Monday, November 21, 2011

New Skin

This new skin I am living in, this pregnancy thing, is so.... different, and yet so right, like I've known how to do this all along...

I should say however, that every now and again, infertility's hold on my fear and my negative expectations gets the best of me.

Today, we went into our health care clinic to get a "dating" ultrasound at 8 weeks are 4 days. It was our second peak inside. I had no reason to worry, really. My symptoms have been pretty consistent (which I'll get to in another post) and we did already see the heartbeats once, so we shouldn't have reason to worry, but that expectation of bad news is SOOO strong. Infertility has done a number on my psyche and sometimes I can't seem to shake it.

I was waiting for Tidy to get there, but he was running late, so the tech called me back and I looked at her and simply burst into tears. I blurted out that it was only our second look inside, and we've been trying for these babies for about 5 years and I'm so scared that we aren't going to see what we need to see today and so I really really wanted to wait for my husband. She was sweet and showed me back to the ultrasound room and to the box of kleenex and let the women at the front desk know to get Tidy back there ASAP, when he showed up.

I was so crippled for a few minutes by true terror that those babies inside me had stopped growing and I didn't want to face this without Tidy. Crippled with a quickened heart rate, streaming hot tears, and panic of bad news.

But I pulled up my big girl pants, and dried my tears and got on that table. And sure enough, we weren't disappointed.  Both babies showed their beautiful heartbeats to the tech and she then turned on the overhead monitor so I could see. I saw them both flickering away, super fast, at 167 beats per minute. Both Baby A and Baby B are also measuring around 2cm, just about 8w4d.

Big... Sigh... of Relief

Big... Jumps... of Joy

A few minutes later, Tidy walked in and I cried even more, sharing with him the good news and just reveling in another moment of this amazing journey we are on and the new skin that I am living in...

... a pregnant woman, with twins.

Grateful can not even begin to describe what I am feeling right now.


11 comments:

amiracle4us said...

I can imagine that fear stays with you to some extent the whole time. Just keep thinking about those lil ones growing big and strong :) xo

Heather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heather said...

I know your fear. Given what you've been through I think it's normal. But yay for seeing those beating hearts! What a great thanksgiving gift!

Kate said...

I wept as I read this and then laughed out loud at the "big girl pants" comment. Then wept with joy.

Cherm said...

I too know that feeling well! So hard to shake that expectation that bad news is just around the corner. BUT there they were, your two beautiful beans and the heartbeats!! YIPEEE!!!

I got choked up as I read this and breathed a sigh of relief when hearing all went well. You are on your way mama!!!

Roccie said...

Gah, I loves you.

I know that cold sweat all too well. I hate to know it haunts you as well, but I am not surprised.

Your joy, delight and grateful heart just ooze. Enjoy it all pregnant Momma.

ps - but really, you pulled OFF your big girl pants...

thirtiesgirl said...

So happy you had a perfect ultrasound!

jill's infertility document said...

I am just so happy for you. You pulled on your big girl paper sheet.

lisabttc said...

I know how scary it is!! I'm so so overjoyed for you guys! Thank goodness the babies are doing great! Finally your dreams are coming true - you deserve it!!

ks said...

That fear will bugger off once you start feeling all those wonderful kicks! I know it's so hard...but hold onto your feelings right now until the next u/s...it does get a little easier but IF really does a number on us...
I'm so happy that everything is ticking along for you!
All my best!

Heather said...

I gave you an award on my blog check it out. Congrats on your two twins!