Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Re-entry into the 2 week (actually 10 day) wait.

These last few days have seemed like a year. We have been so busy and so emotionally on high that maybe this could finally work, I feel like I have been walking on air. Right now, I'm trying to regain that walking on air feeling, but the entry into the 2ww brings back a TON of negative feelings and fear that I haven't had to deal with since the last time we were in the 2ww, back in ... APRIL!! It's been a while, for sure.

Let me recap.

Last Thursday, Dotty 2.0 had her retrieval. You can read about my thoughts here. (day 0)

Friday, we found out about our great fertilization report: 18 mature, 16 fertilized. (day1)

Then, this weekend, we were out of town while Tidy ran a marathon. It was such a fun time to put away the worries of what was happening to our embryos. And, I must say, he kicked some major ass! It was a bit hot for the marathon and he still made the time he wanted, under 4 hours. Can you stay, STUD?!?  I was impressed, for sure. My sister and I actually put on our running clothes and ran between some of the mile on the course to get to certain points to see him. The course was all over the place, so the spectators could get from, say, mile 17 to mile 20 by walking a mile. It was fun to get a little work out in while all of those incredibly awesome people were running. I always feel a bit jealous of people doing those things when I'm not. I've put that part of myself aside these past few years in order to work on getting pregnant, and while I don't regret it, I hope some day I can really get back into triathlons and such.

Anyways, the rest of the embryo updates go something like this: 
day 2 - 18 growing (?!), 13 grade A
day 3 - 20 growing (?!?!?), 12 grade A (see our excitement???)
day 4 - 11 growing, 8 grade A
day 5 (today) - 9 growing, 1 grade A.... ONE. GRADE. A.... ugh.

How do things change so fast? I don't understand. I do know that many clinics grade the embryos differently. And our clinic graded the one at A because it was an "expanded" blastocyst, vs the other B's which were still just "full" blastocysts. I also know that they don't mention anything about fragmentation within their grading... so I'm really not sure what to make of this.

Mostly, after the last few blissful days, of feeling like this truly could be our chance, I am not back to feeling skeptical and worried, a bit.

This whole time I've been saying I would be happy with having  2 to transfer and a few to freeze, preferably about 4. But after that high of so many great embryos, I feel let down.

Tidy surely did too. I felt so bad to see his reaction to our doctor's news that we only had 1 grade A embryo today. She said she was disappointed that it wasn't clear to her if we should transfer 2 or 3. Ie, she was hoping for at least 2 big fat A's.

The next big test will be tomorrow's update. Hoping that some of the 7 that we have left growing will make it to the freezer. Please, please send good strong thoughts to those 7 still in their little petri dish home in hopes that they want to continue to grow and become part of our family.

Well, and of course that goes without saying for the two that are in my body now.

We are officially "pregnant" today with 2 beautiful embryos... and I hope they decide to say.

Also, thank you dearly to my followers and friends who have been so excited for us these past few days and given us support. It means so much to know that so many of you are pulling for us out there. Big big hugs.


Glass Case of Emotion said...

Good luck! Those grading systems are different clinic to clinic. I feel like fragmentation is less important with blasts than embryos. But hey- 1 expanded blast is amazing news- and full blasts- also great news.

Try to let it all go- you've done all you can. I will be sending you good thoughts.

tanyaslifejourney said...

I hope this is it for you!

My New Normal said...

Wishing you the best of luck!! Mine is set for this Thursday, yikes!

Heather said...

I think this sounds like a great report. Per my RE (SIRM) once they become blasts their prior grading doesn't really matter any more. Keeping everything crossed for you!

amiracle4us said...

Don't stress about the grading! I had 'perfect' ones transfered and we know where that got us, while others had 'poor' ones transfered and they now have twins in their arms! You never ever ever know what those little ones will do inside you. Goodness knows they will be given so much love and support to grow in your womb! Keep loving them, talk to them and I will keep thinking and praying :)

KC said...

What a roller coaster ride. It just sounds so similar to our experience. We started with 16 eggs and ended up with nothing to freeze after transferring 3 less than perfect embabies. We were disappointed because in our previous cycle we had transferred 2 "perfect" embabies and they didn't take. I don't buy into the grading thing. I think the fact that Dotty 2.0 is a proven donor is more telling. Anyways, easier said than done. I will be living through each day with you and praying to every god out there. This has to be the cycle for you guys!

Gurlee said...

Oh no! My long comment, gone. I'll try to recreate.
Dude, kick-ass on the marathon! I know the feeling you described when watching an event & wanting to participate. Don't worry, next year after we have our babies we will be back! Too bad we can't train together.
Try not to worry to much about grading, perfect embryos don't always stick & imperfect ones can and often do! Take care of yourself & the little embabies on board. I bet you are going to have some frosties.
I am SO excited and hopeful for you!! I'm sending loads of positive vibes, you got this. I hope the next week and a half is not too much of a mind-fuck.

Roccie said...

Whoa there nelly. Try not to get caught up in the numbers. (Yes, I am full of shit as I did the EXACT same thing w my donor results. Must be the thing to do.)

May I give you a little pick me up? My Toddlerina is from my own ancient ass eggs. We transferred 2 with her - one average and one average plus/good embryo. She is far, far, far from average!

The D in DE counts for a lot. You sit tight and PUPO it up, ok? I got your worries here in my pocket if you need them back.

jill's infertility document said...

Hey, you are PUPO! I'm pulling for those left to make it in the freezer. And I am so pulling for those two in utero to nestle in and make a home there for the next 9 months. You will be in my thoughts (which are all positive thoughts!)

michelle said...

Yay! Yeah, I believe the grades can be misleading too. And I know what you mean about expectations being high with initial high numbers.

My clinic uses a different system. We transferred two 4aa (I believe the highest is 5aa) and both stuck! We have 6 in the freezer but I highly doubt we'll ever touch them. But, you're right. It's nice to have that insurance policy in the bank/freezer.

Try to focus on the 2 in you now. Get lots of rest and be kind to yourself!

St Elsewhere said...

Grading of embryos differs from clinics to clinics and the lesser graded one have lot of potential of developing into healthy babies.

My absolute best wishes are with you and the two embies snuggling within you.

You deserve to bring home these babies.

Take Care!

cgd said...

sending you so much love and luck. It is so hard to not get caught up in the grading of things. Hoping for your 2 little guys.....

Mommy ToBe (I hope) said...

Sending lots of positive thoughts in your direction. Burrow little ones! Get in there snug and tight.