Anger is from Unfairness... duh!

You would think by the title of this blog that I would be talking about the unfairness of infertility.

But I'm not.

First, a cycle update before my story: Dotty had her baseline yesterday and all went well. She is starting her meds today. I should get an update on Monday after her first ultrasound. Fingers, toes and eyes are crossed that we get a few good embryos out of this deal... well, that and a baby too :-)

Ok, back to the story... I learned a lot yesterday from my therapist. A lot about unfairness and anger. And while it now all seems very obvious, I feel like I understand some of the anger that I carry around inside a whole lot better.

I get angry, like screaming angry, at my sister and at my husband, but mostly in my dreams (sometimes in person... but I try not to). I'm usually angry at them for doing something that I think is unfair, or not the way I think it should go. I don't WANT to be an angry person. And mostly in real life, I don't think I am. But I definitely have some deep seeded anger down inside there.

I talked with my therapist yesterday about these dreams and the anger that I carry around. She said that anger is from a perceived feeling of unfairness, injustice. And it's ok to feel things are unfair and react, but the reaction should be on par with the stimulus. So it's ok to give a little eye roll at something small, say like when someone cuts in front of you in line, but it's not ok to feel intense tightness in your chest. That tightness though, really isn't about the line cutter, say, but about some deeper feelings of injustice/unfairness in your life that you haven't resolved.

We then talked a bit about my mom's disease (bipolar), and about how old I was when she was first hospitalised. I was only 12, I think. 12 years old... and at that point, I took on the house maker role in some ways. I did laundry, and cleaned the kitchen, and organized things, I packed lunches. It was a lot for a 12 year old to deal with but I think, if memory serves me right, that it kind of felt good. It felt good because things were quite chaotic in our house hold when mom was at her sickest, and when she was gone, there was sadness, but there was also peace. And I liked that peace.

It's funny though. As I look back on that time in my life, I see it now as a 36 year old, not as a 12 year old. And I have no friggin clue what and how a 12 year old thinks and how having to step into that role and be an adult for a while, at age 12, affected me.

Hmmm.... I wonder if I feel like that was UNFAIR!?!?!? Unfair that I had to worry about those things and didn't have a care free 12 -20 year old existence? Unfair that my mom and I didn't have the relationship that I probably craved. Unfair that my sisters were younger and maybe didn't seem affected by it as I did at the time. (Clearly, each of us has our own memory of our childhoods, which might not always match... but that's ok. There is no right memory, ya know? They are individually ours)

And so maybe, when I get angry at things in my dreams and sometimes in my life, and I feel that tightness in my chest and desire to correct the wrongness, it's not really about that perceived unfairness at that time, but it's actually about this unfairness I haven't dealt with from so long ago.

Hmmmm... It all seems so obvious to me..... now! I think I'm really going to like going to my therapist. Next question for her is... why my sister and my dear Tidy? Why are they the objects of my anger in my dreams?

I think therapy is going to agree with me :-)

A Mother's Day Wish

I want to be remembered today, on Mother's Day. I want the people in my life to think of ME today and say, "Hey Tippy, I know today might be a hard day for you. I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hopeful that you will be a mom someday soon."

(A little self-centered? Feeling sorry for myself? Yes, a bit.)

And some of my friends did (Thank you :-) )  My SIL and her husband did too. Even a classmate from gradeschool, who I am only facebook friends with and haven't really seen in over 20 years, who is struggling with her own brain tumor fight right now, did.... How selfless!

But my mom, the one person who I really wish would recognize what this means to me, did not. I'm not sure what it is about her personality, her disease, her own emotional health, but she is not very empathetic. I think back to a lot of my childhood with her, and many of my memories are jaded with cravings of more affection, more comfort. I don't think that I always went to her for those things as she was either tending to her younger children who needed her more at that time, or her bipolar disease was more active and I tried to stay away from her. In the recent past, as she has been more stable and healthy, we have developed a more loving and affectionate relationship. She says things like, "Tippy, you're the cutest!" and gives me a hug, and I feel fulfilled for a moment or two.

Despite this more recent affection, there will always be an underlying disapproval from my mom of the way that I am going about finding my child, and that stings. My mom doesn't believe in IVF. She is Catholic and she takes a very literal interpretation of the teachings of her church. I know that Catholic does not mean anti-IVF, and please, for your Catholic readers out there, do not take my writings as anti-Catholic. They are merely a discussion about how my mom interprets her religion....  Anyways,  my mom is also disappointed in me for not practicing the religion that she and my dad brought me up in. I truly believe, that she thinks if I come back to the church, that god will finally give me a baby.

So, here I sit, on Mother's Day 2011, craving a little understanding and care from my mother, but not willing to let her know what I need from her. I don't like to ask, for one, but I also don't like to get in conversations with her about our infertility because they often lead to her disapproval of us doing any more IVF cycles. I can't even imagine what she would say if we told her we were considering Donor Egg IVF...

Because I am stubborn and don't want to ask for help, I will sit here silently and wish for my mom to call me and say, "Tippy, I'm thinking of you today too... "

Gracias, Mexico

A week can do wonders, especially when it's a week on a beach in Mexico.

Tidy and I had a great time together. We EVEN had sex for fun!!! Can you believe it? A 4+ year veteran of the infertility world having sex.... for ... FUN???  Wow.

Needless to say, it was a welcome break.

I also fell in love again... twice... once with an old friend (tequila) and once with a new friend (chilaquiles). I love Mexico.

But now it's back to reality and in the past two days since we've been back, reality has hit me hard. I've already cried to Tidy a few times, saying, "Take me back there! I wanna go back!!!"

First, I started Lupron for my FET during the latter half of my trip. I was really proud of myself for not bruising my belly and was able to still wear my bikini the whole time! I go in for my baseline this Thursday and am hoping that I am suppressed enough so that I can start my estrogen. Even though an FET is way less stressful than an IVF cycle, I still am anxious about getting into the 2ww again and getting my hopes up. Moreso, I'm anxious that we made the right decision to put these embryos back in me and not into a surrogate or even try to test them for chromosomal issues... but in the end, I didn't want to risk not having these embryos to transfer and so I guess we'll never know if my eggs truly suck or if I've just been unlucky 5 times, or if I really do have immune issues.

I also have a free phone consult with CCRM next week, but I'm not really sure I will learn anything new or want to change the course of this FET based on a 5th opinion... or whatever it is now... I can't keep track. Maybe I should read my own timeline.. LOL!

Secondly, I'm anxious for a different reason... And maybe now that I've gone 'incognito' from the majority of my IRL friends and family, I can more openly discuss another family issue that has caused me pain and anxiety... you see.... My mom is bi-polar and schizo-effective. And I love her. And she's an amazing mom in many ways, today... But she's been this way for at least 30 years. For the last 10 years or so, we've been blessed as a family that my mom has stayed on her medication and for the most part has been stable, but there are times here and there that signs of a 'sick' mom peak through and it puts all of us on edge. And that's occurring right now.... and I can't control it... and it makes me worried and anxious that she will have another episode...

... there's so much more I could go into here, but I will say that I do believe growing up in an unpredictable childhood, no matter how hard my dad tried to keep our family as stable as possible, has somehow affected my fertility. I think there's some deep issues in my psyche that relate to my relationship with my mom and have prevented me from truly being open to motherhood in some ways.... for now... i'll leave this topic at that, but the figurative can of worms has been opened.

So, on the night before I have to go back to work and give up my spring break from infertility and from worrying about the health and well-being of my family, I sit here wondering where these next few weeks will take me and hope that I can keep some of the peace (and fun sex) that I gained on the beach this last week...  Gracias, Mexico, for a much needed respite.