Friday, February 17, 2012

Fear Balls

Not all of pregnancy is blissful.  I think that's an obvious statement, but I want to give it some credence here.

For some women, much of it is NOT blissful. Thankfully for me, much of it has been fairly easy up to this point (knock on wood).  Physically, I think that it just beginning to change. I am starting to feel the effects of carrying around 20 extra pounds. My back gets sore at the end of the day and my innards (love that word) are starting to feel a bit crunched up and achy in places. Yoga and exercise definitely help and remind me that staying strong in the rest of my body, to the extent that my body lets me, is very beneficial, since I usually feel my best after moving around.

Mentally, infertility messes with the bliss, too. But for the most part, I'm ok at refocusing, keeping in mind, that I may only get to do this once and I certainly don't want to regret feeling fearful and anxious the whole time. Oh, don't get me wrong, I have had a few freaks outs and it still taints my thoughts and sometimes interactions when relating to the fertile world, but in general, that "once in a life time experience" is at the forefront of my mind. Eyes on the prize, Tippy... Eyes on the prize.

So, as part of my prenatal "self-care" routine to help keep the physical AND mental bliss around, I am starting to get monthly massages.

In fact, I had one today! It was great and, oh, and they make these tables, with a big hole in it covered in a stretchy mesh that fits your belly! So I got to "lay" on my stomach and have a proper deep tissue massage, something I thought I was going to have to give up with pregnancy. I had heard that you have to lie on your side once you are pregnant but I just can't imagine that laying on your side allows you to truly relax into a massage.

He found a ton of deep knots in my back and worked on them pretty hard (which I needed!). But I think that let out some of the anxiety and fear that I have stored away in those deep pockets... For the rest of today, I just felt anxious... worried about how life is going to be with twins....worried that Tidy doesn't find me cute in my pregnant body...worried we won't take advantage of the remainder of our time with out these babies... worried about my body getting super huge... worried about having to go through birth, however that happens.... All normal worries, I'm sure, but all at once is a bit much.

Tidy of course had some of his wisdom to share on the matter: 

Me: "I think some of this fear and anxiety today is because in my massage, he really worked out some knots in my shoulders and back"
Tidy: "Yeah, It's a lot easier when your fears are in a nice tight little ball in your back"

I love my Tidy. He always helps to bring me back to normal again.

And now, the stats and belly pic:

Status: 21w1d

Weight Gain: I won't weigh in again until about 24 weeks. Start the guesses now!

Symptoms: Finally, daily movement! Little bubble, flutter feelings, but I can tell when it comes from Baby A versus Baby B. It makes me smile to feel their little nudges (or huge kicks...  but they feel like nudges to me). I especially like them when I'm sitting in a meeting at work and don't really want to pay attention. Other than that, nothing new, still some aches in my back and tender gallbladder from time to time.

Cravings: None to speak of

Aversions: Again, none to speak of

Exercise: Once again, a bad work out week. But I have a good excuse this week.... I got SMACKED in the head with a terrible cold. From last friday night through Wednesday or so, I was attached to a kleenex box. I even took 2 sick days from work. It was very nice to sleep a little throughout the day when my nose or cough didn't wake me up ever half hour or so. I did manage to get to my prenatal yoga class though, on Wed night.

Best Moment of the Week: Having a visit from my parents this past weekend and showing off my skills with the baby Doppler that I have so they could hear both of their heart beats. Pretty cool.

What I Look Forward to: Getting back into an exercise routine (we'll try this one again... )


Anonymous said...

Oh wow, I didn't know you got a Doppler!!! That must be so soothing to know you can hear them anytime you want to. :) And wow....Tidy is friggin' awesome. Somehow those simple statements are so profound, aren't they?

LisaB/lisabttc said...

I'm so glad you are treating yourself and taking good care of yourself. I know if I became pregnant, I would still have a lot of anxiety.
You are too cute! I wouldn't even think there were 2 babies in there.

RunningMama said...

Your pregnancy massage sounds AWESOME! Definitely keep that up after the babes come. You'll be getting knots in your back from nursing. Pregnancy (and post pregnancy) is hard...and for those that have been through can feel ungrateful to complain about pregnancy. But, we know you love these babies...and that carrying twins ain't easy. I love your belly! Mwah! Mwah! for the twins.

Elle said...

Prenatal massages are out of this world awesome. I got them every week for the last few months of my pregnancy.

Yep, pregnancy makes you worry about everything. If you can worry about it, you will. The best thing I found to think in those situations was, "It will all work out. It always does."

Love the belly shot! You are still so tiny for being 20 weeks with twins. All of your working out is paying off for sure.

Jenny said...

Prenatal massages are amazing! I got them once a month until the end (bedrest prevented me from getting the last one, natch). In the third trimester being on that table with the belly hole was one of the only times I was comfortable. Big whirlpool tubs without the jets on are great too. Love Tidy's response!