Dotty 2.0

Tidy and I went to our RE yesterday afternoon to look at donor profiles and we found a bigger and better (ovarian reserve, speaking) version of Dotty. We signed the intent papers and officially have been matched with our new donor. Yet another new beginning in this long journey to our child.

Henceforth, she will be called Dotty 2.0.

We are so very lucky that the timing worked out with her. She's one of our clinic's "rock star" donors. She's young, has a child of her own, has done a few cycles and has always had frozen embryos as well as some pregnancy outcomes in the intended parent.

Now I know this doesn't necessarily mean that we will have the same results, but we have a much more "proven" and vetted donor this time.

She's not as 'familiar' looking as I felt when I saw Dotty (the original donor) for the first time, but I think right now, we are willing to take someone who has a bit less of a physical resemblance for quick availability and "rock star" status.

I must say that this process hasn't been easy, emotionally. I really am excited to move forward with her, but as I suspected, going back to look at these profiles made me feel a sense of longing for my own genetics. It re-opened that wound. Dotty 2.0 doesn't have the exact features I was looking for, but she's cute, as much as you can tell from a less than one year old picture. I think I just have a lot of fear that if we get pregnant, I will react negatively to the look of our baby that comes out of me 9 months later. I'm honestly terrified that she or he will look a certain way that I don't find attractive in my child... Is that crazy? I'm sure that sounds awfully superficial. And I'm somewhat embarrassed to write it. But it's a real fear that I felt when I started this process and I feel now. I wonder if this is a true fear of people in my situation? I don't know. Is this nuts?

It doesn't seem to bother Tidy at all. He's very excited about this donor based on her stats. He's so ready for this to work and for this to be over with, and oh my gosh, so.  am.  I! But...

...fears surface and I wonder.

We will find out this coming Tuesday how soon we can cycle with her. She could start her meds as early as this coming Thursday. Our bump in the road could equate to only about a 2 week delay.

Welcome!

Hi everyone!

Hope that you found me here from my prior blog. I told some of you that I was moving here and am hoping that all of my ALI (Adoption, Loss and Infertility) friends will find there way here. Perfect timing with ICLW starting on the 21st! I will leave my old blog up for a while, but may eventually remove it... we'll see.

I made the move over to an 'incognito' blog for two reasons (you can read a bit about it on the last post of my prior blog)

1) Certain circumstances made me less comfortable being brutally honest, which I need and deserve to be on my blog. Because of this, I decided to go underground from certain readers. Nothing earth-shattering, but mostly just self preservation. First and foremost, this is a place for me to release my emotions of this fertility journey and if I can't do that on my blog, where can i, right?

2) If we choose to go down the donor egg or adoption trail if this final FET with our own genetics fails, it will allow me and Tidy (formally known as B) a private space to make these decisions without being judged by people IRL. Not that our family and friends are judgmental, in fact they have been nothing but mostly supportive. But there's always room for misunderstandings and assumptions. And right now, I don't need that.

So, please let me know you have found me here by either following me or leaving me a comment.

Cheers to a new beginning!

Oh, and for my ICLW folks finding me here for the first time, you can find my story above in the tabs (TTC Timeline... ). Currently I'm on BCPs for my final FET with my genetics.... SCARY!