Tidy and I had a great time together. We EVEN had sex for fun!!! Can you believe it? A 4+ year veteran of the infertility world having sex.... for ... FUN??? Wow.
Needless to say, it was a welcome break.
I also fell in love again... twice... once with an old friend (tequila) and once with a new friend (chilaquiles). I love Mexico.
But now it's back to reality and in the past two days since we've been back, reality has hit me hard. I've already cried to Tidy a few times, saying, "Take me back there! I wanna go back!!!"
First, I started Lupron for my FET during the latter half of my trip. I was really proud of myself for not bruising my belly and was able to still wear my bikini the whole time! I go in for my baseline this Thursday and am hoping that I am suppressed enough so that I can start my estrogen. Even though an FET is way less stressful than an IVF cycle, I still am anxious about getting into the 2ww again and getting my hopes up. Moreso, I'm anxious that we made the right decision to put these embryos back in me and not into a surrogate or even try to test them for chromosomal issues... but in the end, I didn't want to risk not having these embryos to transfer and so I guess we'll never know if my eggs truly suck or if I've just been unlucky 5 times, or if I really do have immune issues.
I also have a free phone consult with CCRM next week, but I'm not really sure I will learn anything new or want to change the course of this FET based on a 5th opinion... or whatever it is now... I can't keep track. Maybe I should read my own timeline.. LOL!
Secondly, I'm anxious for a different reason... And maybe now that I've gone 'incognito' from the majority of my IRL friends and family, I can more openly discuss another family issue that has caused me pain and anxiety... you see.... My mom is bi-polar and schizo-effective. And I love her. And she's an amazing mom in many ways, today... But she's been this way for at least 30 years. For the last 10 years or so, we've been blessed as a family that my mom has stayed on her medication and for the most part has been stable, but there are times here and there that signs of a 'sick' mom peak through and it puts all of us on edge. And that's occurring right now.... and I can't control it... and it makes me worried and anxious that she will have another episode...
... there's so much more I could go into here, but I will say that I do believe growing up in an unpredictable childhood, no matter how hard my dad tried to keep our family as stable as possible, has somehow affected my fertility. I think there's some deep issues in my psyche that relate to my relationship with my mom and have prevented me from truly being open to motherhood in some ways.... for now... i'll leave this topic at that, but the figurative can of worms has been opened.
So, on the night before I have to go back to work and give up my spring break from infertility and from worrying about the health and well-being of my family, I sit here wondering where these next few weeks will take me and hope that I can keep some of the peace (and fun sex) that I gained on the beach this last week... Gracias, Mexico, for a much needed respite.
