Can't Quite Get There

I can't get there... I don't feel it today.

For so many years, Mother's day has been a day of sadness for me. I have tried to focus on my mother but have also felt that my family didn't really understand why this day was so hard from me. I wanted for them to reach out to me, unasked, and say that they are sorry that I am still struggling.

Now, that I am pregnant and expecting twins very soon, many people have reached out to wish me well on this day. They are happy for me and excited and very sweet to say something. Even Tidy brought me my morning cup of tea in a mug a friend's mom got for me that says "New Mommy".

I cringed a bit, thinking, oh no! I don't want to jinx this. I don't have my babies in my arms...

Mother's day is hard for so many of us who have struggled or are still struggling to become mothers. It is also hard for those who have lost their mothers. They are reminded that they are not there yet or of what they have lost. Many years, I would just sit inside the house and cry on this day. I don't intend to do that today, but I also just can't feel that feeling I had expected to feel. Maybe I will feel it next year, when I am chasing my 11 month old babies around the house. Maybe I won't though. Infertility leaves scars, and this might just be one of mine.

I might, however, use this belly to go get my free custard at one of the local frozen custard shops they give out to "mothers" on this day. This is how I put my toes into the water on this day that I had so longed to be a part of.

To all of you out there, still struggling to become a mother in the traditional sense, or for those who have lost mothers and are grieving, I wish you peace and strength today.

A Mother's Day Wish

I want to be remembered today, on Mother's Day. I want the people in my life to think of ME today and say, "Hey Tippy, I know today might be a hard day for you. I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hopeful that you will be a mom someday soon."

(A little self-centered? Feeling sorry for myself? Yes, a bit.)

And some of my friends did (Thank you :-) )  My SIL and her husband did too. Even a classmate from gradeschool, who I am only facebook friends with and haven't really seen in over 20 years, who is struggling with her own brain tumor fight right now, did.... How selfless!

But my mom, the one person who I really wish would recognize what this means to me, did not. I'm not sure what it is about her personality, her disease, her own emotional health, but she is not very empathetic. I think back to a lot of my childhood with her, and many of my memories are jaded with cravings of more affection, more comfort. I don't think that I always went to her for those things as she was either tending to her younger children who needed her more at that time, or her bipolar disease was more active and I tried to stay away from her. In the recent past, as she has been more stable and healthy, we have developed a more loving and affectionate relationship. She says things like, "Tippy, you're the cutest!" and gives me a hug, and I feel fulfilled for a moment or two.

Despite this more recent affection, there will always be an underlying disapproval from my mom of the way that I am going about finding my child, and that stings. My mom doesn't believe in IVF. She is Catholic and she takes a very literal interpretation of the teachings of her church. I know that Catholic does not mean anti-IVF, and please, for your Catholic readers out there, do not take my writings as anti-Catholic. They are merely a discussion about how my mom interprets her religion....  Anyways,  my mom is also disappointed in me for not practicing the religion that she and my dad brought me up in. I truly believe, that she thinks if I come back to the church, that god will finally give me a baby.

So, here I sit, on Mother's Day 2011, craving a little understanding and care from my mother, but not willing to let her know what I need from her. I don't like to ask, for one, but I also don't like to get in conversations with her about our infertility because they often lead to her disapproval of us doing any more IVF cycles. I can't even imagine what she would say if we told her we were considering Donor Egg IVF...

Because I am stubborn and don't want to ask for help, I will sit here silently and wish for my mom to call me and say, "Tippy, I'm thinking of you today too... "