twin losses... My heart aches for their losses and the fact that they had to experience that, I am glad their stories have happy endings. And while I know that they meant well with the advice that they were giving me, it made me fear this pregnancy more than enjoy and revel in it. It made me second guess myself and my body... Because I got caught up in that fear, when I went into my OB around 20 weeks, I sobbed to him that I didn't want to lose these babies and I wanted him to do everything that I could to make sure they were ok.
He did a great job at helping to calm my fears, share his thoughts on monitoring, how things have been going for us and how he wants to proceed. Mostly he gave me a calm look and said, "Please trust me. I am going to get you through this the best way I know possible." He also suggested that I stop "googling" and possibly lessen my exposure to the fear.
And I did. I told my friends on the board that for now, I just needed to isolate myself a bit and regain some of my own sense of confidence. I hope that they know how much I adore them and miss my interactions with them there, but I also hoped that they understand.
So last week when I went in OB, the first thing he did when he came in the room was to sit down and look at me in the eye and say, "So how are are you feeling, emotionally. Are you doing better? Or are you still feeing worried?"
I was so impressed that he remembered (or at least took the time to look in his charts and review my case before he came into the room... LOL) and that he really seemed to care. We talked a lot about how things have been going and that all signs still point to things going well. My babies are growing very close to each other in size and that size is in the right range for their gestation. My cervix is still holding very nice and long and closed.. (I can't remember the exact measurement, but it was around 4cm).
After that reassurance, we started to discuss birthing options. I told him that my initial impression was that he wanted to push me towards a scheduled C-section. He clarified that this wasn't his intention and he was sorry that I got that impression. He said that almost 50% of twin births end in C-sections, so moreso than anything, he wanted to get me prepared for that option. But, depending on the position of the babies he is definitely open to a vaginal birth. He's even willing to do so if Baby A is head down, but Baby B is breech. We decided to put the conversation on hold a bit more until next time when I bring Tidy with me and we can talk about a birth plan. One of the reasons I think I want to have a birth plan is that unless I schedule an induction with him, I may not end up having him help us birth these babies... (oh, I LOVE the modern health care / insurance industry for this. Ugh...). In any event, I'm really excited to start discussing the birth part of this whole thing in more detail and share them with you and ask for feedback. More to follow in the coming weeks...
As I type this, I am still blinking at the page thinking,"Am I really talking about birth here??? ME???? Birth???? Babies???? "
It's SO surreal.