I'm referring to me.
I've used this expression a lot lately, even though maybe I just made it up in my head. I intend it to mean that I just need to suck it up and "put on my big girl pants" and go do what I need to do instead of worrying about other things that I can not control at the moment.
I'm 7 weeks back into being a working mom and it is really the most challenging thing that I have done as of late. I feel like I've lost all of my good coping skills that I had learned when going through years of infertility. Somehow, I can't seem to translate those skills to this new environment. Maybe the sleep deprivation has something to do with it.
Here are the issues:
- Our babies suck at sleep, ie, the wake every 2-3 hours in the middle of the night. BabyCenter tells me that they should be sleeping much better. (Fuck you Baby Center)
- Our babies suck at GOING to sleep. It takes us a few hours of pacifier replacements and rocking and some feeding to get them to sleep at night. (PLEASE do not tell me to cry it out, do not tell me that I need to put them to bed earlier, or later or in a different room... blah blah blah. Just please refrain from telling me what to do. I've heard it all and I don't need your advice. I'm cranky because of the sleep deprivation, so hearing others advice might just make me even crankier. Thanks... No offense)
- Our babies are sleeping in their car seats... still. And every time we try to get them to sleep in their cribs, it fails. (Again, PLEASE.. no advice... we are trying)
- I'm working and at work I have way too much on my team's plate and we have some very near deadlines and I don't feel comfortable with everything that we have to get done.
- Tidy's at home with the babies where I would rather be. He's doing a great job. I'm proud of him. But he's not doing the job exactly the way I would be doing it. I know that me trying to micro manage his parenting and stay at home dad groove is NOT the direction we need to go in for the health of both of our minds and our marriage, but it just makes me wish that I was home with them too.
- Tidy's a stay at home dad and he doesn't outwardly seem as excited about it as I THINK that I would feel if I was staying at home. (Notice the word Think.... I can not truly say how I would feel since I don't do it.)
- I'm tired.. have I mentioned that?
And then on top of that, I realize that I am cranky a lot and I do not want to look back on this time with that haze around it. I don't want to regret missing things or not just being present when I am with my children.
Parenting is hard (No shit, you say...). Parenting twins is hard (Again, no shit). But what is even harder, in my opinion, is to stop the anger, resentment, frustration and negativity in my brain, put on my big girl pants and just accept this working mom thing as the role that I have to play in my life and play it well.
Playing it well means then that I am present at work when I am at work and present at home when I am at home. Playing it well means not getting frustrated at Tidy or at the lack of sleep I am getting and just acknowledge the two beautiful lives that are present in ours and enjoy them. Playing it well means not getting anxious that they aren't sleeping the way the "Internet" says they should be sleeping and just gently try to work towards getting there... because we will get there.... right?
Thanks for letting me vent today. I needed it.
I also desperately need a hair cut. So I'm going to do that tonight instead of worry about how many times I need to go back in and put the pacifier in my sweet M&M's little mouth.