Saturday, February 11, 2012

Chip, meet Shoulder

I definitely think I have a little chip on my shoulder. I'm assuming most of us IF girls do, and it doesn't leave us even when pregnant.

This past wednesday, I started my first week of an 8-week series prenatal yoga class at my health care clinic. I walked in repeating to myself, "Be open to this, you can do this, don't put up huge walls"

But I did.

For so long, I've strived to be part of this pregnant lady and mom club. I wrote an old blog post about feeling like I've been outside of a big glass castle, looking into it with all of the moms and moms-to-be in there, wanting so badly to there, to be part of the group, but not being able to find a way in.

As I walked into my yoga class, I felt like this was my first chance to step into that glass castle, but as I entered, I felt jaded, and judgmental, and like I didn't really want to get to know any of them in there, even if they did struggle...

Before we actually got into any yoga, we all sat around in a circle and introduced ourselves, where we were in our pregnancies, and what we hoped to get out of this yoga class. As everyone was talking, I could feel my self just sitting there, thinking smug thoughts. Thoughts like, "Oh, I bet this was easy for you", or "Look at how fat and unhealthy you are, and you can get pregnant?!"Yes, I know, this makes me seem like a bitch. And sometimes, there are parts of my thoughts that are, but it's the truth of the moment, and that's the point of blogging right? I am not really a bitch, but I sure do have bitchy thoughts sometimes.

I don't really wonder why I have this chip on my shoulder. It's obvious right? I mean, after 5 years of failure, one gets a little jaded. And even getting pregnant doesn't cause all of those feelings of jealousy and envy to go away. Pregnancy is amazing and I'm so grateful to feel these little babies inside me, but it doesn't erase the years of pain and sadness overnight. And who knows, maybe I will always carry a little chip on my shoulder. But the trick is to not let it affect your interactions with others.

So my goal for next week's prenatal yoga class: Try to have less bitchy thoughts, or, if I have them, acknowledge them, and let them pass.

And now, the stats..

Status: 20w2d

Weight Gain: I weighed in at the OB on Thursday afternoon... I'm up 19 lbs!!! I'm really not sure if that's too much or too little, but I don't think it's too little or just right. My OB doesn't believe that my weight gain is correlated with the health of the babies (within reason). Ie, if I'm gaining weight and the babies are growing well and together, then that's good. No need to worry about 5 lbs here or there.

Symptoms: Similar to last week, some more consistent movement, but they are still small little bubble feelings. Also, the gallbladder seems to be not as annoying lately! I think it's some of the diet changes I have been making. A "fun"new symptom is being extra burpy and having some reflux. If I eat and then move around  bit, I get some of those lovely spit up burps.. BLECH! SO GROSS!! It reminds me of my youngest sister, who used to complain about all the pregnant women in her office who were always burping and farting and she was just so grossed out by them. I think I've joined that club!

Cravings: This week, really none to speak of. Pretty normal appetite and thoughts on food.

Aversions: Again, none to speak of

Exercise: This week was a pretty bad week for working out. Only yoga at my prenatal yoga class. Why you ask? All of a sudden this week, I became a bit paranoid about exercising and this pregnancy. I had a few nights where I was just so terrified of losing my babies (not because of any symptoms, but just general anxiety) that I started thinking about all of my actions way too much. But after talking with my OB on Thursday he helped get my head back on straight. All of my exercise is fine, and honestly, it's not really a lot, at all. He just wants to make sure that I'm listening to my body and going at a moderate to light pace. So, I will continue along with yoga, spinning, elliptical (instead of running) and get back into the pool to swim, modifying where I need.

I think one of the issues here is that some people have been vocal to me about taking it easy and resting and really not going in my life at full speed, which I honestly have not. I've slowed my life down a lot, for me... but the people who have had bad things happen to them in their pregnancies are the most vocal. They are the ones that don't want to see me or anyone else go through what they did. And it is greatly appreciated and I understand it comes from a good place, but it does more harm than good on my psyche. Bottom line, moderate/light exercise is not going to causes something catastrophic to happen. Catastrophes are not in my control. But staying healthy and strong is. And I need to do that for my own mental health and for the health of these babies. So, this week, I hope to get back to the gym to get that blood flowing again.

Best Moment of the Week: Being able to cry in my OB's office and have him calm my fears. I know that he "has my back" in this. I can come to him whenever I am feeling worried or anxious. He wants me to trust him and stop looking on the internet. (I confessed that I tend to pursue PubMed a lot when I'm worried about a particular issue). And so I will. From now on, no more fear mongering. Just me, my OB and my body!

What I Look Forward to: Getting back into an exercise routine.


Gurlee said...

Good for you for going to a prenatal yoga class. I worry about my own judgements of both myself and others if I was to attempt one. I am happy going at my own pace in my own home by myself. I do think at some point I will need to step out and try to meet other soon to be new moms. Yikes.
I am glad things are progressing well for you. Every pregnancy is different and the most important thing to do is listen to your own body.

Sybil said...

I completely understand the 'chip on the shoulder'. Even though I am pregnant now, I have fears that other pregnant women don't seem to have. They seem blissfully unaware of everything bad that could happen. My hubby's job doesn't help fix my fears when he is constantly telling me about the latest baby he fixed. There is definitly an "innocence" that you lose when you go through infertiltiy...and I don't think you can ever get it back.

Cherm said...

Great post! I've had those exact same feelings going into yoga, but have ended up meeting some really nice women and after about the 3rd or 4th time going felt more comfortable and less judgmental. I think you're right that chip may never go away but acknowledging it and letting it go is a good way to deal. Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Oh so understandable! And, man, you are anything *but* a bitch, so yeah....this is the very normal IF stuff creeping up, and I am so glad you're able to be gentle with yourself and keep on keeping on. :)

Elle said...

lol! I still do this. I saw this gorgeous, young pregnant woman at the store a few weeks ago and I hated her. She was gorgeous and young and pregnant. Of course she didn't have any trouble getting pregnant. And I'm sure she lives in a huge, brand new house with a hunky husband who makes a ton of money....

Or I see the fat women who are pregnant and have three other kids running around them, all under the age of 5. Of course she can get pregnant. She's fat and has a cart full of junk food. She probably lives on welfare too.

See, I do it to. ;) It never goes away either.