Sunday, October 30, 2011

Don't Wake Me, Please!

I keep going back to my last two blog posts and re-reading them, thinking I am in some sort of dream. If I am, please please, don't wake me. I beg of you.

I am still in utter disbelief that this is possibly happening to Tidy and me. My brain is full of many things, hormone riddled I'm assuming, but sometimes I find myself dreaming of all of the things I want to do and start, now that we have entered into a new phase of our fertility journey. But the years of disappointments and road blocks have my brain trained to say, "NO, TIPPY, don't get ahead of yourself. You know about ALL the bad that can happen."(Slap on the wrist)

So, while I am cautiously optimistic and I do feel grateful to be in a place where we have had two very strong betas to keep our hopes up, I am still trying desperately hard to live in the moment, the present moment, and take each day at a time.

After Monday's beta, some of the symptoms that I had started to fade. And once again, my disappointment-trained brain started to go down the path of doom. Tuesday, less hunger... Wednesday, boobs seemed smaller....Fail, yet another cruel joke.

My mind started to swirl at work and when I came home on Wednesday, Tidy and I were supposed to go up north to my parent's cabin in the woods for some fun fall frolicking,  (I love alliteration.. could you guess?). But I was kind of a mess so I clued him in to how I was feeling. He suggested we just stay home, and go to the clinic on Thursday for another beta. I cried, curled up in his lap and just sat there for a bit, waiting for my brain to tell me the right thing to do.

And eventually it did. It said, NO! You will NOT succumb to this fear. YOU WILL NOT! We are packing our bags and heading straight up to the cabin to do what we set out to do, fear and all.  (Sometimes I can't decide if I'm supposed to kick my fear to the curb or if I am supposed to acknowledge it and let it be my companion, one that does not rule me... but that's another post for another time).

And so what we set out to do what we set out to do.

We hiked in the woods, we ate soup, we drank cider, we napped, we read books, I discovered pumpkin butter, and we listened to the last game of the world series on the radio (TV reception up in those parts sucks), while playing scrabble (Can you say 80 years old?) But it was beautiful, as you can see. And it gave me back some of that peace I am always striving to find along the way.


And sure enough, as all of the google searching, and chat board friends have told me, symptoms come and go... and they went... and now some are back (Yay!),  so I am feeling a bit reassured that something is still happening in there. What, I have no clue, as I'm too nervous to start looking at pregnancy websites and embracing that whole other world of people who are pregnant... cuz certainly that's not me, right?... But for now, I am somewhat calm and hopeful that we are still in business, at least enough to get me to our ultrasound this coming Friday with some sanity in tact.

Oh, and MOVE OVER blackberry jam. I've found a new love... PUMPKIN BUTTER!!!

And P.S. - Thank you every so kindly to all of the happiness you have commented on my blog lately. I am soaking it in, and reveling in this moment, as I may never get to do this again. Thank you dearly.

14 comments:

Baby Hopes said...

Sounds like such a wonderful time! I'm so very thrilled for you!!! Can't wait for your ultrasound!!!

amiracle4us said...

I am glad you guys went and had a good time :) And YEA for some symptoms to help ease your mind that your baby is perfectly happy and growing!

cgd said...

so glad you were able to enjoy yourself despite the fears, I am sure it must be so hard to relax into this. wishing you smooth sailing for the next 9 mo.

St Elsewhere said...

So glad you recovered your peace on your own and so happy that you enjoyed your short trip to the cabin.

Symptoms can come and go, and if fact your food cravings can change completely over a period on time (in the pregnancy). So just relax and make sure you are drinking lots of fluid and generally taking it easy.

Take Care. November 4 is not far away!

LisaB said...

Believe it girl, it's for real!! This is your forever baby!! I know those feelings of fear and anxiety, boy do I. It's hard not to let those feelings take over. I'm so glad you had a nice time! Praying for great news on Friday - I know it will be!

Gurlee said...

Good for you. I am glad you had fun and didn't succumb to fear. It can be really hard and I wish I could say it goes away (maybe eventually) but for now you are pregnant! Looking forward to Friday's news!

NLY said...

Congrats! Don't let the negative thoughts crowd your mind, enjoy this time and look forward to getting more great news on Friday!!!

LC said...

Embrace every single moment! :)

Bernadette & Duane said...

Embrace! Embrace! You have endured so much to get to this point. Enjoy these VERY special moments-- you deserve it!

Infertile Farmer said...

You are awesome girlie! Such amazing perspective on the whole situation and you articulate it all so beautifully! Your cautious optimism is perfect and I cannot wait for Friday. Beaming for you over here!!!!

Elle said...

Yep, symptoms come and go. I had so few my first trimester, it took seeing my baby on three different ultrasounds in three different offices before I finally realized no one was playing a cruel joke on me. I think sometimes we infertiles get lucky in the lack of pregnancy symptoms our first trimester (well, kind of lucky because who doesn't want to puke every 5 minutes just to prove the baby is fine?).

I can't wait for your ultrasound on Friday! How many babies are in there?! :D

Auntie A said...

So happy for you and sending positive thoughts. I just found your blog and am very inspired by your story! Thanks for sharing!

Roccie said...

I was terrified since I never had morning sickness.

Everyone knows that minimal symptoms are the new black.

KC said...

The biggest surprise for me was how surreal being pregnant would be after all of these years. At 20 weeks I still wake up every morning and tell my husband that my tummy looks smaller and my boobs don't feel any different. It isn't until other people tell me I am huge that I realize this could be happening. I have SLOWLY begun to let myself dream about a nursery but no purchases have been made. I keep saying at the next milestone that I will believe that I am actually pregnant but then the doubts creep in and I keep holding my breath. As I am sure you have heard a million times but I had NO symptoms until I was 8 weeks and even then it was just vomiting.