Life, and the way I navigate through it, certainly takes me by surprise sometimes.
Today should be a happy and hopeful day for me. Dotty 2.0, our "rock star" egg donor, underwent her egg retrieval. And before I get into all of my thoughts on this, I will tell you the end of the story first...
...She did great. Fantastic actually. They retrieved 24 eggs...2 dozen...2 of those grey-ish cardboard cartons full of fabulous eggs. Pretty amazing, huh?
While I know this is a big hoop that we jumped through today, I'm sad too. The reminder that they are not "my" eggs creeps back in and I grieve a little bit again. A friend from one of my chat boards did warn me that I might feel this way, however, so I was prepared at least. She has been through this before and shared with me on the day of her donor's egg retrieval, she too felt sad. It was supposed to feel great, right? But because she literally had no part in that day, it was another reminder of the loss of her own eggs.
And that's exactly how I feel today. Bittersweet.
I definitely can find some of the sweet in here. 24 eggs is fantastic. This should give us a good shot, pending our fertilization report tomorrow. But the bitter lingers too. My husband's dna is mixing with some other woman's dna as we speak! (Cheater!!!) Oh, and I think my competitive nature is also getting to me. I couldn't produce 24 eggs myself. My ovaries feel defeated. My goal, however is to not let this linger too long. I want to wake up tomorrow and start to focus on "our" embryos, rather than "her" eggs.
I am lucky to have very wise friends, however. They are giving me the strength and cushion I need. One friend said she wished I lived closer to her. She would make a flower lei for me and we would take a walk out to the ocean and put my sadness and loss into the lei and let it float out to the sea... I love this visual.
Another friend commented on how truly amazing the human experience is. She said: The beauty of the human heart is that it can hold so many emotions at once. So hold, in your mind's eye, the baby picture of your donor and see it as a projection of your own baby to smother with kisses....and fill your life with memories.
And finally, another friend sent me a quote from her calendar for this months which said, "Open your arms to beautiful moments, and they will come to you"
Like I said, they are wise friends.
So with that, I will honor my sadness today because it is a valid and honest, but I'm also heading out the door to spend 3 hours at my yoga studio to clear my mood and focus on the beautiful moments that are here and yet to come.
12 comments:
Wonderful post. I think this makes total sense and one of the drawbacks for me, personally, (I don't blame you at all for pursuing it) to Donor Egg. I didn't think I could cope with these feelings and so I said, if no DNA for one, no DNA for all! (Plus the cost was a factor too...)So, I think your feelings are TOTALLY valid.
That being said- WOW- the sheer number of embryos. I am so excited for you! Sending you MUCH positivity.
What an honest reaction. I think it is so important to recognize and feel your sadness. I love the shift from her eggs to your embryos. I am thrilled for you.
Xoxo
Your feelings are completely normal. The loss of your eggs will come and go (at least it did for me). There were moments of sheer excitement and loss. But hopefully in the end will be your little miracle baby.
Best wishes.
i think you captured the complexity of this moment perfectly. It is a beginning and a loss (in a way) all at the same time. I wishing you calm and peace through the rest of this journey but I think we both have been through enough to know that sometimes that is just impossible. I do know that you have the strength to get thru this next chapter.
wishing for a wonderful fertilization report for you lucky 2 dozen....
Wow, 24 eggs is awesome! That IS great news. I can't wait to hear about the fert report.
You know, another blogger posted about her heartache today too, and I felt bad when she felt like she had to defend her feelings. I told her that it really irritated me when people tried to diminish our feelings by making us think of the blessings in our lives, like we aren't already grateful for those. like we lose sight of them. But the reality is, we are able to compartmentalize our feelings. We can feel happy and sad about the same thing. Yes, you're happy about the awesome retrieval, but at the same time you are sad because a part of your dream had to be let go. Anyone who has been through infertility should be able to understand those feelings without having to experience them first hand because on some level, we have all had to let go of our dreams.
So take your time and process your feelings. You will get to where you want to be when you're ready.
I have grieved the loss of my own eggs (and dna) many times. But in the end what I really want is to be a parent. I am convinced that once you (and I) get pregnant it won't matter if the egg came from an amazing donor. It will only matter that there is a miracle growing inside you.
I don't believe I've ever commented, but wanted you to know that I was sending thoughts and prayers your way! 24 eggs is FANTASTIC! Praying for a fabulous fertilization report and transfer. Fingers crossed so tightly for you!
Grieving the loss of your genetic connection is a huge, huge deal. It sounds like you have an awesome support system, which can make a big difference. Bittersweet is the perfect word choice. (and *go* Dotty 2.0! Well done!) Looking forward to hearing about the next step!
I love how honest and in touch with your feelings you are. You AND Dotty 2.0 rock! And you're surrounded by rockin' friends, too. ;-) xoxo
I can see how this would be a bittersweet day for you. I do think though, tomorrow, when you hear about YOUR embabies, the thoughts of 'her eggs' will decrease and happiness and joy and excitement will start taking over again :) Thinking about you hun!!! xo
Breath abated we wait and hope with you. I hope you can find some joy and peace in the next two weeks. Or, at least don't kill your husband (poor scapegoats that they can be...).
It does come and go, doesnt it? Ride out the wave w some particularly great sounding friends. I am grateful you have your yoga to clear it out, or at least break it up.
You will be back on top again. I promise.
I wish they were your eggs from the beginning. I am glad they are yours now. Many congrats on such a huge number. I am proud of your truth here.
Xo
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