Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Fear can SUCK IT!

I went to a spinning class last night!  Me, a 6w3d pregnant woman... spinning. (I'm pregnant!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!! )
And it felt amazing, cathartic...revolutionary...

I spent an hour in this class, staring at myself in the mirror and biked just like when I was not pregnant (well maybe not as hard... ). I wanted to scream from the rooftops with joy and victory over fear.  I watched myself pedal to the music with the energy of the class, I felt free, invigorated, like I had hunted down my fear, and made it cower in the corner, yelled at it, shamed it, and said... "FUCK YOU fear !! I WILL NO LONGER LET YOU DICTATE HOW I LIVE MY LIFE! I will RUN and I will SWIM and I will BIKE WHILE I am pregnant and it will feel GOOD and be healthy for my babies! I am done with you, fear, YOU WILL NOT RULE ME!!!!"

Before infertility, when I foolishly thought getting pregnant would be "easy", I had always said that I would want to continue doing what I love to do while I am pregnant (taking the necessary precautions of course, like getting a heart rate monitor so I don't over do it and make sure I don't get over heated).
But as it took us longer and longer to get pregnant, I cut out more and more activities that I had thrived on and fear took over a place in my mind, tainting my actions.

It would tell me that if I do something wrong or did too much activity, I will not be able to get pregnant, AND, if I was lucky enough to become pregnant, I would have to sit in a little bubble for 9 months and not move for fear of my babies not wanting to stick around. This fear dictated that I shouldn't exercise or even think of going to the gym... But exercise is such a huge part of my life and it keeps me sane and defines who I am.

So last night, after I made the decision to get myself out the door and to the gym, fighting the little life that the fear had left in me, I was finally able to hunt fear down for the last time and put it out of it's misery.  It hit me and I thought... I can do this! I CAN bike, I CAN swim and I CAN run!!!  And I WILL!!!  (as long as my babies are safe and healthy and my doctor thinks it's ok.)

It's an amazing feeling to be free... simply amazing.

So, suck it, fear... You no longer rule me!

7 comments:

RunningMama said...

This is EXACTLY why I am still running at 30 weeks pregnant. I was sick of fear holding me back. Of BLAMING myself for my inability to get pregnant. People get pregnant while running marathons, training for the Ironman, and other feats. People RUN marathons while pregnant and while they may not do the Ironman, I'm sure other triathletes have continued to be active. So, I say: YOU GO GIRL!

Baby Hopes said...

I second RunningMama! YOU GO GIRL!!! AND FEAR CAN SUCK IT!!! I'm 5 weeks 3 days today and not quite brave enough to get back into my exercise. I exercised with high impact aerobics (and anaerobics) right up to the day I found out I was pregnant. It's been about a week and a half and I'm just not there yet... I have a lot of questions for my RE at Friday's ultrasound, so I'm guessing I'll take it from there. Enjoy and kudos to keeping fear in its rightful place.

Sarah said...

You go girl!!!

If you feel comfortable then as Nike says "Just Do It!!!"

Maria said...

I love how you minimized the word fear in this post. It's insignificant! Yay, Tippy!!!

Roccie said...

You are so very rock and roll.

Heather said...

Hi Tippy!
found you on lost and found and just wanted to say hi and congrats. I am 8 weeks so 2 weeks ahead of you. I also stress about what I do but I admire the way you don't allow the fear to take over and keep going!

Elle said...

What a wonderful way to feel. It is amazing how such good news can make everything else in life doable. Keep it up!