Don't Wake Me, Please!

I keep going back to my last two blog posts and re-reading them, thinking I am in some sort of dream. If I am, please please, don't wake me. I beg of you.

I am still in utter disbelief that this is possibly happening to Tidy and me. My brain is full of many things, hormone riddled I'm assuming, but sometimes I find myself dreaming of all of the things I want to do and start, now that we have entered into a new phase of our fertility journey. But the years of disappointments and road blocks have my brain trained to say, "NO, TIPPY, don't get ahead of yourself. You know about ALL the bad that can happen."(Slap on the wrist)

So, while I am cautiously optimistic and I do feel grateful to be in a place where we have had two very strong betas to keep our hopes up, I am still trying desperately hard to live in the moment, the present moment, and take each day at a time.

After Monday's beta, some of the symptoms that I had started to fade. And once again, my disappointment-trained brain started to go down the path of doom. Tuesday, less hunger... Wednesday, boobs seemed smaller....Fail, yet another cruel joke.

My mind started to swirl at work and when I came home on Wednesday, Tidy and I were supposed to go up north to my parent's cabin in the woods for some fun fall frolicking,  (I love alliteration.. could you guess?). But I was kind of a mess so I clued him in to how I was feeling. He suggested we just stay home, and go to the clinic on Thursday for another beta. I cried, curled up in his lap and just sat there for a bit, waiting for my brain to tell me the right thing to do.

And eventually it did. It said, NO! You will NOT succumb to this fear. YOU WILL NOT! We are packing our bags and heading straight up to the cabin to do what we set out to do, fear and all.  (Sometimes I can't decide if I'm supposed to kick my fear to the curb or if I am supposed to acknowledge it and let it be my companion, one that does not rule me... but that's another post for another time).

And so what we set out to do what we set out to do.

We hiked in the woods, we ate soup, we drank cider, we napped, we read books, I discovered pumpkin butter, and we listened to the last game of the world series on the radio (TV reception up in those parts sucks), while playing scrabble (Can you say 80 years old?) But it was beautiful, as you can see. And it gave me back some of that peace I am always striving to find along the way.

And sure enough, as all of the google searching, and chat board friends have told me, symptoms come and go... and they went... and now some are back (Yay!),  so I am feeling a bit reassured that something is still happening in there. What, I have no clue, as I'm too nervous to start looking at pregnancy websites and embracing that whole other world of people who are pregnant... cuz certainly that's not me, right?... But for now, I am somewhat calm and hopeful that we are still in business, at least enough to get me to our ultrasound this coming Friday with some sanity in tact.

Oh, and MOVE OVER blackberry jam. I've found a new love... PUMPKIN BUTTER!!!

And P.S. - Thank you every so kindly to all of the happiness you have commented on my blog lately. I am soaking it in, and reveling in this moment, as I may never get to do this again. Thank you dearly.

Almond Butter & Blackberry Jam

I woke up this morning at 3:30 am, ravenous, you know, like that empty pit of hunger at the bottom of your belly, feeling like if I don't stick something in there, and fast, my body will implode. I laid there for a bit thinking it might go away, but it didn't.

So I quietly got up, and snuck out of the bedroom to the kitchen to put a piece of toast in the toaster. I was hoping Pog wasn't going to start whining and wake Tidy up because she's a total toast-slut! (Not my fault... Tidy's). Anyways, I put some butter and almond butter on my toast and then the blackberry jam in the fridge caught my eye. For some strange reason, it sounded amazing. (I HATE jelly! Anything of the cooked fruit form and I usually dont' get along)

Almond butter & jellie'd toast in hand, I got back into bed and proceeded to munch as quietly as I could. I could feel the Pog, sitting next to my side of the bed, giving me that stare of "GIVE ME TOAST, GIVE ME TOAST", even in the pitch dark. Apparently it wasn't quite enough since Tidy startled awake and said, "What the hell are you doing?" (I'm normally the one to be dead asleep all night long and he's the one who gets up in the middle of the night to pee or toss and turn.)

So I looked at him and said, while laughing and crying at the same time, "I'm HUNGRY!!!"

He just kind of stared at me in awe and said, "Oooooh boy"

We laughed this morning about it, joyfully.

And I should have let that clue me in to what our second beta would be. I was pretty worried these past few days, shed a few tears on and off about hoping that this is FINALLY our time. But last night's episode gave me some reassurance that it might be going up. And it did. From 203.5 at 15dpo, to a whopping 965.7 at 18dpo

965.7!!!!!!!!!!!

And yes, for those of you who are avid betabase.info users,  I do know that that number is more in line with the twins data than the singleton. But it's anyone's guess at this point.

Next hoop will be our 6 week ultrasound on Nov 4th.

I can NOT believe that I'm writing these words right now... simply can not.

I Wasn't Going to Answer the Phone...

...but they called so soon after I gave my blood and I was caught off guard.

So I answered.

I answered the phone and blurted out before the person on the line could say anything, "I'm not sure why I am answering this, so you'd better have some good news for me..."

And the nurse practitioner (thank GOD it was the NP and not the Dr... cuz the Dr's give bad news and the rest of the staff gives good news) said, "You are answering the phone because you are pregnant!!!!!!"

Our beta today, at 15dpo is 203.5

Today, we are still pregnant.

Wow.

I'm really in utter shock and amazement. I'm at work and I have meetings all day long, so I need to stay composed. I also know that a positive beta does not equal a take home baby. But for now, we are one GIANT step closer than we've been before. I will go back in on Monday for my second beta. They weren't going to have me get one, but I, of course, need that reassurance. And then we'll go from there.

Next up, refocus on work and obsess about symptoms. It's a great day.

ICLW AND Beta Day!!!

Happy ICLW and welcome to my little corner of the web and of the ALI community!

Today is a big day for Tidy and me. It's beta day of our very first Anonymous Donor Egg IVF cycle.  We are 10dp5dt  (10 days past 5 day transfer) of 2 beautiful blasts. And, we are blessed enough to have 6 more blasts in the freezer (which takes just a little pressure off this cycle... kind of). It was truly a perfect cycle on the embryo front and I am so very very thankful for that. Dotty 2.0 (the name we have for our SECOND anonymous donor ... you can read more about that saga here) did amazing. I can't thank this woman enough (and I literally can't because she's anonymous). I hope that she feels the gratitude that we have for her taking the time out of our her life to give us this opportunity.

Before you read further, I will say that this post does NOT contain results of my beta. I will post late tonight or early tomorrow with those results... So please keep reading further and later today!!!

Here's the quick play by play: In the last almost 5 years, Tidy and I have been through 5 IUIs, 6 embryo transfers (4 fresh IVF, 2 FETs) with my own eggs, 1 laparoscopy and countless natural cycles with acupuncture, herbs, diet changes and yoga. It's been a long unexplained road...

I never imagined we would be here, not in my wildest dreams, but here we are and for the first time in quite a few years, I feel more hopeful that ever. Hopeful, but of course preparing for a negative, because, hey, that's what we've been accustomed to. Or a chemical... I've had about 3 of those.. FUN!

SO, for any new readers, please follow me and leave a comment and tell me more about you! I love new followers and I'm usually pretty good about commenting back.

Stay tuned for our beta results....

OH! and one more thing. Recently I posted about Tidy's Wisdom... and I have one more of our random evening conversations to share. This happened last night:

Tidy: "Should I have a beer or tea?"
Me: "Have a beer. We've got 6 frosties in the freezer, so ya know. I don't need your swimmers again for quite a while." (Cuz clearly I'm a total paranoid freak and would give him the evil eye for every beer that he had while we were going through this cycle).
Tidy:" Yeah, you're done with my junk. So now I'm on a slow train to toxic town!"

He's a funny one alright... a funny one indeed.

4 Days until Beta

I'm a big walking contradiction during the two week wait.

I know, logically, that even at 6dp5dt (the analogy of 11 days past ovulation in the IVF world) it's highly unlikely that I should "feel" pregnant. In fact, when supporting my friends going through this in THEIR two week waits, I always coach them into not peeing on sticks and not worrying if they don't feel anything.

But when it comes to myself, all logic goes out the window. I feel like I should just feel something by now, right? RIGHT? Because I KNOW my body and I KNOW that when I finally get pregnant I KNOW that it will tell me, right away.... right? RIGHT?

Come on body, give me a sign!!!!!!!!!

And no, I'm not going to pee on a stick.

Ah the two week wait... I know you well.

Another One Bites the Dust

Beta went down to 9.8
Stopping all meds.
I can't say I'm surprised, but it still stings.

I'll write more later, for now, I just need  a little quite time and a big glass of wine.

Calm Before the Storm

There's always this nice calm before the storm hits on Beta day for me. I usually go to the clinic in the morning at about 7:30 and give blood. I know the results will appear on the web portal I can log into somewhere before 10am. I also know I will receive a phone call from either a nurse (if positive) or the RE (if negative or unclear). But I am usually at work that day and so I choose not to look online OR answer my phone. Its pretty crazy, I know, but I works for me. I just couldn't stand getting any kind of bad or iffy news at work, even with my own office.

So after making through the work day, I drive home and wait to meet Tidy so we can look online together at the result and then listen to the voicemail. But before we actually look online, a calm usually washes over me. I'm not sure why. I think its because I know my life is about to change and I am going to experience an emotional on-slaught either way. And somehow, that simple moment before knowing is very peaceful. Its very alive and real and I wish I had more words to describe it. Does that make any sense?

Well, today was no different. Same deal. Didn't answer the phone, didn't listen to the voice mail, didn't check online, drove home, got on the computer, Tidy got home, and we logged in, just waiting to get it over with so we could move on, open a bottle of wine and pretend its just any other day. Because after all, there's no way in hell this worked.

But then we saw a number that was NOT zero.

My beta is 25.3

Hmmmm. I'm not sure what to make of it. Technically we are pregnant, but I was hoping for something, say, in the range of 200. At 16dpo, 25.3 just seems a bit low.

So we wait more, and we go back in on Wednesday, and we pray that if there's a little guy or gal holding on in there, that they decide to stick around this time, because I know that we would be so very happy to have them stay.... so very very happy.