Quick Update

Dotty 2.0 went in this past Tuesday for a quick 'look see' at her ovaries. All looks pretty good, but she's got some stuff still resolving on one of her ovaries, likely from her recent cycle. She's going back in tomorrow to see if it's resolving and if so, stims start on Friday after a lining check for me...

Ya know, I'm really really really calm right now about all of this. For some reason, after my big freak out a few weeks back about the length of time I'm going to be in a 'holding pattern' on estrogen and lupron, I've just let it all go...

I don't know if it's because work is just so insanely busy right now and I literally have no time to focus on this? Or if it's because I'm just learning how to let things go?

Regardless, it feels good today to not be anxious about the timing of all of this and about what the answer tomorrow will be.... I've found my Zen :-)

(Remind me of this when we finally get to the 2ww, k?)

Donation Update

Just a quick update and a HUGE thank you to those of you out there in bloggy world that have donated to the fund raising we are doing for my friend who had some extra long and big bumps in the journey to her child.  Here's a link to their story.

We have raised over $500!!! I can't believe it!

It's been so fun to coordinate this and see all the money come it. It so warms my heart. I just want to gush all over and cry at how nice people have been. So from the depths of my heart, thank you so much.

I will take the donation button down in a few days, so this is your last chance to donate if you would like to.

Oh, and their story ends on a fantastic note. I got a text from my friend mid-last week... The judge signed their final adoption papers, and termination of parental rights (birth parental rights). Their baby boy, who has been living with my friends for all 10 weeks of his life, is officially theirs...  A happy ending.

We are going to give them the $$ via mail (in a safe and secure way, of course) and hope that it can help put a dent in those extra legal bills.

Again, thank you ALI community, from the very bottom of my heart. It's a beautiful thing you have done :-)

Dotty 2.0

Tidy and I went to our RE yesterday afternoon to look at donor profiles and we found a bigger and better (ovarian reserve, speaking) version of Dotty. We signed the intent papers and officially have been matched with our new donor. Yet another new beginning in this long journey to our child.

Henceforth, she will be called Dotty 2.0.

We are so very lucky that the timing worked out with her. She's one of our clinic's "rock star" donors. She's young, has a child of her own, has done a few cycles and has always had frozen embryos as well as some pregnancy outcomes in the intended parent.

Now I know this doesn't necessarily mean that we will have the same results, but we have a much more "proven" and vetted donor this time.

She's not as 'familiar' looking as I felt when I saw Dotty (the original donor) for the first time, but I think right now, we are willing to take someone who has a bit less of a physical resemblance for quick availability and "rock star" status.

I must say that this process hasn't been easy, emotionally. I really am excited to move forward with her, but as I suspected, going back to look at these profiles made me feel a sense of longing for my own genetics. It re-opened that wound. Dotty 2.0 doesn't have the exact features I was looking for, but she's cute, as much as you can tell from a less than one year old picture. I think I just have a lot of fear that if we get pregnant, I will react negatively to the look of our baby that comes out of me 9 months later. I'm honestly terrified that she or he will look a certain way that I don't find attractive in my child... Is that crazy? I'm sure that sounds awfully superficial. And I'm somewhat embarrassed to write it. But it's a real fear that I felt when I started this process and I feel now. I wonder if this is a true fear of people in my situation? I don't know. Is this nuts?

It doesn't seem to bother Tidy at all. He's very excited about this donor based on her stats. He's so ready for this to work and for this to be over with, and oh my gosh, so.  am.  I! But...

...fears surface and I wonder.

We will find out this coming Tuesday how soon we can cycle with her. She could start her meds as early as this coming Thursday. Our bump in the road could equate to only about a 2 week delay.

Dumping Dotty

I got the phone call from my RE's office while I was in the middle of a meeting yesterday at work, and while I didn't get any details (ya me! I didn't ask for any either... can you believe it? I let go of some of the control!!!) ... they recommended that we cancel her cycle.

So, with that, we are dumping our donor.

Sorry Dotty, it's not you.... it's your ovaries. They aren't kicking it the way we need them to. This just isn't working out...

Ya know what, though? I'm actually ok emotionally and very glad this was a clear decision, per the doctor's recommendation. I am kind of sad to lose her, but... not really. I thought I was more attached to her than I am, but I'm not. I guess I was really just attached to the idea of her rockin' ovaries. But now that I know they aren't optimal and there are other women out there with way better ovaries... I want THOSE ovaries instead!

There is some sadness resurfacing because I now have to go back into the clinic and choose a donor...again... and I know that process brings up feelings of loss of my own genetics. I'm already feeling a bit sad once again that I don't get to pass on my own genetics... my hair, my legs, my height, my eye color, my quirks, my face shape...

With Dotty, I was feeling like I wanted so badly to make an emotional connection with my donor, at some strange anonymous level that we were allowed to. But really right now, what I want are just some healthy eggs. I'm not buying a relationship here, I'm just buying some genetic material that may or may not be close to my own. In the end, my child will be their own unique individual, no matter where their genetic material comes from. And I will love him/her/them as fully as I would love any child because they are an individual, they are themselves, not because they did or did not come from an egg that I grew in my own body.

So, while this break up was done via a third party (ie, my clinic), I do hope that Dotty doesn't feel too badly about herself. I'm sure it's a disappointment from her point of view that her body didn't do something that it was supposed to do, and she doesn't get that nice healthy sum of money after the retrieval...

There's VERY small suspicious part of my mind that wonders if maybe she got cold feet and just didn't take the meds... (yes, I know, that's a bit crazy to think.. but... ya never know, right?)

In any event, these are things I will never know, so the only option I have is to keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other, marching, every so diligently, towards our baby...

Things I am Grateful For

I must admit that yesterday's news was pretty deflating. I can't say I was super puffed up with hope, but it just seems that there's always something that happens in my cycles that I don't expect. I'm sure many of you feel that way. Potentially, yet another delay.

So, instead of telling you about how I skipped golf after work, came home and wallowed on the couch for a few hours before peeling myself up... I will tell you about some things I am grateful for today that helped me re-focus and hopefully get me over this bump in the road.

1. Watching Pog get her "cone of shame" off her head and do a happy dance. She's had this thing on for about a week after we had a few cysts removed from her eyelid.
2. The Wailin Jennys, one of my favorite chicky-folky bands. The perfect song for day is called "Begin" (see below). It's a song about letting go, a lesson we could all use, right?
3. My good friends, especially those who know how this feels and really truly understand. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all of your support and comments yesterday. They mean the WORLD to me.
4. Being called a Warrior by a few of my friends. We are all warriors... fertility warriors. And to battle we go, each and every day, until we have won, with our baby in arms. It makes me think of that awesome Pat Benatar song... I'll have to post that one another time.
5. Cooking a yummy meal of zucchini risotto. It turned out so well! (Thanks KV, for making this for me last weekend. I had to try my hand at it. I think I like the shallots better than onions)
6. A big hug from Tidy.
7. Getting some good feedback from my boss at work today.

Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy this beautiful song (I should listen to my own advice)

Really? When Does the Bad News Stop?

A quick update while I gather my thoughts and figure out how to go into my next meeting at work without bawling my eyes out.

My RE called to give me the update from Dotty's 1st monitoring appointment this morning and when SHE calls, as opposed to the nurse, that's not good.

Dotty's ovaries aren't responding to the meds...

FUCK.

We're going to give her three more days on the meds to see if her ovaries decide to wake up, but we may be faced with scrapping her and starting over with a new donor.

I'm  so so so so so sick of bad news.

It's ICLW time again!

(This is somewhat of a re-post of July's ICLW welcome that hardly anyone read because I goofed when I signed up for it, so forgive me if it might sound a bit familiar)

It's been a few months since I've participated in ICLW and I must admit, the last few months when I didn't participate, I felt a bit lonely in blog world! So I'm excited to be back and hopefully gain some new readership. And I did try to participate in it LAST month, but I made a mistake and put a link to my  OLD blog, so new readers couldn't find me. Silly me.

For those of you who are newer to the infertility blogging world, a bit of info on what ICLW is can be found here.

This is an exciting time for Tidy and I. We are right in the midst of our first DE IVF cycle. Dotty (the nick-name we have given to our anonymous egg donor, which stands for Donor for Tippy and Tidy) started her stims this past Friday. This is a whole new world for us. One that we are both scared and hopeful for. If any of you have happened along my blog specifically because of donor eggs, welcome! I hope to shed some light on this process and share my journey along this new and hopefully short path.
For those of you who have been with me for a while, I do cherish your readership and your comments. They mean so much to me!

So, without further ado, here's a quick get to know me from the fertility point of view if you are new here:

1. Tidy and I have been ttc for 4.5 years next month (that amounts to over 50 attempts to have a baby)
2. We've had all the testing there is to test: HSG, SHG, every hormone under the sun, Laparoscopy, Immune panels, blood clotting panels.. you name it, we've done it. I promise!
3. We've done 5 IUIs, 4 IVFs (4 Fresh transfers, 2 Frozen), TONS of herbs, acupuncture, diet changes (gluten free, vegan-ish, organic), yoga, guided meditation..
4. Of the above treatments, we've had only 2 confirmed chemical pregnancies.
5. We STILL really don't know if anything is technically wrong.

We needed some new hope, so we decided to buy a 26 yr old woman's eggs in order of having a much higher chance at a pregnancy. Yes, that is a fairly blunt way to describe our next steps, but in essence, that's what we are doing... And for the first time in my life, I have now become protective of some other woman's ovaries. It's a very strange feeling.

So please join me, Tidy and our anonymous donor, Dotty, and follow along as we venture into this new world of DE IVF.

Thanks for your comments in advance.