Friday, May 25, 2012

Dear Tidy, I Promise..

I've had a lot of friends who suffer from post-partum issues. These issues are common, and they range from mild anxiety, nervousness to serious deep depression. I've known women with all variations. As I have also said in prior posts, my mom suffers from bi-polar disorder which I believe was worsened or triggered by post-partum issues.

Because of this, especially because of my mom's history, I have always had a deep fear of suffering from post-partum mood disorders and it is a deep enough fear that, for a long time I didn't even want to have kids. I feared that if I did, I would turn into my mom's disease. 

Right now, Tidy and I are in a grove. We communicate well, we let each other have independence when we need it, we share responsibilities in our house in a pretty equal manner, and we actually like hanging out together. We're a great team and I am grateful for that. I must be honest, however, that I worry this may change with the arrival of our twins. Twins that we have wanted for so long, and worked so hard to get to, but will be life changing nonetheless.

I've heard people say it to me 10 million times, "Oh Tippy, you have NO idea...  Life is going to be SOOO different. You will be so tired and out of it that you won't know which end is up." Yeah, I get it. It's gonna be hard, and life changing. Thanks. I'm not sure how that helps me now, but....

...what I do feel is that Tidy and I are strong and we can get through this, together. Yes, we have no idea what we are in for, but we will work through this, in our own way, as a team. This is what I want, and hope for this new part of our lives.

But then my fear of post-partum issues takes over and I worry what if I slip into some type of anxiety or depression and I don't team with Tidy well? And he can't convince me to get help? And we fall apart... and and and... 

So I wanted to write to you, Tidy, some words of promise that we can both come back to after our babies are born and we are both sleep deprived, and anxiously trying to figure out how to care for twins: 

Dear Tidy, 

Here are my promises to you as we anticipate our entry into the world of parenthood: 
  • I promise to be your partner in raising our children and I promise to let you be mine
  • I promise to try not to micromanage your parenting (Notice I said "try" here, as we both know this will be a challenge for me, but if I can learn how to not micromanage you in the kitchen, then there is hope I can in parenthood as well... ;-) ) 
  • I promise to listen to you if you have concerns about my emotional well being and consider your thoughts on how to improve my health
  • I promise to find time for you each day, to look you in the eye and say "hello" and "I love you", even if it is for just 2 minutes, and we both want just crash on the couch and sleep for a week
I am scared, and excited, and hopeful, and have so many different emotions right now. But mostly I know that we will enter into this new stage as a team, as one... I have faith in you, in me and in us. I love you more today than I have ever loved you and I can only imagine seeing you as a father will deepen this.


Melody said...

Ugh I got soo many, "you have no idea" comments. Yes I KNEW my life was going to change. Those comments aren't helpful though. Give me some advice!!
All I can say to you is I struggles with depression and had o take anti drepressants when I was younger. I have been off them for a while and I was worried I would struggle from ppd. I just was very open with my husband when I needed help or was struggling with little things. I think communication is key. You'll get overwhelmed. Being a new mom and to twins will be hard BUT you were made for this and when your exahaused and your bayb is crying for the millionth time you will look at their little faces and know there's no place you would rather be.
I got frustrated this morning and I was upset with my son ( he's 3.5months) but then he smiled at me and all was forgiven. Trust yourself!! Your already a great mom!

LisaB said...

I think it's great that you are aware of these issues and you're thinking about it now. You are so well-prepared! And you guys are an awesome couple. I have no doubt that you can face whatever challenges come up. *hugs*

KC said...

You are so smart to think of all of these things that are going to come up. Having a baby can be taxing on a relationship and twins can be even more so. However, I found infertility even harder. I actually think it prepares us for the sleepless nights and differences of opinons. I can't say that I don't mircomanage G but I am aware of it and try to keep it to a minimum. We have different styles but at the end of the day we love each other and are both doing the best for our boys. Good luck and you will love every bit of being a mom to twins.

KC said...

I was sure I would have post-partum and actually shocked that I haven't had any signs yet. I am an extremely emotional person and I have always felt that I might have some form of depression. I even signed up for a therapist appointment to discuss my feeling after the boys arrived. I figured if I was in a down spiral I probably wouldn't address it unless it was previously set up. Luckily I didn't need the appointment but it was good to watch for the signs anyways. I hope you are able to avoid going through it too but I will be here for you if you experience it. By the way I noticed during my stay in the NICU that most moms have a mental breakdown with emotions on day 3, myself included.

Heather said...

In the beginning there were days where I had to take it hour by hour. You'll get through it. I thnk you've got a great teammate in Tidy. The best piece of advice I got was that the days are long, but the months are so short. Yup...I can't believe my baby will be a year old in just a few weeks. Time goes by so so fast. Enjoy each stage while it lasts.

Ted and Maria said...

Okay seriously got teary. Yup, we have no idea either, but if you stay a team, you'll figure it out. And you guys are one helluva team. :)

Roccie said...

You are pure awesome w this one. You are great parents.