Cleanse-ing

I did a cleanse just over a year ago to improve my health, and in hopes that I would get pregnant. Yes, that may seem silly to some of you, but that was during my year and a half or so kick of "if I just change everything about my life and go 'au natural' I will get pregnant."  Acupuncture, herbs, meditation, liver-detox-cleanse, Reiki, Yoga, Gluten-Free, Vegan... you name it, I tried it. And it didn't work. And I didn't try it half heartedly, I mean, I was all in!  (There's still a little part of me that feels like I could have tried harder, that type-A, overachieving part of me that needs to learn how to shut the hell up  most of the time)

I still do really enjoy some of the lifestyle changes that I made during that period in my infertility journey and I have stuck with a few of them because they make me happy, but I don't really believe that they will get me pregnant anymore.

Last year, after I did the cleanse I felt proud of myself and that my body was in a good place. I did something good for my body to rid itself of toxins and emotions that I had been clinging to. I had self discipline. I was victorious over my own self-indulgence!

So I made a promise to myself to do it once a year. Some people recommend once a season, but... man, life moves too fast for that. Once a year will do me just fine.

Today, I am in the middle, the hardest day of the cleanse. Today is the day that I am fasting. (Here's a link to my cleanse if you are interested and it's appendix  - yup, an appendix). No food. Only liquids: lemonade (made w/ organic lemons, filterd water, cayenne pepper and local maple syrup), peppermint tea, water, and detox broth (veggie broth made from certain veggies that help to remove toxins from your body). After today, it's easy sailing and I gradually climb back up to my usual diet over the course of a few days. Right now, I'm kind of anxious and really really want to give in. I won't, but I'm just looking forward to tomorrow so I can stuff my fat face again, albeit with fruits and veggies only, but still, that sounds like heaven compared to today. Honestly though, it's not... that.... bad.

Why do I do this? Some of it is self-discipline, and I think at some deep level, I want to have a clean slate with my body for this upcoming DE IVF cycle. I want to feel like I'd done my best at ridding my body of inflammation and toxins from my prior year and have every opportunity for our potential babies (assuming we get to that point in the cycle) to stick. Now, my rational mind KNOWS that no way in hell is a cleanse going to be the thing that either makes or breaks this cycle, but somehow, I just felt like I should do it.

And so, here I sit, salivating for raw veggies, hoping that I will find some peace for the rest of the day and just enjoy the fact that I'm sticking with my choice to do this....