Thursday, February 28, 2013

I'm still infertile

I still am infertile, sub fertile, suck at getting pregnant.. whatever... That's still who I am.

But I own it now. I own infertility, it doesn't own me.

I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but it's place in my life is one of an identity, a battle scar, a little thing that I "show" people here and there when the timing is right as part of the fabric of who I am. 

I wonder sometimes how others feel after they've reached the other side and have succeeded in having a child or two after a long fought battle. I still think about it. And I still think about you all who are on the other side, struggling to get to this one. Rooting for you with all of my hope and might. You are in my thoughts, even though I'm not here often.

It comes up in conversation. People ask if twins run in our family, but I usually say something like, "No, it took us a long time, we had to use fertiilty treatmeitns"

(Yeah, just doing my part at perpetuating the myth that all fertility treatments end up in multiples... You can thank me later ;-) )

It comes up in the quite times in our house when the babies are asleep and Tidy and I look at eachother and pause and think, hmm... this is how quiet it was before kids. Remember? And do you remember all of that pain?

We kind of look at eachother with a little nod but we don't go back there. It's strange. It's this weird feeling to know that for so many years (5 to be exact), we were in a lot of emotinal pain and sometimes anger and often sadness. But somehow, we haven't dug deep back into those depths to really feel that again. It feels so very far away.

Having our babies has made it hard to feel that again.

I'm glad.

And I guess I want to let others of you out there who are still going through this know that hopefully, once you have your babies woven into your lives, you will let go of that pain too and it won't be as easy to access as it once was.... or at least I hope that's how it feels for you.

Sure, you can hold onto it, and let it rot inside you, and be bitter... and there will always be reminders here and there of what that used to feel like... Like when a friend tells you she they got pregnant the first month trying, or you over hear conversations of people talking about how they planned the month they wanted to have their baby. Meh.

But overall, the pain is gone. My heart is filled with so much joy and awe that these two crazy little babies are ours. (Mommy loves you guys, more than I can even find words for)


abcgirl said...

a great post. i would say that as the mother of a just-turned-three-year-old who went through some of this same stuff... it still holds true three years later. it's even harder to access those feelings of deep pain, but they are still there and odd things trigger them unexpectedly.

i especially like your point that it's like a scar that you choose to show some people. so true. we've come a long way.

Erin said...

I like the "sub fertile" idea! Lol! Now that I have my twins, I am embracing infertility more, whereas I used to be ashamed of myself. I feel like it is my job to educate people on the subject and inspire people who are also going through a rough time.
Ps- the babies are adorable! How is the colic coming along? Did she outgrow it yet? My daughter did by 3 months...I hope the same is true for yours. Can be a very hard time!

Elle said...

I think everyone who has been infertile and makes it to the other side always feels the way you do. I know I do, and I know many of us bloggers have said the same thing. To me, the beautiful thing is that we never forgot the fight we had to win to become parents, and it makes us so much more grateful for the little ones we finally have in or lives. I know I am a better, more grateful mother than I would have been otherwise. The journey sucked, but the prize is more than worth the pain.

Jess said...

What a beautiful post! I am so happy for you, and I love that you own infertility (instead of the other way around). This post made me feel so hopeful when lately I've been feeling stagnant and frustrated in the process. Thank you for adding brightness to my day! :)

Jenny said...

The time it hits me hardest is when people who don't know me well enough to know how I struggled and what I went through to bring my twins into this world ask me if I'm planning to or want to have more children. I don't think about my infertility much outside of that. I am grateful that I'm not easily impregnable now, since I cannot fathom how much more complicated and challenging my life would be with a third -- or third and fourth!! -- child. Not to say that I don't coo and fawn over every infant I see. Now I don't suffer the deep yearning for one of my own when I see a teeny cherubic face. Now I don't have to turn away and fight back tears of sorrow and frustration. Now I feel a pang of nostalgia for when my own boys were that young and waves of happiness that I finally have my family and my lifelong dream has come to fruition. I still grieve the loss of my miscarriage, but the pain is dull and fleeting. And honestly, I wouldn't change a thing in the journey that has led me to the present.

KC said...

Well said, it is a scar that I also show with pride. It was hard but now we get to experience the joy. Hope you and the babies are well, I think of you guys often.

Maria Rothenburger said...

Tippy this is one FAB post (and not just because I wanna jump through the screen and squeeze the heck outta those babies). It just hits home, and I think it offers some hope. Infertility is still very much a part of my life, but I love that I feel much more comfy telling people all about it. I also love that the pain is far more difficult to access -- very well said, my friend. :)